Calm Down Dear, I’m Clearly Terminal

According to the lazy researcher’s resource, Wikipedia, between 1961 and 1962 Michael Winner directed four films, three of which were called ‘Some like it Cool’, ‘The Cool Mikado’ and ‘Play it Cool’

This, to me, sums up the early makings of a tit.

Apart from being unable to make a single decent film, despite having some of the best acting talent at his porcine disposal, this overpaid gitprong due to his ‘flair’ for self publicity managed to ingratiate himself into the hearts of the British public for being a bit of a womanising bon viveur. How the fuck this came to be I’ve no idea. He’s a fat useless cunt at best, at worse he an irresponsible corpulent sell-out, who’d fuck his own mother for 10p. Winners Dinners

So, moving on, his glittering career arguably ‘peaked’ when the crimson faced porker signed up with an insurance company, not just any insurance company, no, the sort that advertise in between Home and Away and Crown Court. Due mainly to the dope addled media students enjoying a 3-year ‘study period’ these adverts for Esure managed to gain somewhat of a cult status, the immortal ‘calm down dear it’s just a commercial’ uttered flarelessly day in a day out acted as some sort of quasi-religious chant to the vulnerable pond-lives happening to be watching daytime TV, which in tern permeated into the public consciousness.

Following a brief (albeit merciful) hiatus these adverts are now back on our screens, but something has gone terribly wrong.

Somewhere in between Esures ‘heyday’ and the current crop of commercials, Winner is quite literally half the man he used to be. The fat, red Winner with his booming catchphrase has gone, and been replaced by a pale, wizened little old man, replete with thin reedy voice, looking for all intents and purposes as if he’s one heartbeat from death. In fact he looks so ill that I won’t accept he’s not be held upright by a pole, he can’t even be arsed to say ‘…it’s just a commercial’ anymore, leaving the ‘Calm down dear’ to hang alone in the ghoulish air he now pervades like a pre-tombstone epitaph.

It’s a badly kept secret that the BBC agreed, if it came to it, to allow the late and great Alistair Cooke broadcasting ‘Letter from America’ on Radio 4 to die on air. Let’s hope Esure offer Winner the same gratuity, but only after he utters ‘Calm down dear’ simply because it will be funnier.

Be good if he threw up too. Ironic, even

Big Bloody Brother

Blimey – well there was a lot of controversy over this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, specifically the hullabaloo centring around evil, secret celebrity agent John Noel. It was as if, for once, us mere human beings were able to grab a glimpse of the machinery turning and churning between Endemol’s net curtains.For those who saw none of it, (and I confess I didn’t watch the whole lot – I found Jade and Jackiey Goody gave me ample reason to change channels) Jade called Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty ‘Shilpa Poppadom’ and Channel 4 spent the next couple of weeks finding every method possible to defend Jade whilst ensuring they weren’t being seen to defend her. Very strange indeed. To my mind, talking about a person with different colour skin to you in a negative way is not racism, especially if they’re annoying you and you have to share a room with them. But the minute you start using that person’s background, race and ethnic identity as a means of insulting them you have been racist. So everyone who’s trying to defend Ms Goody can fuck off.And I’m sick of her blubbering, snotty face on my TV and on the tabloid covers, hawking around a highly orchestrated apology because agent John Noel demands she do it. She’s an idiot, she proved it. Here’s where the story ends. I hope.In the meantime, to see how complicit TV presenters and fellow housemates were in this farrago, lets take a look at how they reacted…Cleo Roccos, Housemate:
Client of John Noel’s PR agency. Stood by doing absolutely diddly squat whilst Danielle, Jo and Jade made offensive and xenophobic remarks about Shetty. Clearly didn’t want to rock her agent’s boat.

Dermot O’Leary, BB Presenter:
A client of Jade’s agent, John Noel. Cleverly defended Jade in a manner which suggested he may have been playing devil’s advocate, or presenting the opposite side of the argument. Can’t be faulted for that, even if his main focus was to not involve himself. He was Pontius O’Leary.

Russel Brand, BB’s Big Mouth Presenter:
Client of John Noel, who I believe is Jade’s agent too. Advocated peace, love and understanding throughout, rather than tell it like it is. That Jade, her high-density boyfriend and her pals should’ve been plucked from the house in order to stem the bullying and lower their profile to the largest possible degree. That’s not his responsibility but, still, slightly disappointing.

Davina McCall, BB Presenter:
Clearly rehearsed her questions a bajillion times in order to seem concerned but non-condemnatory, still somehow managed to let all four antagonists off the hook. It’s her show, she’s the head of it. If I’d done something similar at school, the Head would always tell me I’d let the school down. Like the time I was forced by peer-pressure to vandalise a church’s visitor’s book with pictures of phalluses whilst playing truant. McCall should have made it completely clear that they’d brought the show into disrepute. The excitable goon. She’s a client of John Noel’s, by the way. Quelle surprise.

It’s over now, and good bloody riddance.