Being both a biker and, I suppose, hairy and enjoying cooking, this programme seemed, initially, to be right up my tin pan alley.
I don’t remember the first series and the alarm bells should’ve gone off when the ‘ride again’ graphic appeared in that fucking awful luminous italic font as if an afterthought on a wankers shopping list.
As the programme started I begun to remember why I didn’t remember the first series. That’s right – it’s all coming back to me now – it’s fucking shit. The hairy bikers are a pair of camp, bearded, Geordie fatties who get a good portion of ones licence fee to travel the world on two very boring and expensive motorcycles. I am positive the only time they get on the machines is when the director asks them to ride from one side of the shot to the other. In actuality they travel in the back of separate limousines being blown off by whatever local sex industry is available. Ladyboys, in this instance.
Most of the programme features them in ‘anecdote’ mode, taking turns to pull funny faces at the camera following one scripted ‘quip’ after the other.
‘Eee by gom, this Chorizo is right good Si’,
‘Ay, and if you have anymore, you’re going to look like a Chorizo, Dave…’
(The genuinely funny comments are totally ignored, last night for example ‘Ooh, my helmet is all sticky, Dave’ and, ‘Si is so hungry, he’s eating my helmet,’ etc, are ignored without so much a fucking blink)
But perhaps the most annoying thing about HB is the fact they hardly cook anything at all. Instead, we are witness to these two cardiac-cases stuffing food into their mouths, hardly able to speak due to half the world’s food programme being masticated in their beard-holes. We also get lots on ‘interesting’ ‘facts’ about whatever godawful third world environment they happen to be escorted to, I mean bike to.
Last night we saw them in a boat looking at a whale in the distance (‘Blimey, isn’t it big, Dave?’ ‘Ay, nearly as big as you, Si.’ *gurn*). We were also treated to them lying down with Elephant bulls in the far distance (‘Blimey, isn’t it big, Si?’ ‘Ay, nearly as big as you, Dave.’ *mug* etc). Christ.
When they do cook, it’s always pre-cuts of meat. They roll meat in meat, fry it and serve it with some salsa, which they never, ever touch. They will do bread or cheese at a push though, especially with meat in it.
Anyway, this tires me. The show finished last night with the pair of them getting their first ever tattoos, matching tattoos I hasten to add, of Che Guevara on their arms. That’s two male TV presenters in their mid 40’s getting the same tats. Of Che.