The F Word

by

 The F Word

Ramsay. He’s an interesting fellow, old Ramsay. Where Jamie Oliver isn’t just a narrow eyed, chubby cheeked berk, but actually has talent, drive and passion, Ramsay, it would seem, isn’t just a scrotum-faced sac of testosterone. He may resemble a huge testicle squirting spermy insults into the faces of innocents, but credit where it’s due, the fellow knows what he’s doing. He’s got ten michelin stars for Christ’s sake. In these foodie times that’s akin to having found ten holy chalices.But still, there are problems. I have no problem with swearing, and I have no problem with confrontation, but every once in a while the mask slips a little and we see a well of rage beneath the choreographed bad-mouthing and at any moment we sense he could smack out. Is that choreographed as well? Or is it this dangerous aspect that makes Gordon appealing? For me, it does the opposite. It makes him look like my old P.E. teacher, and he was a cunt.Ramsay teaches people, has a position of authority over them. That gives him the perfect opportunity to humiliate them. Throw in a camera crew and the opportunity multiplies. Watching a recent Kitchen Nightmare, we were subjected to Ramsay mocking a chef far further down the food chain for never having cooked mussels.

‘You’ve never cooked mussels?!’

‘No.’

‘YOU’VE NEVER COOKED MUSSELS?’

‘No.’

‘YOU’VE NEVER COOKED MUSSELS?’

‘NO. I’VE NEVER COOKED MUSSELS’

At this point Gordon proceeded to start doing a ‘joey’ impression at the chef, who reciprocated the gesture, and any semblance of adult behaviour disappeared. It’s only fair to point out that GR was berating the ‘chef’ of what was little more than a greasy spoon during this tirade, so his not having cooked mussels wasn’t exactly a massive shock.

Herein lies the problem. Walking around and calling people ‘big boy’, telling them to ‘stop playing with their doo dah and put the fucking tortellini on’ and continually (and I mean endlessly) asking them ‘where their balls are’ is exactly what a games teacher would do. And what’s the big deal anyway? Tortellini, mussels? Who gives a shit?

Now we’re into the second series of the F Word. This consists of Gordon wandering around a conceptual restaurant, teaching normal people to cook. With bursts of the worst theme music I’ve ever heard in my life buzzing in unneccessarily at any given moment.

GR arrived in the kitchen this week and slammed down the bloody carcass of a deer, shouting ‘THERE’S DINNER’. Echoes of Brando in Streetcar Named Desire. Primal man and his bloody package. Yeah – terrifying. The problem is, the highlights in his schoolboy hair rather shattered the image.

This week it was a group of ex-Etonians who Gordon quite rightly tore to pieces. They were put there for a reason – to make Gordon with his working-class authenticity (where the fuck did he get that accent then, big boy?) look good. And they couldn’t have chosen better targets from his bile – one of the chaps had an opening spiel that ran thus: ‘Yah, Dad set me up on a pretty solid share scheme so I get a pretty healthy income from that’. To top that off, he resembled a rapist.

Gordon also cooked a dessert with Natasha Kaplinsky, a woman so artifiicially constructed that I have genuinely forgotten what happened in her ten minute segment. Did she even speak, or did she stand there with those reptilian eyes, staring the camera out? I can’t for the life of me recall. By the time we got to the section where Gordon caught a facehugger in Lapland and cooked it, I’d only just come round. This section of course featured the obligatory Gordon topless shot. Every Gordon show features Gordon topless. He must have it carved into his contract in the producer’s blood.

An hour is a long time to spend on a cooking show, so obviously some junk is going to get chucked in. In series one, Ramsay had the excellent Giles Coren to fall back on for small pieces to camera about this and that, but he made his mark and has his own (far superior) TV shows to make these days, so Ramsay has called in Janet Street Porter (argh!) to fill his shoes. If anyone can tell me what was going on in her attempted assassination of Prince Charles’ food range last night, please give me a shout at the email address in the top right margin. She seemed to be trying to fit two ‘Supersize Me’ type shows into a ten minute slot and believe me when I tell you, it was a garbled fucking mess. With her narrating it, it was always going to be.

Finally, on top of this (where does he find the time? Oh yes, he’s got a whole bloody hour to fill) Gordon interviewed that very current, very ‘now’ comedic figure, Dawn French. Is that the best they could do? I know she’s still working (if you can call The Vicar of Dibley working, rather than just turning up) and she clearly digs her food, but really – how are three separate interviews with her over an hour possibly going to be any fun? Dawn has kissed Gordon! Ha ha ha! Dawn and Gordon keep saying ‘fanny’! Great! Oh look! They’re kissing! Again! Faaantastic.

The problem is, I’ll probably keep watching. The food is good and the format is hit and miss, with more hits than misses. If only Gordo would stop behaving like a 12 year old who’s taken crack instead of his normal Ritalin dose it might be a bit more bearable.

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18 Responses to “The F Word”

  1. ninazer0 Says:

    I think that’s the best summary of Gordon Ramsay I’ve every come across. Bravo!

  2. Badger Madge Says:

    My fave is his: “OIL. EGG. FRY. EAT. DIGEST. SHITE” voice overs…

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I forgot to mention that actually, it’s bloody annoying.
    HOT PAN.
    OIL.
    RHUBARB.

    Next time you watch it, count how many times he says ‘YES’ after every sentence, YES?

    Because it’s a lot, YES?

  4. Badger Madge Says:

    Oooh my editor said that today. I’ve nevr noticed. My editor was saying how it’s actually really agressive – forcing people to agree with you… I shall keep my eye out…

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Once you’ve picked up on it there’s no going back.

  6. proudfoot Says:

    Well that was a good read.

    Is it also worth mentioning that Ramsay thinks he’s the hardest bastard in the universe?
    I’m not a violent sort, but it would be fun to see someone do him over just once. Maybe next time he bullies someone for never having eaten whelks or something they’ll wallop him right in his haggard face. I can only hope.

    By the way, I’m not a fan, but I believe Dawn French has finished with pretending to be a big fat lady-vicar now and is working on her autobiography.

    That will be thrilling I’m sure. ‘Chapter one: Ate 3 king size mars bars for breakfast, Liver and onions for brunch, and five fried chickens for dinner.

    Chapter two: Met Lenny Henry. The End’

  7. piqued Says:

    Badger Madge, could you get your editor to edit your post with some fucking spelling corrections

    Thanks

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued – there was no need for that. Especially as it comes from the man who can’t spell ‘woman’. Hypocritical, no?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I should point out that BM is a linking friend of ours.

  10. piqued Says:

    I love Badger Madge as well u no

  11. ivafqz Says:

    Hi My Name Is ivaghf.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Hi ivafqz, or ivaghf, or whatever your bloody name is.

  13. sammy Says:

    Your all stuck in the past and i can tell your all stuck up women. Get a life.
    THE F-WORD ROCKS

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Hahahaha

  15. Jacob Says:

    I can’t stand the Angry Walnut (aka the Swearing Scrotum) LOL

  16. Damon Fox Says:

    The swearing scrotum is sooo agressive in every manner. Any other boss would be in court for mal-treatment of staff, but not this wanker.

  17. Nationwide Says:

    I’ve passed through before but didn’t read this one, because you hadn’t led me by the nose via a WoM link. Spot-fucking-on. Yes?
    I’ve exhausted myself on the Guardian websites ranting about Fucking Ramsay’s screen persona – which by misusing the eff-word every few seconds – has created a ‘notoriety’ which has turned out to equal ‘millions’ in the bank.
    I make it sound like jealousy, but it’s not.He’s devalued the eff-word, created a branded portion control empire out of what used to be sensational cooking (when he was behind the stove at Auberginem say) and most relevantly to me, managed to make good TV formats almost unwatchable because of his stupid behaviour.
    He’s not entertaining. He’s a cnut. Even the trailers for the upcoming ‘live cook in’ make me want to boak. Yes?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Precisely Nationwide.

    If you’d like to do a review of his live cookalong when it comes on the TV I’d be happy to stick it up here…

    Or why not do one in the form of a haiku on the front page?

    STICK AROUND BE OUR FRIEND

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