Channel 4 again, dominating the evening schedules with the TV equivalent of the Guardian’s lifestyle section – i.e., self-satisfied dross.
Actually, that’s not really fair on Jamie Oliver’s new vehicle, which thankfully hasn’t got him patronising any Italians or working class mothers this time round. Instead, it’s just him mucking about in the garden of his country pile with some weird ageing hippy, getting all horny about tomatoes. Actually quite a pleasant way to spend half an hour, despite the fact it has to be watched through gritted teeth as you spend 95% of the run-time wondering just how fucking rich the successful bastard is.
At least his presence on the TV has been hard earned. He’s a chef with some flair, which is more than can be said for the priviledged quartet who make up the Cook Yourself Thin team. Christ knows where they found this bunch of public school fuckwits. Actually, scratch that, I know just where they found them. Sipping cocktails in the same hell-on-earth bar as Polly Vernon, n’doubt. Given a job in journalism because they could afford expensive frocks, I imagine they were then wangled a pitch in front of Channel 4 bosses because they’re, y’know, soooo fab and rilly, rilly presentable.
Cook Yourself Thin is a televisual concentration camp, wherein these non-entities cut every corner imaginable to try and cut calories in some poor, neurotic cow’s diet. How many of these members of the public are lining up to stand in a whiteout studio showing off their entirely normal body shape and moan about it? It’s seemingly endless. The lady last night looked to be in pretty good nick for a mother of two approaching middle age. So obviously she needs to be patronised on prime time TV so that the rest of us with a gut can feel ashamed of ourselves.
Instead of eating a crunchie everyday, the four airheads recommended she makes herself a load of champagne truffles and has two of those a day, thus halving the amount of calories from that snack. What utter fucking genius. Of course – a champagne based mini-cake – that will stop me from expanding! Why not have half a chocolate bar? Why not one every other day? But no, if these overpaid twats reckon you should bankrupt yourself buying Veuve Clicquot and making stupid little confections out of it, go for your life. They’re on TV, they clearly know more than us fame-deprived plebs. For fuck’s sake, when they made the cake thing they said it would be unwise to make the chocolate ‘grumpy’ during mixing.
At that point, as my blood boiled, I tried to work out how exactly one would make chocolate ‘grumpy’? Channel 4 lost a viewer for the night at that point, so if anything groundbreaking occurred I apologise for not covering it. I somehow doubt they followed it up with anything other than a few more minutes of schedule-filling bollocks.