When off one’s trolley it’s always tempting (for me anyway) to rifle about in Youtube for some old classics to haphazardly jaunt around the front room to. Usually these take the form of complete and utter drivel from the 80s like Eric Carmen’s hideously sublime ‘Hungry Eyes’, or perhaps Men At Work’s mindless plodalong ‘Land Down Under’. Essentially, if it’s shit, it goes on.
Once in a while, you mistakenly click on a fan video – meaning some lonely internet berk has spent time and effort piecing together a visual for a song. This can take the form of them singing into a hairbrush in person in front of a webcam, but occasionally it’s just a badly constructed series of stills enhanced using low rent special effects.
The above video is one of the most disturbing examples of the latter that I’ve uncovered during one of these drunken trawls through Youtube’s seemingly infinite treasure chest of effluents.
The girl in the video will be well known to anyone who purchased, borrowed or shoplifted a copy of the reputable, high-street sperm-pamphlet Mayfair at any point between 1996 and, I estimate, 1999. Her name is/was Veronika and she was on the front cover of the mag regularly, probably because she provoked fevered onanists to scribble rapturous appraisals of her large hooters after they’d kleenexed their pen-hands, mailing their love-letters off to the mag in the hope their beloved would appear in the next issue. She was a very attractive jizz-model, it has to be said – in the mould of that overseas tit-carrier in American Pie. A lovely girl. It’s not entirely worrying for a heterosexual male to develop a two-dimensional crush on such a frequently disrobed glamour-bird, so long as the relationship is kept quiet – an unspoken love-triangle betwixt the glossy page, the right hand and the bachelor.
The song, as you probably know, is The Girl Is Mine – a weird collaboration between those two humbled titans of the music industry, Paul McPaul McCartney and Michael ‘Jesus-Juice’ Jackson. Both parties obsessively claim their right to an unnamed lady in an unintentionally amusing vocal scrap. After single-handedly removing usage of the word ‘doggone’ from the English language, they then indulge in a brilliantly rubbish spoken word segment (around the three minute mark).
When the two are juxtaposed as in the video I share with you today, the conglomeration of terrible music and creepy video takes on a life of its own. The girl they’re fighting over becomes Veronika, the familiar starlet of Brit grot mags.
It suddenly feels all sexual and perverse, as though Jackson and Macca are sharing a bedsit and sitting about in their off-white Y fronts, arguing over who gets to ‘date’ Veronika tonight, whilst tugging at either end of a dog-eared copy of Mayfair.
I can’t work out if this was made for a joke - if the man who created it was aware of what he was doing. I suspect and hope that he meant it sincerely, as this means it stands as an unironic testament to the web’s weirdness and Veronika’s unparallelled beauty.