Dear the BBC (You bastards),
Can you please, on behalf of the British people, make Crimewatch the same as it was before you buggered about with it? Y’see, last night’s edition was:
- Fronted by a Scotch woman (too many Celts on the telly, far too many).
- Co-presented by a man who looked like he had cancer, with a name.
- I can’t pronounce (Anrahallyawallyaawaa … see?).
- Infested by some musclebound superman cop who kept looking at the camera and saying something just ‘didn’t add up’.
- Full of crazy music and camera angles.
- Full of reconstructions presented by real policemen (i.e. people who wouldn’t know how to present a TV show if you shoved it up their arse).
- Always going on about its fancy new website.
Can we just have it back to the way it was? Y’know, the Crimewatch that’s:
Presented by the reassuringly English Nick Ross.
Co-presented by a woman with a nice face and only a 23% of being murdered by either gangland criminals or mad people who live in her neighbourhood.
Full of reconstructions with voiceovers by either the dependable Ross, or his shapely female co-presenter (and possibly mistress).
Got DC Jackie Haines in it doing whatever it was she did.
Has that bald copper with the muffled voice doing the photo-fits.
Got him off of the Antiques Roadshow showing us the fancy goods villains have been nicking from the more well-to-do.
Can you do that? Because, y’see, you’ve made Crimewatch all fancy now, and that’s shit. I don’t want a shit Crimewatch – I just want Crimewatch, the way it was.
ON THE MURDERED BONES OF JILL DANDO, THE BBC, I COMMAND THEE TO MAKE CRIMEWATCH BE LIKE IT WOT ONCE WAS, LIKE.