Criminal Justice

I’ve been half-watching Criminal Justice on BBC1.

I didn’t mean to watch it, I hate ‘drama’. Utter waste of time, but on Monday I’d stepped in from the pub and flipped on the tube with my tea and I couldn’t help myself.

I’ve not been inside, but I’ve a fundamental fascination with the horrific concept of being banged up. There are few things I can think of that are worse, especially if you’re innocent like what this kid might be, yeah?

Anyhoo, this kid, right, was being all threatened by this giant skinned of the head man and instead of the usual BBC/ITV ‘drama’ fodder the acting tellingly notified me that this was good stuff. In addition to a well skill cast the script was good, the direction unobtrusive and by George, they’d got the lighting right too. So I watched it…

Plot thus, kid gets nicked for knacking this bird what he porked. He did the nasty when pissed, woke up in the kitchen and discovered her stabbed-in-the-tit-dead. He gets nicked and can’t remember nothing, though he’s clearly* innocent. Chuck in a juicy subplot in pokey and you’ve a cracking little number that’s as watchable as Nigella Lawson spreading Damson Preserve on her udders. Even the court scenes are riveting, but this is a bone of contention, apparently.

In Wednesdays Guardian some barrister wrote a letter about it…

Right, before we pick the bones out of this, I’d firstly like to say that this TV show is a drama. That’s right - it’s not real. It’s like me moaning I can’t fucking fly like Superman on account of the fact we both have limbs, or something.

The author of the show is a trained Criminal Barrister and may know a thing or two about the system he’s portraying. It would seem that the moaning barrister has done his case no good whatsoever simply by protesting in the first place.

Moreover, it was unquestionably foolish to moan about it after watching two episodes seeing as one of the barristers by episode four is actually quite nice and, under that wig of hers, I suspect she’s fucking well tidy lads…

Since when have barristers ever been the good guys? I understand their part in the legal system to ensure ethically ‘fair’ trials but by default, they have to be by some degree unethical. They are required to defend criminals and prosecute the innocent and vice versa, depending on who is paying. They are the whores of the legal world and similarly the axis on which the whole cunting system pivots. Of course barristers are awful, it’s their job.

When I was actually watching the courtroom scenes before I read this twat’s letter I was happily thinking about how good the script was - how bloody marvelous Lindsay Duncan is. I wasn’t sitting there thinking ‘Oooh, I thought all barristers were good now I h8 them. Boo-hoo’.

I hate them now though, every last wigged man jack of them, do you hear me, Timothy Hutten QC? And it’s all your fault you slimy shitbag.

Jesus Christ, I’ve just heard that this zombie guy with gloves made from knives has been appearing in these kids’ dreams, he’s slaughtering teens, in America!! Ooh, what if he comes over here…

IYAM SKARED

*he did it, maybe

Tags: BBC 1, BBC1, Criminal Justice, Drama, Television, The UK, TV