I know this is going to make me sound like a right miserable shitheap, but isn’t it about time Children In Need took heed of its own slogan – ‘Do Something Different‘?
I know I can’t be alone in thinking that a seven hour showcase of the shittest of the shit that Britain has to offer isn’t the best way of getting folk to stump up their money. Without referring to the schedules, I know it’ll go something like this …
- Wogan and that fucking Fearne Cotton limpit introduce Westlife singing something shit
- The cast of EastEnders sing some Godawful rubbish gleaned from the cultural wasteland that is musical theatre
- Sugary bullshit artist Katie Melua sings something shit, yet wistful
- The bollocks that is Strictly Come Dancing does some dancing
- Take That sing their latest shit song
- ITV gamely joins in by letting the stars of one of their few remaining popular shows (The Bill, Corrie or Emmerdale) sing a shit musical number that closely resembles their EastEnders counterpart’s efforts from earlier
- Boyzone sing their latest shit song; the BBC newsreaders make fools of themselves as they sing an old 70s rock song dressed in women’s clothes
- Whoever won the X Factor last year sings something soulless and shit that Simon Cowell’s minions wrote in a committee in five minutes flat
- Over to Kate Humble and the mentally disturbed Bill Oddie for no reason other than everyone on a BBC contract is required to do something for the kids
- Edgy Facebook generation singer Adele / Kate Nash / Duffy sings something shit about mobile phones or what-have-you
- The cast of Top Gear prove yet again that anything they do beyond the bounds of their own editorial control is a complete disaster
- KT Tunstall sings something shit, etc. etc. etc.
There must be a better way of mounting a televised charity event than simply filling it with hours and hours of the worst music this country is currently producing, surely?
If Comic Relief can do it, why not Children In Need?