It was always going to be an anticlimax. Especially seeing as some mug on the Guardian website ruined it by telling every reader what was going to happen despite claiming he hadn’t any inside info. The bastard. Simon and Kristina were pumped. In the opening interviews, Simon said it was his dream to work for Sir Alan. That’s not on a par with some of my best dreams. He must sleep badly. Later, when faced with the task – this week it was all about creating a new London landmark for the South Bank – Simon said it was ‘his dream to build things’. Quite a lot of dreaming going on there. While Simon daydreamed about his chances, stern-faced Kristina Grimes simply repeated ‘I will win. I will win’, like a malfunctioning Speak & Spell.So they had a spot in a grimy area of London upon which they could build (in concept, not with diggers or cement or anything – that would be disastrous) any old shit they fancied. But first they had to pick teams from the pool of people they’d stepped on to get to where they were. Simon chose Tre immediately and we all know by now why he did that. He fancies him. He is Mummy to Tre’s Daddy. Simon also chose Jadine who had had a nice hairdo for the occasion, Lohit, who barely featured at all again and Rory. Tre and Rory, we were reminded, had history. They hated each other, essentially because Tre picked on the hapless, clown-mouthed Rory endlessly. They’re both very boring men.Kristina plumped for Naomi straight away. No idea why, I can’t remember her doing much the whole series. Perhaps my memory is somewhat childishly obscured by the memory of her enormous zeppelin-breasts dangling over the camera lens every five seconds a couple of weeks back. She also picked Adam (must’ve been by mistake) and that cockney single mother, whose name escapes me.
Katie, meanwhile, was noted for her absence. Perhaps she hadn’t sorted things out with her child-minder…
I suspect the architects the two gangs spoke with gave a huge amount of direction to the contestants, as the ideas they finally came up with were completely incongruous with their original ideas. Simon and Tre wandered off on their own, hand in hand, discussing putting a boat frame structure onto the building. The idea was shot down in flames by the rest of the gang, with Rory coming up with a new idea. He drew the outline of three bananas, so they went with that. The final product looked pretty interesting compared with Rory’s felt tip nightmare, but credit to him for beating the coracle idea in a straw poll. I think Tre’s boat theme was ultimately overturned when the rest of the team were sick on themselves when he used the term ‘as such’ three times in three sentences. ‘The reason for the nautical theme, as such’… How can you misuse that suffix so badly? I really don’t know how it’s possible. ‘If it doesn’t work out, I’ll look like a pillock’ said Simon, laughing Butthead style, exactly like a pillock might.
Kristina’s team, with Trainee Surveyor Paul – he of the uncooked sausage, leading the charge, came up with a rectangular building to make optimum use of the space. Dull.They also had the idea of putting an angel on either end of their building, looming above passers by like, as the architect pointed out, a Nazi eagle. This was eventually adapted to be two peaks, the angel changed to a phoenix after the team fortunately realised that the Angel Centre wasn’t an apt name for a centre that wasn’t actually in the Angel, Islington. Paul reminded us that he didn’t have to like Kristina to do a ”fucking jood gob’ for her. The tit.
After letting the architects do all the work for them, it was time to choose the optimum way to present the concept to hoteliers, building contractors and property industry bigwigs. Kristina slipped up here by allowing Adam to play a major part in choosing the theme and the stage decor. As a result, their presentation was a back to basics approach, as all the tacky crap he chose got chucked out almost as far as Adam was out of his depth.
Rory and Tre were paired up to sort the night’s entertainment out, after a speech from Simon which was meant to be invigorating and rousing. it was let down a little by its faltering delivery. He sounded like Basil Fawlty having a panic attack. Realising he was losing his audience, he stuck on a little ‘oh, and I’ll take you all to Barcelona if we win for a weekend’. Incentives… nice, desperate management. Tre piped up later with ‘I’d rather a rusty screwdriver in my eye than go on holiday with Jadine, Rory and Lohit’. Suggestion to Simon: make it happen.
Simon’s presentation went smoothly and he answered questions with aplomb, clearly having done his research. Kristina didn’t perform so well, sadly. Neither really bombed, which was disappointing in terms of ‘good telly’. Never mind.
In the boardroom, Sir A asked both ‘why do you want this job’. This is the biggest non question any potential Manager can ask in an interview. It only ever results in cliche upon babbling cliche. It was a brief boardroom, presumably because nobody fucked up, meaning the situation couldn’t be milked for comedy value. Alan reminded us that he has a bit of a kink for Simon, hired him, and we were done. Case closed. End of series.
Most reality series end with this kind of anticlimax. Though clearly not grounded in the truth, the people involved are generally real people (though I have my doubts about the evil creation that was Katie). As a result, we’re always left with an open ending. With Big Brother the question’s always ‘how will so and so use the fame to their advantage’, and past experience tells us they won’t, they’ll trust a management company that will tie them to Heat magazine forever. With the Apprentice, we want to see the winner succeed after all that hard slog. But we don’t, obviously, as they are just working drones on a superficially high wage for one year only in an office in fucking Brentwood. Still – it’s fun, and we wouldn’t have had the gut-wrenchingly cringeworthy scene of Simon screwing a trampoline leg if we didn’t have the Apprentice. Roll on next series.