Calm Down Dear, I’m Clearly Terminal


Michael Winner
According to the lazy researcher’s resource, Wikipedia, between 1961 and 1962 Michael Winner directed four films, three of which were called ‘Some like it Cool’, ‘The Cool Mikado’ and ‘Play it Cool’

This, to me, sums up the early makings of a tit.

Apart from being unable to make a single decent film, despite having some of the best acting talent at his porcine disposal, this overpaid gitprong due to his ‘flair’ for self publicity managed to ingratiate himself into the hearts of the British public for being a bit of a womanising bon viveur. How the fuck this came to be I’ve no idea. He’s a fat useless cunt at best, at worse he an irresponsible corpulent sell-out, who’d fuck his own mother for 10p. Winners Dinners

So, moving on, his glittering career arguably ‘peaked’ when the crimson faced porker signed up with an insurance company, not just any insurance company, no, the sort that advertise in between Home and Away and Crown Court. Due mainly to the dope addled media students enjoying a 3-year ‘study period’ these adverts for Esure managed to gain somewhat of a cult status, the immortal ‘calm down dear it’s just a commercial’ uttered flarelessly day in a day out acted as some sort of quasi-religious chant to the vulnerable pond-lives happening to be watching daytime TV, which in tern permeated into the public consciousness.

Following a brief (albeit merciful) hiatus these adverts are now back on our screens, but something has gone terribly wrong.

Somewhere in between Esures ‘heyday’ and the current crop of commercials, Winner is quite literally half the man he used to be. The fat, red Winner with his booming catchphrase has gone, and been replaced by a pale, wizened little old man, replete with thin reedy voice, looking for all intents and purposes as if he’s one heartbeat from death. In fact he looks so ill that I won’t accept he’s not be held upright by a pole, he can’t even be arsed to say ‘…it’s just a commercial’ anymore, leaving the ‘Calm down dear’ to hang alone in the ghoulish air he now pervades like a pre-tombstone epitaph.

It’s a badly kept secret that the BBC agreed, if it came to it, to allow the late and great Alistair Cooke broadcasting ‘Letter from America’ on Radio 4 to die on air. Let’s hope Esure offer Winner the same gratuity, but only after he utters ‘Calm down dear’ simply because it will be funnier.

Be good if he threw up too. Ironic, even

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11 Responses to “Calm Down Dear, I’m Clearly Terminal”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “Apart from being unable to make a single decent film …”

    Not sure I’d agree entirely with that statement. Admittedly most of Winner’s output has been shite, but I reckon The Jokers, Hannibal Brooks and I’ll Never Forget What’sisname aint ‘alf bad. In fact, Hannibal Brooks is up there in my ‘Hungover Saturdays Man Films’ Top 10, to whit:

    1:The Wild Geese
    2:The Three Musketeers
    3:Escape To Athena
    4:The Guns Of Navarone
    5:Hannibal Brooks
    6:North Sea Hijack
    7:Escape To Victory
    8:The Dirty Dozen
    9:The Sea Wolves
    10:True Grit

    Plus, I’m probably the only man who isn’t Michael Winner who actually enjoyed Bullseye!

  2. piqued Says:

    I’ve not seen Hannibal Brookes but I’ve seen Bullseye!

    I’m inclined to agree with your last point…

    (I saw North Sea Hijack in the cinema, I’m that fucking old)

  3. swineshead Says:

    Any news on whether they’re amputating his legs or not?
    Poor old sod had an allergic reaction to some medicine or somesuch, legs blistered like buggery and apparently both pins might be for the chop.

  4. roszs Says:

    There is a fantastic film called The Assassination Bureau (Oliver Reed, Diana Rigg, Telly Savalas amongst others) which I taped off the telly about 15 years ago and have watched countless times since. It is THAT good. It says on the film that it was either directed or produced by Michael Winner, but it’s not on his entry in, and is credited to someone else. A cover-up? A simple inputting error? We shall never know. But if it’s on telly, watch it. It’s ace.

  5. piqued Says:


    Please read the link, thank you

  6. piqued Says:

    Calm down Roszs dear

    The Assassination Bureau has NOTHING to do with Winner

  7. roszs Says:

    Why is his name in the opening credits then? Answer me that, Mr Piqued.

  8. piqued Says:


  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued …

    Calm down dear … A-HO A-HO-A-HO-HO-HO

    You big spunk.

  10. swineshead Says:

    Thanks for the Winner update guys, YOU ARE THE BEST!

  11. Rosszszsss Says:


    Bloody Winner with his invisible films.

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