Comic Relief Does Fame Academy

by

Vine 

Karaoke Torture on BBC 1 

Comic Relief does Fame Academy. Oh dear.

Comic Relief does Fame Academy up the shit-pipe.

Make that Comic Relief does music up the shit-pipe hard, and agonisingly.

In fact, this isn’t a singing contest, its brutal murder. The spirit of music is being slowly and excruciatingly skull-fucked to death by a hapless bunch of wannabes, tronabees, never-gonna-bes and Christ-will-you-stop-now-please?!

Like most reality television these days, it’s partly a who’s-who of who-the-fuck-are-they-and-why-are-they-alive? It’s got fat Barry off Never-enders, who to be fair, seems like a nice bloke, (although he snacks on deep fried foetuses for all I know) and Tim Vine, a squeaky clean comedian who, if memory serves, holds the current British (maybe world) record for most gags per minute. (It’s something ridiculous like 15 jokes per second, 14 of which are just various parts of his face and head looking odd). Having said this, his act is pretty funny and I quite like him.

Another one is Colin Brainchild or whatever his name is – that Quimhead from T4, whom I do not like because he makes me wretch from almost every orifice. Can I just stress again how much I really don’t like him; he is, to put it bluntly, a cunt who I am physically and mentally incapable of liking.

Also guilty are: unfunny fool, Mel ‘I’m wacky, I am’ Gedroyc (change your fucking name!) and that dim-witted irritant Tara Palmer-Tompkinson (I’m not even gonna bother).

Oh, and football’s Ray Stubbs, who is definitely not human. I’m thinking some kind of sasquatch cum bogey-man hybrid / chimera thing. But, for argument’s sake, I could settle for the abominable snowman. His reactions, expressions and emotions are not of this realm. Either he’s something else or he was raised by sheep-fish on an underwater mountain.

Anyway, I’ve never heard of the other half of the contestants, but they’re all either horrible or rubbish, both in some cases.

The judges just sit there like lumps of shit being clapped and booed. This format is so transparent:

The Garret creature is the ‘nice’ one, and the two cheese graters perched either side of her take it in turns to be the nasty one, although one of them (the one who I suspect feverishly wanks himself into a stupor of an evening with a crumpled, sticky Polaroid of Simon Cowell clasped in his left hand) is a fair bit nastier than his camp-arsed colleague, who tries to achieve an equal amount of cheers and boos per show. The Cowell-wanker seems to thrive off the boos as if his life depended on them and in his role as the villain, tries his damnedest to coax them out of the live audience at every given opportunity. I have observed him actually feeding off boos like a kind of reaction scavenger with an insatiable hunger for negative energy. Don’t get me wrong, he is right to tell them they’re shit, but the way it’s done is so contrived. He’s like the anti-Tim Vine, gleefully powering toward a world record of 800 boos per minute.

However, I suppose I shouldn’t really be so hard on this programme. It is for charity after all.

Fuck that – it’s sick and must be shut down at all costs.

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19 Responses to “Comic Relief Does Fame Academy”

  1. Joe C Says:

    Not that it matters, but Colin Quimhead is in fact Colin Murray, Radio 1 “DJ” and sometime presenter of the “football” on Channel 5. He is a fucking annoying cock though, so I just thought if he was going to be on the receiving end of some well placed vitriolic, bad press, it would be good to clear up who it was you were hating.

    The thing about Comic Relief Does Fame Academy is that surely it should be funny? All the so-called comedians (not that they have provided one laugh between them since the show began) keep getting voted off and the people who are taking it seriously and are trying to sing properly are probably going to win.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    I can’t physically bear to watch it. it hurts my mind. I’d rather pop a quid in a comic relief jar and turn the TV off with my conscience sated.

    Mel Goodroych is alright though, because Light Lunch provided many a stoned afternoon’s grinning while I was a student – good inoffensive fare.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – Joe C – you need to make your URL work properly – I edited it for you so it works…

  4. Joe C Says:

    It’s Giedroyc – what’s wrong with you people?

    Thanks Swineshead. I have changed it now so that won’t happen again. Shame though, at least three people have missed visiting my site because of that error.

  5. Rosszszsss Says:

    I like Mel Giedroyc, she used to tell funny stories about her Polish father and his inability to pronounce the word Doritos.

  6. piqued Says:

    What’s the matter with Tara Palmer Talmerkinsomps nose?

    Also, what’s happened to her tits?

    (I would by the way)

  7. mastershag Says:

    never watched the show.
    not likely to watch the show.
    isn’t home and away on at the same time?
    quite.

  8. proudfoot Says:

    I was aware that it was Colin Murray I was hating.
    I just didn’t wanted to belittle him that little bit more by pretending I didn’t know his name.

  9. proudfoot Says:

    Jesus! What’s with all the Mel Gieldroyk fans? There’s too much nostalgia going on here.
    Granted, she’s harmless, and I don’t want her dead or anything, but the fact is she just isn’t funny, bless her.

  10. proudfoot Says:

    Regarding Colin Murray, I meant I DID want too belittle him further. I’m all befuddled.

  11. Rosszszsss Says:

    *strokes plaster of paris representation of Mel Giedroyc*

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Roszs – where did you get that? And where can I get one from?
    It’s BEAUTIFUL.

  13. proudfoot Says:

    *strokes hammer*

  14. Clair Says:

    Me and Lesley share the same hairdresser, fact fans.

    I liked Mel’s popsocks.

  15. piqued Says:

    Just for the record, I think fat Barry from Eastenders is a fat cunt. (from what I’ve gathered watching the last 5 mins before Traffic Cops this week and last)

    He’s all lovee sweetie without having any acting credentials to be lovee sweetie, he’s as insincere as Mark Thatcher and if you were to follow the behemoth into the loo after he’d been out on the curry the night before you’d definitely die.

    I reckon he’s been nicking Tara Palmer Talmerkinsomps food, he’s certainly borrowed her tits.

  16. proudfoot Says:

    Pompkinson never had tits. It’s a boy.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    She has brain tits, one other side of her mind, lactating feckless milky-juice.

  18. mastershag Says:

    i thought tpt was a tit, a long, elongated, coked up leathery tit.

    as opposed to having them.

    as in she IS one rather than HAS them.

    unemployment is breaking my brain.

    job, please, anyone?

  19. Roszs Says:

    There’s like a TRILLION comments on here.

    *adds to phenomenonnon*

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