Archive for March 20th, 2007

KFC 2

March 20, 2007

Sanders 

The disgusting ‘Mum’s Night Off’ campaign seems to have fallen on its arse. Such was my fury following my last whinge on WWM I ended up writing to the ASA about it and within a matter of days got a long personally written letter that converged upwards to such a sharp degree I had a fucking nosebleed reading it. For example, on the matter of that scratty little Prol dropping a bucket of rubbish the size of Vanessa Feltz into the (not recycle) bin…

“While we do regulate the content of commercials, we do not regulate the ‘creative’ content to this extent and do not feel that a brief shot of a child disposing of some rubbish is likely to influence a consumer’s methods of waste disposal…’

I felt her argument somewhat missed the point. In fact if she’d said ‘we do not regulate the ‘creative’ content…’ to my face I’d have said ‘regulate this’ in a Terminator-esque manner and blown her eye out with a Magnum or something.

Either way I’ve not seen or heard of the campaign since. It’s been replaced by something as equally utterly sickening… Food Porn. The commercial kicks off with the words, ‘white boneless chicken breast’. This is a brave mood as KFC are actually acknowledging that the matter being waved in your face was actually a living breathing creature as opposed to something really lovely that comes from La La Fuck Land where all manner of pain and death is substituted by rosy cheeked infants chuckling at Christmas trees made of fudge. Still, the words ‘bone’ and breast’ in one breath should set alarm bells ringing.

As an aside, I’m fairly sure the voice over ‘artist’ is the same bloke that does the advert for the Weetabix Week in which he gets a fucking bonk-on for all the ‘surprising’ shit sloshed over it in a lilting Southern Irish accent. He virtually ejaculates at the sight of the merest dusting of chocolate (‘whaarz dat? ITSZ CHARKLATz!!!!!’) presumably to emphasis that, yes, it’s okay, you’re still being healthy, it’s Weetabix, yes, you can be healthy and eat (a fucking tiny bit of) chocolate… there is no war, no, no children die from bombs and famine, everything is alright, everything is okay…shhhhh, shhhhhhhhhhhh.

The KFC ad isn’t dissimilar as it features chicken tits being smothered in some cochineal-infused gak whilst Murphy the Fuck loathsomely feigns his desire to ram every single putrid lump into his maw whilst he massages his veiny member into a state of nut-busting eruption. As this diatribe of rape-inspired hyperbole hums along in the background, the featured imagery is nothing more than red-hot German filth. We see the chicken breast being repeatedly teased apart like a porn stars clout by pristine female fingers, slow motion shots of gelatine-based matter being lasciviously pasted over plump, engorged breasts… In a tone almost exactly the same as the Weetabix/chocolate incident, Murphy alerts us to a huge glob of this menstruation sauce dribbling off the saturated offal. ‘Look, LOOK!’ the cunt cries… And with this the sham is exposed, everything clicks to back to normality. Order is restored.

KFC consider their audience to be of such insignificant IQ that they have to tell you what it is you’re actually seeing. Not content with making your food look like something you buy under the counter in an Amsterdam grumble shop, do they have to actually employ someone to explain that what you’re seeing is indeed, what you’re seeing? (help)

This in turn means that anyone who even considers incorporating this muck into his or her system is irreversibly damaged. They must be neutered for the sake of humanity because it will lead to more and more Mum’s Night Offs as we lose grip of our core values, fundamental respect for each other and our planet as the England we know falters and stumbles its way into the waiting hands of the faceless corporate machine that will purvey and survey our basic existence. If it hasn’t happened already.

Shit…

Chicken Mc Twizzler anyone?