Deal Or No Deal

by

Edmonds 

And so begins another edition of my favourite display of greed and pomposity.

It starts with the intrusive Edmonds positioned unbearably close to the camera as he waffles his way through his usual introductory repertoire, something about identical boxes and there only being one question – ‘deal or no deal’. It is this final line which he painfully attempts to deliver with different accentuation every time, complete with dramatic pauses. There are however, only so many ways you can say four words before it just sounds plain demented, and more often than not it does – “deal! Or? … No… DEAL?”

And cue the music. The blaring din which sounds like the same kind of Casio keyboard nonsense shat out for the Paul O’ Grady and Richard and Judy shows. I’d happily bet that it’s the work of a zombie, who seemingly does the theme tune for everything Channel 4 coughs up between three and six in the afternoon. I’m sure I could find out who is to blame if I really gave a monkey’s.

During the show, Edmonds slopes about the floor with doodles on his hand as though he is God’s gift to entertainment. The fact is, he wants a fucking good kicking.

He oozes a smugness that Craig David would be proud of, always with a different colourful shirt tucked pristinely into trouser. The shirts smack of Edmonds’ wanton desire to be seen as some kind of playful extrovert, when really he’s profoundly dull. He must have an entire house full of those arsing shirts.

Edmonds (get a haircut) tries to dupe us into thinking that every game is unique. Well I’m sorry Noel, me old cock-germ, but you ain’t fooling me. Each game may differ slightly I’ll grant you that, but not in the way that you’re suggesting, you lying prick. Fingerprints are all different, but they’re all located on the end of a fucking finger.

The desperation of the man to see this show reach cult status is apparent with the insertion of certain mawkish expressions such as ‘The Crazy Chair’ (the player’s seat) and ‘The Power Five’ (the largest sums of money available), but within the uttering of these phrases also lies Edmonds’ reckless attempts to appear cool. It’s only a matter of time before he’s saying ‘far out’ or ‘cosmic’.

It has to be said that people scare me and given that the contestants are supposedly your average Brit, I can officially announce that our country is full of dangerous tossers. Who are these fuckers and which sorry corner of our country are these pointless rectums normally holed up in?

It has become a trend for the chosen contestant to say “its fine, it’s ok” when they lose £35,000 or whatever, the way I would if I dropped 2p on the pavement and decide to leave it there because it’s barely worth bending down to pick up. Then they pace the floor and meaninglessly yell “Come on!” which seems to whip the audience up into a frenzy every time. If these people are representative of the peak of human evolution as we know it, then please; stop the world, I must get off.

But it’s not just the over-excited contestants (and fellow panellists) that concern me here. Who are the audience? Why are they there? Who are these people that care so much about the financial gain or shortcomings of others? Would you really care whether or not a complete stranger pockets a quarter of a million quid? I try hard not to watch this utter shite but I know when I’ve seen it in the past I am more eager to see them go home with 1p.

Incidentally, I have never met anyone who would waste their time sitting in on a show like this, or any show for that matter, with the exception of something genuinely entertaining such as a comedy product. The audience must consist of the same kind of pond-life that make up the audiences for shows like the National Lottery Draw and ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?’ and so on.

I could go on and on about how Deal Or No Deal winds me up, but I think that’s an aneurism I feel brewing. I will say this though; I would rather watch Bill Oddie looking for badgers than sit through another episode of this toilet juice, although conversely, I would rather stab myself repeatedly in the chest, sew up my eye-lids, and pour boiling water in my shell-likes.

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9 Responses to “Deal Or No Deal”

  1. moochy Says:

    Good rant. Made me laugh anyway

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Edmonds is the Richard III of the entertainment industry. Many condemn him, many leap to his defence. Either way it doesn’t change the fact he murdered two small boys in a castle.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Edmonds had those boys murdered, he didn’t do them by his own hand, so he deserves a slight reprieve.

  4. Dave Medlo Says:

    Lest your forget to mention that the opening titles are a masterpiece of three-pixel flash animation requiring the least amount of rendering and effort possible. They’re like an a-level students first shot at ‘animation’ as part of a forced general studies module.

    I’m also fascinated by the level of systems, theories and gameplans used in what is so obviously a game of pot luck. It’s like ascribing a cosmic system to getting the right toy from a vending machine…

    When am I going to be reinvited to this new site so I can continue casting scorn and unneccessary appreciation on all I see before me?

  5. graham Says:

    What a though provoking piece. I’m glad someone is finally sticking it to Edmonds after all these years in light entertainment.

    DOND (yes) is actually quite good. For one, it is at least a tv gameshow not based on fish eyed sods intent on brutalising one another for greed. However you look at it, each contestant generates an enormous amount of goodwill, and that at least is refreshing. It’s easy to be cynical about that, and you may, but in that case you only get what you deserve, and that is Mark Dolan, and a lifetime of drudging uncertainty.

    It is also based entirely on chance, and in that respect is as addictive and pleasing as a game of cards. Also, the music sounds exactly like the cut scenes in Resident Evil 2, and I expect Noel to suggest they split up and look for survivors at any moment.

    The best thing though is that Mr Edmonds clearly doesn’t take himself as seriously as other people do, or think he does. Or maybe he does, and is a consumate professional. Either way, I challenge you to find a more genial host on television.

    If it wasn’t for DOND (YES) I would’ve hurled myself like the proverbial donkey from a church. That’s not actually true, but it is a good show and you can’t take that away me.

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    Er… One time Mr Badger and I went over to Endemol in Bristol (which is where DOND – oh yes – is filmed). We had free tickets to see Five’s (not channel 5) new gameshow The Grid. It was a Sunday. We had bugger all else to do. And we wanted to see what had happened to Les Dennis post-Extras arse-baring.

    It was shite. And full of the dribbling brainless morons you speak of (and students). I’m quite embarrassed to admit we went, but it was an experience and it was good to see how these things are made… Ahem…

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I once went to watch Vanessa. Kill me now.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 1: The bloke off of Grand Designs.
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 2: Terry Wogan
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 3: Cross eyed man off of Dragon’s Den
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 4: Russell Brand
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 5: Dermot O’Leary
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 5: Jonathan Ross
    More genial hosts than Noel Edmonds number 6: Graham Norton

    Sorry to push the point… The quality is declining but we’ve still not got to Edmonds.

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