The Business

by

The Business 

It clearly set itself up to be the UK ‘Goodfellas’, but instead it stands as a lesson in ‘how not to make a film’.

Frankly, it’s actually hard to know where to begin with this one. How about my decision to watch it knowing that it wasn’t going to be very good by default? Okay.

Right… Well I’d made the decision to watch it earlier in the afternoon, I think as part of my ‘hey, maybe Danny Dyer’s actually alright’ therapy. I think this is because I wouldn’t mind, due to okay reviews, seeing Severance and I read something in The Guardian about his relationship with the director being compared to de Niro and Scorcese, or some such. (Shit).

I can’t stand DD (the Dagenham Dildo) I think he’s a crappy actor always playing the same cockney-lad hard-nut, despite looking like a 14-year-old weed with the charisma of a floating turd who’d jump if you gently burped across the road from him. That being said, I decided to give it a shot – despite the Football Factory I hasten to add – which is unreviewable without resorting to filming a ritual-killing.

The plot is ridiculous to the point of farce, not even worth consideration as it’s so badly conceived it makes James Herbert seem like Dostoyevsky. The sewer pipe scene… I can say no more for fear of heart failure.

In terms of casting I can’t complain, all the cons look suitable connish but the little aspect of acting seems to have been ignored. This is born out by the fact that I’ve not seen a single actor in it, before or since. They couldn’t even cast the films ‘totty’ without bothering to look below her neck.

The acting is truly exceptionally dreadful, more wooden than the cross on which Jebus was nailed, though not as interesting. The direction, the cinematography (or lack thereof) and (my personal pet hate in a lot of British film’s output) the lighting is so dire I truly refuse to believe anyone had any experience of their jobs previously. This is particularly depressing when one considers that the money used to make this muck deprived another British movie of funding. Filming me masturbating for an hour and a half until I finally squeeze watery yoghurt onto a tissue would’ve been a fucking boon.

The 80’s soundtrack isn’t actually too bad; it was nice to hear a few long forgotten tunes despite my ‘punk’ self, but to organise them in such a way they actually sucked out whatever life the film had (exposing a tiny frail skeleton with osteoporosis) seemed to me to be counter productive. An example being Echo Beach by Martha and the Muffins. I actually screamed when they faded it out even though the ‘plot’ was at it’s most critical, theoretically of course.

But perhaps the most dreadful aspect was the script, or rather, the combination of the script and the supposed acting, especially with regard to one word: ‘cunt’. The word is spoken with such acute self-awareness, I’m sure it was only at the last minute they did away with a flash bearing a fist blasting on to the screen every time it was uttered. Everyone said it repeatedly, when the women said it we were treated to a close up of a snarling mouth to emphasise the ‘shock’ value. The ‘fucks’ came thick and fast but ‘cunts’ were delivered with such diligence and care it genuinely felt as if the Director had gathered the whole crew together before shooting and said. ‘Oh, you can all be very proud of yourselves as I can confirm, THIS IS THE FIRST FILM IN THE HISTORY OF FILM TO USE THE WORD ‘CUNT’’ The cast and crew look at each other jaws dropped, ‘really?’ says one, not believing his ears, ‘YES’ replies the director and they all embrace one another, yell with delight, even a few tears are wiped from shining eyes…

What a fucking heap of shite.

Fuck Severance.

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38 Responses to “The Business”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently his latest – Outlaw – was funded purely by fans of The Business and Football Factory. Scary ain’t it?

  2. piqued Says:

    *wordlessly removes own liver and eats it humming softly*

  3. proudfoot Says:

    You’re right it’s absolute turd.
    Just one big cliched pile of toss like all the films made by this director.

  4. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Hey that sounds great!

  5. glenn riglar Says:

    get a life mate,its a low budget movie easy watch great soundtrack,and some very funny lines,take it for what it is you ginger cunt! and wash your cock.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Get a life mate’… This comes from a man who is posting a comment on an obscure blog at around 7pm on a Friday night.

    (The clocks on wordpress are out by a couple of hours for some reason)

  7. Barry Says:

    Hi, If anybody has this on DVD can somebody please tell me the tune that is playing in the background on the Making of the business after when the Set Designer is talking about having a meeting with Nick as he doesn’t think that this is a low budget film…. “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Then after Nick Love calls him a cu*t! then the song starts

    The song is from the mid 80s but i cant figure it out? The lyrics are something like, “Run for your love”….

    Please email me if you know – skevas99@hotmail.com

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That’ll be ‘Roob My Boobs Wi’ That Toob O’ Loob’ by The Stockton-On-Teets, Barry. I think it’s on the Gummidge label.

  9. Barry Says:

    Napoleon.. I didnt quite understand that your reply? Im looking for the tune that is playing on the Making Of the Buiness under the Extras on the DVD when the set designer snarls of Love “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Nick calls him a cu*t! then the track starts.. If you`ve got the DVD , try and get it for me. Cheers!

  10. Barry Says:

    Hi, If anybody has this on DVD can somebody please tell me the tune that is playing in the background on the Making of the business after when the Set Designer is talking about having a meeting with Nick as he doesn’t think that this is a low budget film…. “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Then after Nick Love calls him a cu*t! then the song starts

    The song is from the mid 80s but i cant figure it out? The lyrics are something like, “Run for your love”….

    Please email me if you know – skevas99@hotmail.com

  11. mark mcCabe Says:

    just watched the buisness with danny dyer! top movie with a top cast & a top soundtrack……ta ta

  12. piqued Says:

    Your incisive critique has shown me up

  13. Swineshead Says:

    It really has – mark – do you fancy an unpaid writing job?

  14. Barry Says:

    Hi, If anybody has this on DVD can somebody please tell me the tune that is playing in the background on the Making of the business after when the Set Designer is talking about having a meeting with Nick as he doesn’t think that this is a low budget film…. “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Then after Nick Love calls him a cu*t! then the song starts

    The song is from the mid 80s but i cant figure it out? The lyrics are something like, “Run for your love

    Please email me if you know – skevas99@hotmail.com

  15. Napoleon Says:

    Barry – these are all the songs in The Business. The one you’re looking for is one of these:

    “Planet Earth”
    Duran Duran

    “All Night Long”
    Mary Janes Girls

    “Wild Flower”
    The Cult

    “Hangin’ on a String”
    Loose Ends

    “Ghetto Life”
    Rick James

    “Welcome to the Pleasuredome”
    Frankie Goes to Hollywood

    “Heart of Glass”
    Blondie

    “Don’t You (forget About Me)”
    Simple Minds

    “Echo Beach”
    Martha and the Muffins

    “Let the Music Play”
    Shannon

    “Modern Love”
    David Bowie

    “It’s My Life”
    Talk Talk

    “Avalon”
    Roxy Music

    “Kings of the Wild Frontier”
    Adam Ant

    “Call Me”
    Blondie

  16. piqued Says:

    How helpful NC, are you alright?

    I consider myself a decent sort of chap but Barry can go swing on my dads dick if he thinks I’m lifting a finger to aid his quest for some buried 80’s popwank

    No offence Barry

  17. Barry Says:

    Napoleon , the track which i am looking for isnt in the film(sound track) its on the ‘Making of’ featurette’ on the disc. When the Set Designer is talking about having a meeting with Nick as he doesn’t think that this is a low budget film…. “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Then after Nick Love calls him a cu*t! then the song starts

  18. piqued Says:

    Barry, why don’t you just buy the fucking DVD

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Barry is either a joke by someone weird or is the most persistent man in the universe.

  20. piqued Says:

    …I can think of other options

  21. Barry Says:

    This is not a joke. I have the DVD of THE BUSINESS, all i want to know is the tune so i can download it from somewhere but i dont know who its by or anything?..

  22. Barry Says:

    Come on man, somebody wach the Making of featureete on the business DVD and let me know what the tune is please.. i know somebody knows!

  23. Napoleon Says:

    Barry – that wasn’t the CD track listing, it was every song that appears in the film. The bloody ‘making of’ documentary on the DVD contains different songs? For crying out loud! I haven’t got the DVD. Can’t you contact the film company or something? We’re a TV and film review site!

  24. Barry Says:

    Thanks for your help!

  25. Napoleon Says:

    Anytime Barry. Your dogged persistance is an example to us all.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    All well and good but what’s the song called…? And the artist is…?

  27. Napoleon Says:

    I DON’T KNOW! Why don’t you and Barry start up a ‘What’s that song on the DVD of The Business?’ detective agency?

  28. Mikey Says:

    Barry, if you find out,

    “the tune that is playing in the background on the Making of the business after when the Set Designer is talking about having a meeting with Nick as he doesn’t think that this is a low budget film…. “I don’t think Nick’s aware that this is a low-budget movie!” Then after Nick Love calls him a cu*t! then the song starts”

    Can you let us know? Cheers.

  29. Barry Says:

    I really waNt to know what the tune is! I would haVe thought TV and film review site would of had the DVD!

  30. Barry Says:

    SOMBODY must know what the track is? is an 80S track?!

    what’s the song called…? And the artist please! somebody!

  31. Barry Says:

    Come on somebody make me happy and tell me the tune? please

  32. Napoleon Says:

    BARRY! We don’t know! Christ, man, you’re like a bloodhound! We can’t surely be your only line of investigation?

  33. Mikey Says:

    Barry if I had the DVD I would give it a go. I do not however have the DVD. If you could get the particular clip on the web then it may be possible to help you. Cheers.

  34. Swineshead Says:

    Here’s a thought Barry – record it and stick up a link – then we’ll try and get our heads round it for you.

  35. Barry Says:

    Hey,

    I have a sample recording from the DVD on an MP3 Format… Where and how can i stick it up on the web?

  36. Swineshead Says:

    Barry – go the main page (by clicking on the banner at the top) and in the right hand margin click the ’email us’ link. Then send me the mp3.
    I’ll then devote one day’s post to us all sussing out what the hell the tune is and put an end to your bizarre anguish.

    WWM – we’re here to help you.

  37. Barry Says:

    Swineshead, Done.

    I have emailed wwmcontact@googlemail.com you should see the email come thru from me, Barry A.

    Thanks in advance!!

    Barry A

  38. Helping Barry « Watch With Mothers Says:

    […] of you will already know Barry from his endless pleas for assistance over here. The background is as […]

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