American Idol


After watching a single episode of American Idol on T4 I have discovered a previously unrealised sympathy for Islamic Fundamentalists and those merchants of doom who wish to see the fall of Western society. Seriously, I get it now. If tried to live a life of devotion to God and abide by the laws of a higher power then the gurning, squirming, trivial, capitalistic, moronic fucktards that populate this bastion of distraction culture would be my first target. Forget financial institutions and government buildings as these no longer carry any sway, instead wander into a blindingly lit TV studio that contains the apex of the countries karaoke singers and you could guarantee the further wrath of the illiterate 30million people who vote weekly in this sham of a competition.

Of course this isn’t American Idol like the Americans get to see it – with voting and all the excitement of a live broadcast – no, this is the UK highlight version, chopped of all interactivity and completed by the flickering lo-res quality of an untreated NTSC signal. In place of the legally obliged advert break every two minutes, we get the budget constraints of Cat Deeley doing filler links. Poor Cat Deeley – when we was told she’d be doing the US version of Pop Idol she must have been so excited, only to discover that she was being hidden away in a tiny studio with only a camera and a weight loss issue to keep her company.

“The main studio is just behind me” she gushes enthusiastically “you could not be any closer to the action if you tried.” Well actually Cat, you could. You could be in the main studio and involved in the actual production instead of trying to pretend that they even know you’re here as you try to create the illusion that anything you’re doing is in any way live. You could be co-hosting with US megastar Ryan Seacrest – destined to be the face of Just For Men the moment he hits 40 – instead of being a contractual obligation that Simon Cowell tacked on to ensure his resale rights were protected.

Like Tony Blair before her, Cat Deeley has hit the American shores in search of adulation and employment; primped and preened to within an inch of recognition she has instead found herself to be nothing more than a surgically placed arsehole waiting to be screwed again. That’s why her eyes are so dead while she struggles to enthuse about a culture that has rejected her. It’s sad, really.

The patronisation of the British edition continues with hastily shot UK-centric questions to the Ritalin restricted contestants – “The Beatles / Rolling Stones / Coldplay are the best British band of all time” they chirrup with scary uniformity, reaching out to their fans in the UK. “I looooove Lulu” one identikit teen coos, seemingly unaware that claiming long-term adulation of the mentor you first met last week hardly makes you a big fan.

The contestants are the same shambolic collection of high-school enthusiasts, morally and culturally retarded to the point where an excited “woo hoo” is their only form of communication. They represent each cliche from each section of youth society – look there’s the sweet geek, there’s the handsome surfer, there’s the fat black girl with a voice of gold, there’s the ditzy prom queen, there’s the retarded monkey boy who face-fucks the judges, there’s the juggling nazi sympathiser who just wants to entertain… they are identical in their slavish devotion to the idea of fame, in their willingness to do whatever they are told to do to achieve a fleeting sense of purpose before being casually discarded to the land of the alcholism and the sudden realisation that they are worth nothing in this world.

To give Cowell and his gaggle of opinion-goons their credit, the show is a perfect success. They are vain, money-driven people looking for easy-led, mid-talent lackeys who they can sculpt into carbon copies of a successful format and run into the ground in their endless pursuit of more profits. The format of the show is representative of the shallow contestants, the shallow contestants are pitiful incarnations of the creators and in the end the whole thing will eat itself in one big orgy of pointless self-indulgence.

Unless the terrorists get to it first.

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11 Responses to “American Idol”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Simon Cowell has nipple-flaps specially sewn into his trouser pockets.

  2. piqued Says:

    Cat Deeley is fucking hideous, she’s a sexy as Hitler’s dog (which was called Blondie by the way) and has a face like a bag of dented bells

    I bet her mimsy resembles cauliflower, there I’ve said it

  3. American Idol Fever » American Idol March 30, 2007 5:06 am Says:

    […] family to watch him dangle anyways. As it should be. This is America! And THIS. Is American Idol!American Idol After watching a single episode of American Idol on T4 I have discovered a previously unrealised […]

  4. Swineshead Says:

    What the bloody hell is that comment up there? What’s a pingback?

    And leave Deeley alone, she ain’t that bad and her looks are sure better than yours Piqued, you inside-out balloon.

  5. Dave Medlo Says:

    A pingback is an automated site that searches for blog entries on a given subject and then publishes them elsewhere. I’m not sure why… whenever we make an employment announcement on the Medlo blog it gets picked up and posted on loads of music video auto-sites.

    The web, huh. Innit weird.

    And Deeley has sold her soul to ITV… it happens to them all, Fearn Britton went quite recently and we can expect Konnie Huq to go the same way in a couple of years.

  6. piqued Says:

    Mr. Swineshead. ‘Cat’ Deeley is an intestine-sock of pig turds (on heels). Her lopsided face puts me off all the dinners I’ve ever had, I’d rather fuck Bella Emberg after she’s washed her clout in Camel jism.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    These pingback things scare me.

  8. moochy Says:

    The post – very well said. As many brain as Cat Deeley may have – she is rubbish on this!!!

  9. Stumpy Says:

    You’ve got it wrong. There was never any question about her “co-hosting” the show…so she was never “rejected” by America. In fact she was a big hit last summer presenting So You Think You Can Dance, which I assume she’ll do again.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I think someone fancies Deeley, eh Stumpy?

    Whether or not she was rejected is beside the point, she still looks an idiot sitting alone in a studio doing links.

  11. American Idol Videos | Says:

    In the news lately, some of the Idols have been dropped by their record companies. Not a very smart PR move for American Idol. I could careless about Katherine McPhee, sad for Rubin but upset about Taylor Hicks. It is very unfortunate that the record company that he signed with did not properly promote him like they did for Daughtry. I like Daughtry too, but Taylor was not given his due. Taylor, after all was the winner.

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