Have you pointed your beady little eyeballs at that new Adidas advertisement?
Thank the lord for the painful struggles and personal anguish of David Beckham; a martyr who has suffered immensely on our behalf so that we may now bask in the warm glow of his infinite wisdom.
Through his own hardships he has shown us how we too can rise above our problems – for ‘impossible is nothing’.
“This is my story” he announces in a voice that sounds like a castrated Nigel Mansell muttering in his sleep, or alternatively, a tormented squirrel feeding a struggling gopher into the whirring blades of a waste disposal unit.
He follows this intriguing introduction with some other wearisome noises that I assume were probably words, though my brain refused to process them as they seemed to blend into other easily-ignored sounds, like the tedium of a ticking clock or the distant drone of cars passing outside.
I drifted back in to it just as Beckham was regaling us with his monotonous outpouring of grief regarding his sending off against Argentina. This was followed by his mundane explanation of his arduous and pioneering battles against adversity and tribulation.
Try telling it to one of life’s real victims. How about conveying your trauma to a double amputee lying in a hospital bed with cancer of the face, having just lost their job, friends, partner, car, house, dog and money?
“Well, basically, at the end of the day, yeah, I got sent off against Argentina and I wasn’t very popular for a bit, yeah? But it’s all alright now coz I moved out the country”.
Yep, thanks Dave, you’ve been a great help. Now fuck off you clueless turd, before I batter your thoughtless face in with a bedpan.
I genuinely consider this kind of advertising to be an insult to 99% of the population of the entire planet. So what, his ego took a slight bruising. I’m pretty sure his extreme wealth went some way towards healing the blow.
In actual fact, the pansy-arsed wufter wouldn’t know real strife if it taught him how to speak proper like.
Oh, but it’s so hard being David Beckham – “ooh the press hate me, blah, blah, blah”.
Well here’s an idea for you; how about not turning yourself into a fucking celebrity?
See how that works for a bit.
Anyway, what’s with all this ‘impossible is nothing’ shit all of a sudden? Is this Beckham’s new motto or something? Sounds like a rejected subheading from an inane Tom Cruise saga to me. I could almost believe that Beckham’s despicable friend has thrown the dog a bone there. But I don’t.
But is this new-fangled phrase supposed to mean nothing is impossible?
If not then I’m guessing the message is – “Impossible? That’s nothing!”
Maybe he’s right. After all, he can kick a ball so it lands 60 yards away.
Strange how he seemed to find memorising his lines for this ad a bit impossible though. Ask yourself this; if his ‘heartfelt’ words are genuine, then why the fuck is he reading them off a board?