Hairy Bikers. Ride again.



Being both a biker and, I suppose, hairy and enjoying cooking, this programme seemed, initially, to be right up my tin pan alley.

I don’t remember the first series and the alarm bells should’ve gone off when the ‘ride again’ graphic appeared in that fucking awful luminous italic font as if an afterthought on a wankers shopping list.

As the programme started I begun to remember why I didn’t remember the first series. That’s right – it’s all coming back to me now – it’s fucking shit. The hairy bikers are a pair of camp, bearded, Geordie fatties who get a good portion of ones licence fee to travel the world on two very boring and expensive motorcycles. I am positive the only time they get on the machines is when the director asks them to ride from one side of the shot to the other. In actuality they travel in the back of separate limousines being blown off by whatever local sex industry is available. Ladyboys, in this instance.

Most of the programme features them in ‘anecdote’ mode, taking turns to pull funny faces at the camera following one scripted ‘quip’ after the other.

‘Eee by gom, this Chorizo is right good Si’,

‘Ay, and if you have anymore, you’re going to look like a Chorizo, Dave…’


(The genuinely funny comments are totally ignored, last night for example ‘Ooh, my helmet is all sticky, Dave’ and, ‘Si is so hungry, he’s eating my helmet,’ etc, are ignored without so much a fucking blink)

But perhaps the most annoying thing about HB is the fact they hardly cook anything at all. Instead, we are witness to these two cardiac-cases stuffing food into their mouths, hardly able to speak due to half the world’s food programme being masticated in their beard-holes. We also get lots on ‘interesting’ ‘facts’ about whatever godawful third world environment they happen to be escorted to, I mean bike to.

Last night we saw them in a boat looking at a whale in the distance (‘Blimey, isn’t it big, Dave?’ ‘Ay, nearly as big as you, Si.’ *gurn*). We were also treated to them lying down with Elephant bulls in the far distance (‘Blimey, isn’t it big, Si?’ ‘Ay, nearly as big as you, Dave.’ *mug* etc). Christ.

When they do cook, it’s always pre-cuts of meat. They roll meat in meat, fry it and serve it with some salsa, which they never, ever touch. They will do bread or cheese at a push though, especially with meat in it.

Anyway, this tires me. The show finished last night with the pair of them getting their first ever tattoos, matching tattoos I hasten to add, of Che Guevara on their arms. That’s two male TV presenters in their mid 40’s getting the same tats. Of Che.

*double gurn*

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43 Responses to “Hairy Bikers. Ride again.”

  1. Joe C Says:

    I find them rather endearing. They’re harmless, genial sorts. Hating them is like hating a pair of greedy teddy bears. Plus I once saw them eating a platter of animal cocks, which was strangely erotic. Is that wrong?

  2. Clair Says:

    A tattooed woman writes…this show is big, hairy, cobblers. Not about food, just about two blokes being hugely unfunny and travelling the world at the BBC’s expense whilst clogging their arteries. Where can I get a gig like this?

    Last night, I wathched The River Cottage Treatment, and realised Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is the best thing on Food Telly, as he cooks good, cares, and is naturally witty. Hooray!

  3. graham Says:

    I saw them once, and they were in Romania, and they were cooking with two types of paprika. TWO! I only thought there was one. The beary hikers have tasted something delicious and my intellect was the beneficiary, not their troll guts like you say. So think on.

  4. proudfoot Says:

    Is that programme really as camp as it sounds?

    The words ‘Blue Oyster Bar’ are crying out to me here.

  5. BIGsumo Says:

    I, for one, like them. They’re harmless enough and I do find them funny. Your critique is quite harsh mate – why not celebrate the fact that there’s something original on telly – or would you rather watch yet another Jamie Oliver show? Another Rick Stein – good as he is – being painfully shy whilst his rat-dog nibbles at some local producer who wil probably go out of business in six months time?

  6. piqued Says:


    Rick’s dog, Chalky, is fucking dead you heartless shit

  7. Andrew Collins Says:

    I love the Hairy Bikers. I actually love them with all my heart.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve not seen this one. Working for a mag that celebrates bearded men I imagine I would do though … do they sing or is it just cookin’?

  9. piqued Says:

    They touch

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:


  11. piqued Says:

    No question

    Do I stutter? Or any other form of spasmodic repetition or prolongation of vocal sounds?

    (the answer is ‘no’ btw, as I don’t)

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Dirty dirty boys

  13. Rachael Hedley Says:

    Ok, so i know everyone is entitled to their opinion, so im going to give you mine…. I don’t know who wrote the article above, as He didnt leave his name (probably because he’s a little bit sheepish) and to be honest im not particularlly bothered… But, what I am bothered about is the fact that he is so rude and pretentious, not to mention common when he describes the show as the profanity’s he wrote i found, to be discusting. I absaloutley adore the hairy bikers, its a brilliant show, describing culture, food and to be honest it gives us brits a bloody good image.
    Not to menion the fact that they can cook, which is, obviously the basis of the programme, They also are extremely talented and I would some day, hopefully have the pleasure of meeting them.
    Also, the fact that im a geordie myself, will be a bonus for me as im pretty sure i would have something to talk to them about. So, not all remarks about geordie’s are fact. hmm?
    So, in conclusion, you foul-mouthed, man, back off, get some culture and perhaps start to enjoy the finer things that life has to offer, as you only live once. The hairy bikers are making the most of theirs i say. Rachael Hedley, Newcastle upon tyne (18 years old)

  14. piqued Says:

    Hello Rachael, I’m the foul mouthed man what wrote the article…

    You’re 18, I’m 38 with a whole world of fucking culture under my belt, you twat

    Learn how to spell


  15. Rachael Hedley Says:

    Again a very good example of a child trapped in a 38 year old man’s body.

    Also, still no mention of a name, so you must be far too ashamed to be put down by an 18 year old young lady.

    For someone such as myself who has travelled around the world for most of her life, and knowing 4 languages fluently, i think that may qualify me as being cultured.
    So, Sir, I think YOU should stop being such a TWAT and perhaps get over yourself.
    And if you would like to get into a personal argument about my spelling, maybe you should work on your grammer.

    Good day. x x x x 🙂

  16. Mikey Says:

    “to be honest it gives us brits a bloody good image.” How?
    Perhaps it would be better to say ” to be honest it gives us geordies a bloody good image”.
    BTW. When did the expression ‘brit’ start ? I am not one, i am a citizen of the United Kingdom and also a European. At a push I may be British but certainly not a ‘ brit’.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, Mikey – but are you hairy?
    I think the importance of that overrides all your other twaddle.

  18. Mikey Says:

    See your point. “to be honest it gives us hairies a bloody good image.”

  19. piqued Says:

    Dear Rachel

    Put down how?

    The ‘foul mouth man what wrote the article’ was, of course, facetiousness (I assume that was your reference to my ‘grammer’ (sp) ?)

    No, I’m afraid travelling round the world for ‘most of you life’ (you’re 18, you’ve only been legally able to have cock for 2 years) and all the languages etc., doesn’t qualify your being cultured.

    It doesn’t work like that, you’ll realise that when you’re a little older, Sausage

    Bye (again)

    *expects to be squawked at for being deliberately patronising*

  20. Rachael Hedley Says:

    Considering the fact that most of brits usually go to somewhere like the canary islands for their holidays….
    Thats what i mean about them giving us a good image, as they travel the W-O-R-L-D. (you know that big round thing that we live in)

    And as for you, (foul mouthed man) Yes I have been legally able to have cock for two years, and you have been legally able to have it for 22 years, that makes you far more experienced with a cock than I am, HATS OFF TO YOU!

    You know, being 18 and far more mature than a 38 year old man, makes me feel, somewhat enlightened and also very proud of myself.

    By the way, are you married? I think no woman in the right mind would be stupid enough to marry you. (and if you are married, your wife is probably shagging another bloke.)

    Anyway, Off to make a cuppa. Tata Love. x x x x

    *expects to be squawked at for questionning ones sexuality*

  21. piqued Says:

    Hello Rachael

    You appear to be taking a lot of credit for things you don’t actually deserve, your self-congratulations on your own rather insipid comments are a little, well, un-British.

    Like you, the Hairy Bikers are taken to their destinations on the planet; it’s not like they have set off on their own (as you didn’t/couldn’t have had) and found their own way. No, they have an entire team to point their little fat hairy faces in a designated, planned to within an inch of it’s life, direction.

    Try these two for a refreshing change, and then tell me that the hairy arseholes you’re defending for reason of parochialism as far as I can ascertain (which seems dead weird for someone who claims to have travelled the world) are really pushing the boundaries of ‘travelling’.

    I hope you fail your A levels you berk.

    Toddle pip


  22. Rachael Hedley Says:

    ”I hope you fail your A levels” – PITIFUL! IS THAT ALL YOUVE GOT LEFT? I would have thought that for a 38 year old man you’d have alot more wind than that!?

    If you’re referring to the long way round (as i didnt visit the link), then yeah, that WAS a great show.
    However, as you would reclaim, they were also followed by a team in a truck with sattelite phones.

    To be honest, Im not bothered if you find it hard to believe that I have travelled the world. Not to mention the 4 languages I can speak. Including: French, Italian, English and Yuroba. (Nigerian language from the yuroba tribe).
    I am also currently learning russian.

    Anyway Love, night night. x x x x x x x x x x x x

    P.S, You still didnt tell me your sexual preference, Im guessing that my previous comment embarrased you as you havent mentioned it?

  23. Rachael Hedley Says:

    One more thing…
    I suggest you check out the hairy bikers’ episodes when they were in Namibia.


  24. Swineshead Says:

    Rachael – shut the fuck up.

  25. piqued Says:


    Why on earth is my sexual preference of any consequence to this ‘discussion’?

    (I like to be pissed on)


  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You bunch of hidebound maggots. Piqued – you’re a fuckwit. Rachael – you’re a dumbass (comes of being female, love – they’re all idiots, women). Swineshead – I shit bigger’n you for breakfast. Mike (whoever you are) – shove your bastard comments up your arse. Graham – get a job. Clair – lick my balls. Napoleon – crash, burn, fuck off and die.

    This thread should be shut down if all it’s going to do is encourage illiterate, whining slugs. Get fucked the lot of you.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    How’s giving up the fags going then?
    Well, it seems.

  28. piqued Says:

    I think someone needs a hug… Mmm?

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Day four you fucking dregs.

  30. Rachael Hedley Says:

    I found that quite amusing! x 😀 he he. bah! Fuck the hairy bikers I can’t be arsed! You win u bastard. 😀

  31. Rachael Hedley Says:

    (Don’t expect to be pissed on by me though. :|)

  32. piqued Says:

    Blast, I’ll pay…

  33. Rachael Hedley Says:

    Ha Ha. x x x I don’t come cheap tho. x

  34. Swineshead Says:

    You two can stop now, I’ve run out of aloe vera kleenex.

  35. Rachael Hedley Says:

    BUT I LOVE HIM! :p

  36. Rich Williams Says:……
    I read this thread because I was looking to see if they (FHB) had a video out…..and Im met by this…..two “people” having a row…lol…

    I thought this was a discussion on FHB…..

    Pique….you are entitled to your opinion…..afterall its your thread…..
    Racheael….You are entitled to your response…..

    But to abuse each other… this really necessary?…….after all we are all adults arent we?….

    Anyway……I/We…(my wife and I)……really enjoy FHB….as it also adds culture to cooking….
    Of course…every TV programme presenters are followed/trailed by a team of researchers, producers, soundmen, 1st aiders, wardrobe etc… it would be silly to think they were on thier own….

    THats my 2p worth…..

    Anychance of bringing this to an end?….


  37. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    It’s fine, they ended up almost having angry sex, although generally I wouldn’t advise Piqued to sleep with such a dimwit. I too am 18 but hopefully have a slightly fewer ego-monkeys throwing their shit around in my brain-cage.

    Also, the hairy bikers are pretty boring.

  38. Alan Gowland Says:

    Thankyou Rich Williams. I too, found some of the rather juvenile banter very tiring and my wife and I are in total agreement with your sentiments.
    I think that their contribution to the Saturday morning cookery show is ideally placed towards the end of the show because it keeps folks watching.

  39. Alan Gowland Says:

    Seemingly the site has misunderestood – I agree with the comments made by Rich Williams.

  40. Swineshead Says:

    I suspect Alan’s wife can’t speak for herself…

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Alan – it’s you who seems to have the misunderstanding… this site is ALL ABOUT juvenile banter. Now soap my balls.

  42. piqued Says:

    Alan, you agree with an illiterate wet? Makes sense actually, you make as much fucking sense as male nipples

  43. Si Says:

    I am Si and I have to agree – Dave and I are overpaid arse-bandits, who get paid a fortune for mugging you lot, the public, off. Fuck you!

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