The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 4

 

I missed last week’s episode due to a family member selfishly having their birthday on a Wednesday. Obviously I downloaded it and watched it the next day like the pointless, desperate little square-eyed tit that I am. It wasn’t a very good one though. But it was redeemed by the fact that Gerrie left.

It might seem odd to draw parallels between The Apprentice and The Twilight Zone, but it’s been years since I’ve watched a show where I’ve genuinely not known what the outcome will be until the final couple of minutes. When the synth used to start warbling at the end of the Zone a chill used to run down my spine. When Sugar said ‘you’re fired’ last night I came over all nauseous as I looked at my missus with a ‘blimey’ face, realising I’d just watched the most hopeless human beings in England toss around in a zoo aimlessly for an hour, to the detriment of my intellect. The fact is, so many monumental mistakes are made so regularly that it’s quite tough to figure out who’ll walk. Half of them (at least) deserve to go.

In the event it was Sophie the Quantum Physicist who left the boardroom a loser, due to the fact, it seems, that she’s a Quantum Physicist. Fair enough, Big Al has no real use for a clever scientist, and Sophie really has nothing to offer the corporare world of a mediocre, Essex-based business, but when such mind-blowing errors of judgement were made throughout the day, it’s not very cathartic to watch someone walk because they weren’t cut out for the job in the first place. I want to see people shoved out for idiocy and brainlessness. In the event, the first few firings are inevitably for these reasons, and sometimes in a different order:

1.) Hapless
2.) Too posh
3.) Doesn’t want to be here
4.) Not qualified or overqualified

This means that the characters who have a few likeable traits tend to leave first. Sophie last night admitted that The Apprentice was her first taste of the corporate world, and after experiencing it, it would probably be her last. Good for her – but why did she even bother in the first place? She must have seen series one and two?

Last night the challenge was to make sweets and sell them. This led to Adam‘s team making ‘Natural Orange Lollies’. Natural in this case meaning they had seven sets of e-numbers in them. I’m not the greatest lateral thinker and I’ve been told several times that my common sense is virtually non-existent. There was that time I tried to clean a blender with only my bare hands and a bit of fairy liquid for example. But even I would know that ‘natural’ means natural and not pumped up with glucose, additives, preservatives and e-numbers which have been proved to send kids momentarily mental. Marketing that was always going to be tough. Adam was fucked from the get-go.

But only by a tenner as it turns out. Ghazal hilariously got knackered and stopped making her monkey lollies around the 150 mark. If she’d have made the full batch she’d have run away with the win, impressed Sugary Alan and never had to worry about being Project Manager again. She clearly thought good TV was more important than her chances of winning and so gave us a hissy fit to titter at. She’s a good old sport. And her monkey lollies actually looked edible, which is more than can be said for Adam’s hardened sugar-crap. I can’t put it any better than big Al who dubbed it ‘childs’ vomit in araldite’. Genius wordplay, I thought.

The laugh out loud moment last night came with the line: ‘Tre has decided to market lollies directly to fat people’. Love him or despise him, he’s bloody good value.

A couple of final thoughts – it’s ace at the beginning when we have an infuriated Sugar ranting, specifically the line ‘YOU LOST ME MONEY’. I like to imagine he’s saying ‘me’ as a common way of saying ‘my’. As in ‘oooh, you’ve lost all me money, you silly sod!’

It makes him seem more human, somehow. 

And finally, Fido Dido is REALLY annoying me with snide, offside comments. Keep an eye on her. I’m praying she fucks up in a big way and gets booted back to obscurity with a particularly hefty impact.

Tags: Television, The Apprentice, The UK, Tits, Twats