Archive for April 26th, 2007

The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 5

April 26, 2007

Tit Eating Fish 

Some blonde-on-blonde ‘art’ action after nine ‘o’ clock on BBC1? Surely not.

Actually, it was only the Apprentice.

Kristina Grimes – whose name makes her sound like a tart in a sitcom – took on Natalie Wood and to be honest it was clear from the off who was going to win this. Grimes is so self-assured she could sell you your own body for a cool half mill, whereas Wood is a well-meaning sort who hasn’t quite got what it takes to be number one in the business world (because what it takes is a psychopathic outlook on humanity and ethics).

This week’s task was to ‘take on the art-world’. The candidates would decide which two artists’ work they liked (of a very limited selection) and then try and flog them in an informal gallery setting. My problem from the very begin was that the art they were looking to flog was essentially commercial photography rather than anything truly interesting. Every picture on display wouldn’t have looked out of place in a high-end Arena. But then, I am a self-confessed art-buffoon who got an ‘E’ at A Level, so I’m probably wrong on that score.

The only photographer whose work I liked, the small rodenty chap with the insane pictures of his mum and dad prostrate on the floor in animal masks, was shunned early on as the teams went for the the most sellable and less interesting stuff.

I have to confess, I was with Fido Dido on this one. She at least had a sense of what she was talking about and seemed engaged with the market in a vague way. The fact she didn’t sell a picture is somewhat irrelevant – surely selling art is about making contacts above all else, rather than selling product wholesale.  Obviously that would make a series in itself and wouldn’t suit the Apprentice at all, so they made a difficult and complex industry into a simplistic buy, buy / sell, sell thing, and it didn’t work at all. If Tre is a better artist’s agent than Fido Dido, I’ll eat my own balls.

Speaking of Tre, once again he provided the only real comedy. This stemmed from the fact that he clearly has a very real problem with women, and more specifically, tits. He took all the pieces by one artist who apparently made work based around the ocean and the body against the wall, owing to the fact that it displayed a crab’s claw gripping a large breast’s nipple. His reasoning behind this? ‘I don’t wanna look at no tit-eating fish’.

A crab is not a fish, Tre. You fucking bozo.

My favourite moment last night was upper-upper class twit Paul ringing around to arrange guests for the viewing. “Hi, yah, I’m calling from a company called Stealth. Ya – Stealth. Ya – Stealth as in ‘Stealth Bomber'”. If someone that posh called me up and said that, I would assume that either the MOD were on to me for some reason and wanted to splash my guts onto concrete, or I’d have thought I was subject to a wind-up. Posh people are so amusing sometimes. And so rich, the bastards.

Adam, in his defence after the debacle of last week, has made back some ground after selling well and sticking to his principles. I reckon he’ll be in the final three. But it’s not worth a gamble – this programme is so unpredictable that I’d be wasting my hard-earned. I also enjoyed the entirely unnecessary shot of Naomi‘s bottom as she was massaged at a spa, as I’m sure a million teenage boys enjoyed it throughout the country.

Finally – what’s happened to Jadine? She was almost entirely edited out of this week’s edition. Maybe she made herself nauseous and had an off day.