The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 5


Tit Eating Fish 

Some blonde-on-blonde ‘art’ action after nine ‘o’ clock on BBC1? Surely not.

Actually, it was only the Apprentice.

Kristina Grimes – whose name makes her sound like a tart in a sitcom – took on Natalie Wood and to be honest it was clear from the off who was going to win this. Grimes is so self-assured she could sell you your own body for a cool half mill, whereas Wood is a well-meaning sort who hasn’t quite got what it takes to be number one in the business world (because what it takes is a psychopathic outlook on humanity and ethics).

This week’s task was to ‘take on the art-world’. The candidates would decide which two artists’ work they liked (of a very limited selection) and then try and flog them in an informal gallery setting. My problem from the very begin was that the art they were looking to flog was essentially commercial photography rather than anything truly interesting. Every picture on display wouldn’t have looked out of place in a high-end Arena. But then, I am a self-confessed art-buffoon who got an ‘E’ at A Level, so I’m probably wrong on that score.

The only photographer whose work I liked, the small rodenty chap with the insane pictures of his mum and dad prostrate on the floor in animal masks, was shunned early on as the teams went for the the most sellable and less interesting stuff.

I have to confess, I was with Fido Dido on this one. She at least had a sense of what she was talking about and seemed engaged with the market in a vague way. The fact she didn’t sell a picture is somewhat irrelevant – surely selling art is about making contacts above all else, rather than selling product wholesale.  Obviously that would make a series in itself and wouldn’t suit the Apprentice at all, so they made a difficult and complex industry into a simplistic buy, buy / sell, sell thing, and it didn’t work at all. If Tre is a better artist’s agent than Fido Dido, I’ll eat my own balls.

Speaking of Tre, once again he provided the only real comedy. This stemmed from the fact that he clearly has a very real problem with women, and more specifically, tits. He took all the pieces by one artist who apparently made work based around the ocean and the body against the wall, owing to the fact that it displayed a crab’s claw gripping a large breast’s nipple. His reasoning behind this? ‘I don’t wanna look at no tit-eating fish’.

A crab is not a fish, Tre. You fucking bozo.

My favourite moment last night was upper-upper class twit Paul ringing around to arrange guests for the viewing. “Hi, yah, I’m calling from a company called Stealth. Ya – Stealth. Ya – Stealth as in ‘Stealth Bomber'”. If someone that posh called me up and said that, I would assume that either the MOD were on to me for some reason and wanted to splash my guts onto concrete, or I’d have thought I was subject to a wind-up. Posh people are so amusing sometimes. And so rich, the bastards.

Adam, in his defence after the debacle of last week, has made back some ground after selling well and sticking to his principles. I reckon he’ll be in the final three. But it’s not worth a gamble – this programme is so unpredictable that I’d be wasting my hard-earned. I also enjoyed the entirely unnecessary shot of Naomi‘s bottom as she was massaged at a spa, as I’m sure a million teenage boys enjoyed it throughout the country.

Finally – what’s happened to Jadine? She was almost entirely edited out of this week’s edition. Maybe she made herself nauseous and had an off day.

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20 Responses to “The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 5”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘…surely selling art is about making contacts above all else, rather than selling product wholesale.’

    Nah – making contacts is about making contacts. Selling art is about selling art … and if you can sell it wholesale, even better – it’s difficult to pay for your shopping with a list of contacts.

    You blackguard

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah, maybe I didn’t word that correctly – I just mean it’s better to make friends and influence rather than push for a sale and get it with the outcome being the buyer hates you and doesn’t want to see you again.

    But I speak as someone ignorant of that business.

    You racist.

  3. Joe C Says:

    As pointed out on the ‘You’re Fired’ show on BBC2, their biggest mistake was not making it clear to the potential customers that it was for one night only. That way, people would have come with more of a buying outlook. Fido Dido was fucking useless. She turned into some artsy-fartsy ((C) Tre) pretentious idiot, and let herself be bullied by the Lips photographer and her posh husband. I’m sure Siralan has got her card marked on this one.

    Anyway, Swineshead, I’m with you on one thing – I loved the rodenty guy with his roadkill pics too, and I’m sure so would the clientele of the Brick Lane area. Edgy, silly and well conceived. Right up their street, or erm, lane. They all missed a trcik by not selecting his work.

    If Tre goes, the whole thing dies. He’s an idiot, but he makes great telly. That piece to camera at the end where he said, ‘I’ve found something else I’m really good at” had me biting a pillow in a mixture of rage and laughter.

  4. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I was staggered that a piece of photographic paper with a pair of 80s-lookin’ lips printed on it, some wood and a piece of glass cost £1950.

    And wasn’t it just lovely to see yet another ‘artist’ (a-ho-ho-ho, come back to me when you’ve painted something love) being so uppity and pompous? Really does my trade a lot of favours, that whole ‘I’m an artist and therefore SO much more important than you’ attitude. The bollock.

    £1950 for a big snap … you can buy a fucking car for that! A car!

  5. Swineshead Says:

    That whole bit must’ve been staged. Surely?

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You’d have hoped so wouldn’t ye? Sadly I’ve met ‘artists’ far worse than that. It strikes me that the less talent they have, the more disagreeable they are, and the more they’ll go out of their way to point out they’re an ARTIST (usually lookin’ down their noses at you at the time).

    A case in point is a very well-respected animator friend of mine. He’s the nicest chap you’d ever care to meet and is unassuming about his work to a ridiculous degree. If you met him and managed to squeeze the info out of him that he’s an artist, he’d say what he does is nothing special (I would disagree, as have Industrial, Light and Magic and God-knows how many other film companies who regularly employ his singular services). Opposing this is a woman animator I used to know who had about as much talent as Jim Davidson yet had an opinion of herself and her ‘art’ that led you to believe she was the second coming of Michaelangelo.

    There are, of course, wankers in all walks o’ life … it just seems art specialises in a particularly irritating starin of wanker that stands head ‘n’ shoulders above their wanky brethren.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:


  8. Swineshead Says:



  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Japanese for ‘Stalin’ I think … hang on! … is that racist?

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Be quiet and look at the tits at the top of the page… woohoo!

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They’re not the best pair of knockers though are they? And the claws don’t exactly help.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    They’re the best you’ll get on Watch With Mothers son as knockers have to be in context.

    As for the claws – depends what you’re into I s’pose.

    *humps lobster*

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Knockers have to be in context eh? I watched Private Castings X 14 t’other day … shall I write about that so we can have some decent-looking boobs on ‘ere eh? Eh?

    You scoundrel!

  14. Swineshead Says:

    No. No you should not.
    Just send me a copy.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Get your own porn you cheap shithouse

  16. Dave Medlo Says:

    “and let herself be bullied by the Lips photographer and her posh husband”

    Lest we forget that this is the episode of the Apprentice where we met clients more hateful, obnoxious, pretentious and talentless than the apprentices themselves.

    Surely that’s a first?

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I believe it is … unless you count those Nazi bastard greengrocers from the first series.

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  20. Aimee Says:

    hello, does anyone know the photographer’s name who did the lips ?
    i am interested as i am doing A level art work on human features, and would find it useful to look at all the woman’s work, as i remember seeing her work on The Apprentice



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