Reality / Eastenders

by

Bradders

Did you happen to catch Eastenders yesterday? Eh?

Bradley, the one who looks like a slapped arse, and that girl I can’t remember the name of had a conversation about science fiction. They even mentioned Return of the Jedi, and Han Solo, and Luke Skywalker. You see what they did there? They made a cultural reference that was supposed to connect the show with the wider reality of the real world … ooooooo, clever Eastenders!

So, despite being a place where Skoe is the lager of choice, where non-existent magazines fill the shelves of the Mini-Mart, where everyone knows everyone else and make all their major announcements in the local pub, where everyone does their banking at the cash machine of a fake bank in Walford station, where all food is purchased at a corner shop, where no-one has a washing machine, where bottles of wine are purchased in the pub and not from an off-licence, where clothes for a night out are bought off market stalls, where everyone has money without ever seeming to do a job, where everyone reads The Walford Gazette but never The Times or The Sun, where General Elections are ignored, where major sporting events are celebrated without anyone watching any sport, where murderers run free in the streets and where having an affair can be conducted out in the open until the penny drops in the pub … despite all this shit and more we are supposed to see some connection with reality because one of the characters mentions Return of the Jedi?

The writers of the show couldn’t even get their dangerous new dabbling with the real world right for cryin’ out loud. Bradley asked the girl I can’t remember the name of who was her favourite – Luke or Han? She replied ‘Luke’ and Bradders just nodded. Eh? Anyone in the real world knows the answer to that question and it aint Luke Skywalker …  

… stupid bastards.

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18 Responses to “Reality / Eastenders”

  1. Joe C Says:

    They mentioned the cup final when West Ham were in it last year. I think the storyline involved Garry. Naturally it was shit.

    And then there was that truly, truly appalling episode where Billy Mitchell found out that his daughter had Downs and went mental on a tube that was stuck in a tunnel (yes a real TUBE TRAIN!) only to find out it was the fifth anniversary of 9/11. He found this out because a man held up a copy of the Evening Standard and said, “Don’t you know what day it is?”. Of course, Old Man Face Billy’s troubles immediately melted away in the face of the enormity of that FACT. It was the most heavy handed, badly acted, misdirected piece of TV I have seen in a long time. Even the extras who had nothing to say managed to ham up being silent passengers. So it’s no wonder they tend to leave real-life out of the Square. I don’t know if it’s the actors or the writers fault, but it just doesn’t work.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Come off it, Eastenders is escapism – I love the fact that it’s almost like a parallel universe populated by unrealistic semi-humans.

    The Max/Stacey thing is a bit nauseating though.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Yes, but being a parallel universe makes any reference to the real world stick out like a fart in car. Take Gary and his support for West Ham. Gary is the kind of man that would buy an official West Ham strip – one with the team’s sponsor on it – but instead he wears some weird Sixties shirt in the team’s colours. I wouldn’t be surprised if he and Minty went to watch a game armed with rattles and bobble-hats.

    THE BASTARDS!

  4. Swineshead Says:

    It’s true, everyone knows the retro strips are the preserve of the middle classes…

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Exactly … and without wanting to sound like a snob (even though I am one – clearly), it’s your mechanics of this world that keep ghastly hives like JJB Sports afloat. What self-respecting member of the lower orders would be seen dead in a retro West Ham strip from the 60s?

  6. Joe C Says:

    They should make a decision to exclude all real life events, as these occasional glimpses are obviously shit and completely ruin the soapy illusion.

    Unless the writers are versed in the alienation techniques of Berthold Brecht?

    Oh, and Garry has two r’s. I looked it up. And Minty’s real name is Rick.

  7. Roszs Says:

    The Archers is an honourable exception though. I got very wrapped up in their foot and mouth storyline a few years back. And the GM rape seed one was a nailbiter too.

  8. Badger Madge Says:

    Yup. As soon as she said “Luke” I expected Bradders (who’s meant to be a proper Sci Fi fan) to tell her to fuck off out of his house and never darken her doorstep again. But no. He agreed! Ha! Call himself a Star Wars fan…

    Oh, by the way – some mags in the corner shop are real. In fact an old copy of the mag I work for was on the shelf a while ago. Woo!

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Woo? Is that an Urban Woo?

  10. proudfoot Says:

    Some damn good points there Napolean. I saw the particular episode of which you speak, and that scene with the conversation about Star Wars left me feeling mentally assaulted to the point where I thought I had been brain-raped. I was still cringing in my sleep that night.

    The person who plays Bradley is the worst actor I have ever had the displeasure to gaze upon in my life. Why can’t he deliver a line without an awkward little snigger at the end? He does it every time he speaks, and once you notice it, it drives you fucking barmy.

    I must remember to never watch it again.

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I don’t s’much mind Bradders as Mickey’s flaming girlfriend, whatever her name is. That woman couldn’t act her way out of a paper-bag with a zip on it.

    That said – yes … yes I would.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Christ, I think any red-blooded male would.
    And she cultivates drugs for a living – she’s a shoe in for girlfriend of the year.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Shame about the acting … but by God give me half an hour with her in a darkened room and I’d give her some acting lessons she wouldn’t forget in a bloody hurry, wouldn’t I just?

    *Fiddles with padlock on trousers … takes deep breath … power-farts*

  14. GILLIAN Says:

    BRADLEY’S CUTE WHEN HE ASKS STACY OUT HE HAS A GOOD CHANCE WITH HER HE JUST DOSE’NT HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY.I MEAN HE’S ROMANTIC AND HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN THE LADIES ON BUT HE JUST DOSE’NT WANT TO FOLLOW IN HIS DADS STEPS.MAX IS AN IDIOT CHEATING ON TANYA BUT STACY IS FED UP WITH HIM SO SHE WAS GONNA TELL TANYA ABOUT HER AND MAX UNTILL…..HIS 30 MINUTES WERE UP MAX HAD TAKEN HIS FAMILY ON HOLIDAY SO WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. HOLLA.I’M ONLY TEN YOU KNOW.

  15. GILLIAN Says:

    BRADLEY’S CUTE WHEN HE ASKS STACY OUT HE HAS A GOOD CHANCE WITH HER HE JUST DOSE’NT HAVE THE RIGHT WORDS TO SAY.I MEAN HE’S ROMANTIC AND HE KNOWS HOW TO TURN THE LADIES ON BUT HE JUST DOSE’NT WANT TO FOLLOW IN HIS DADS STEPS.MAX IS AN IDIOT CHEATING ON TANYA BUT STACY IS FED UP WITH HIM SO SHE WAS GONNA TELL TANYA ABOUT HER AND MAX UNTILL…..HIS 30 MINUTES WERE UP MAX HAD TAKEN HIS FAMILY ON HOLIDAY SO WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. HOLLA.I’M ONLY 10
    YOU KNOW.

  16. lala Says:

    bradley cant be doing that badly have you seen that fit model hes knocked up in real life? its due in december, i dont think much of the name coco amelle clements though! poor girl is gonna be ripped to shreds!

  17. Zdavoro is the name of my ebay profile Says:

    I don’t like Eastenders. Some nuisance caller told me i sounded like Bradley. The fuckin moron. Here’s her no. 07880832352

  18. http://www.prnewswire.com Says:

    I’ve had my Eco-friendly smoke for five months today and my own battery remains going powerful! Thanks

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