How To Make A Trisha Show

by

Trisha Goddard 

Take one uneducated primate with concerns that his idiot girlfriend is cheating on him and put him on television. Ask him questions he doesn’t understand whilst laughing at him. Bring on his aforementioned idiot girlfriend and laugh and laugh when you discover that:

  1. The couple have been going out for a month.
  2. She’s 17 and has already had two children – or ‘babbies’ as she calls ’em.
  3. He sends photos of his cock to his heroin addict ex-girlfriend.
  4. He slaps her about and she puts fags out on his arms when he’s monged out on dope.

Next, bring on the idiot girlfriend’s mother. She’ll be utterly appalling and come running at the boyfriend hell-for-leather, shouting and screaming like a banshee. Sit her down and get an audience member to tell her to shut up. Ask her a series of questions she doesn’t understand either, making sure you find out:

  1. She’s as bad as, if not worse than the other two.
  2. She’s had eight children by eight different fathers – all born before she hit her twenty-first birthday.
  3. She has a husband/boyfriend who’s just as bad as her daughter’s other half.

Bring on the husband/boyfriend. He’ll be dressed in what amounts to rags and will sport a comb-over and moustache. Ascertain that he has a problem with:

  1. Gambling.
  2. Drink.
  3. Keeping it in his trousers.
  4. Keeping control of his temper.
  5. Employment.

To counter-balance the parents of the idiot girlfriend, bring on the primate boyfriend’s dad. He’ll be sporting a tracksuit and pony-tail and lots and lots of gold – a display of ostentatiousness that’s hard to explain considering he’s not worked since James Callahan was Prime Minister. After he’s stopped shouting in an incoherent Northern accent, ask him, as sarcastically as you can, a series of questions that will leave the audience in no doubt that he is:

  1. A cheat.
  2. A benefits scrounger.
  3. A liar.
  4. A bastard.
  5. Unable to communicate above the level of a monkey.

 Now reveal, through a semi-scientific lie-detector test, that:

  1. The primate boyfriend has fucked six girls on the estate, impregnated three of them and has contracted anything from syphilis to AIDS.
  2. The idiot girlfriend’s pregnant again and has caught anything from syphilis to AIDS from the primate boyfriend.
  3. The mother has been cheating on her husband/boyfriend with a knock-off tracksuit salesman. She has contracted AIDS.
  4. The husband/boyfriend has AIDS, is nearly dead, and turns out to be gay.
  5. The father is a lying, cheating, benefit-scrounging thief with AIDS.

Now you have revealed the truth about this pack of sub-human jackals offer them counselling and tell them to get out of your studio. The counselling will do them no good because they’re no better than apes.

Congratulations – you’ve just made your first Trisha show.

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36 Responses to “How To Make A Trisha Show”

  1. piqued Says:

    Where do they find these people? There are so may of them too…they shouldn’t be allowed to breed these types, perhaps a late night version of the show is in order

    Trisha: Sterilise This

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Enough of this snobbery, I’ve bought excellent drugs before off of these types of people – they do a bloody hard job and take a lot of risks for us smug middle-classers…

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    After watching Crimewatch last night I came up with the following idea:

    Send a wired-up person into a sink estate as ‘bait’. Wait for the inevitable pack of scum to come swaggering over. Listen out for the codephrase ‘You dis-respecting me?” Shoot whoever says it.

    I have other ideas how to sort Britain out – most of ’em involve gassing and sterilising young people … I’ve turned into a fascist haven’t I?

    Well haven’t I?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    It’s outright nazism – ‘stupid people shouldn’t breed’.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I have nothing against stupid people breeding, free society and all that … but wouldn’t it be better if we could turn ’em into non-stupid people first? Y’know? So it’s not just a never-ending cycle of stupid people making more stupid people forever and ever? Wouldn’t that get rid of the BNP? And the reason for The Daily Mail to exist?

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – I agree. How do we get hold of their brains so we can adapt them?

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Knives? Some sort of probe? Stick ’em in a room with Richard Dawkins and Alain De Bottom until they give in?

  8. piqued Says:

    Alan the Bottom is such a boffin, he’s like Sooooo Square

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    He’s even got a boffin’s head and face. I bet he wouldn’t put up with any of this television nonsense. I bet Alain De Bottom thinks better shit when he’s having a shit than any of the shit they show on the shitbox.

  10. piqued Says:

    Yes, he’s all pointy-egghead and comfortable v-necks with tweed

    He’s 37

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Is he really? I had him down as an EMO … because no one understands them either! BOOM BOOM! Do I win £5?

  12. Clair Says:

    Ditto Jeremy Kyle, but make the presenters’ ego larger (‘Hello, sweetheart!’). My fave bloke on his show recently was one who had punched his girlfriend in the face, and kicked her in the stomach, both ‘by accident’, and naturally, he ‘blacked out’ when it was happening, so he has no recollection of the events.

    God, I feel dirty. But…good.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    An ‘accident’ I remember recently from Trisha is when a guy ‘accidentally’ caught gonorrhea when he’d been shafting some crack-whore behind his pregnant girlfriend’s back. I assume he’d been hoovering in the nude when he ‘accidentally’ fell on the woman.

    Not that I watch Trisha you understand.

  14. proudfoot Says:

    “Dope”? Are you in your 50’s?

  15. proudfoot Says:

    I once saw an episode of Trisha back when it was on ITV ages ago. Some woman had been mistreated by her bloke and Trisha was telling the woman to stand on her own two feet and leave him.

    No word of a lie, this was her sage advice; “You’ve got to start being independent. A strong independent woman. Listen to Destiny’s Child” (!!)

    I learned the true meaning of the word ‘shocking’ that day, and I’ve never been able to forget it.

  16. Dave Medlo Says:

    I didn’t see that episode, and indeed haven’t watched Trisha in years, but that’s one bloody excellent article. Bravo.

  17. kirsty Says:

    im looking for an old episode of trisha i think it was in 1997 about a young girl and her brother their names were nicola tyer and jamie tyer please could you help me find it thank you

  18. carly Says:

    Hi 🙂 Does anybody know how to get hold of old episodes because i was in the audience some time in 2004 and didnt get to record it. 🙂 Thanks

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Maybe try UKNova.com? Or even isohunt.com

    Unlikely, but worth a shot.

  20. jamie tyer Says:

    hi kirsty contact me, i was on trisha.

  21. jamie tyer Says:

    its vcute@o2.co.uk

  22. jamie tyer Says:

    just thinkin bout it do i no u?? as u no both my full name and my sisters name.

  23. jamie tyer Says:

    coz as far as i no they never gave out our full names on air. same as amy wen she came on.

  24. liz thinbal Says:

    Hi There Jamie

    I saw you on trisha too, i work for a magizine called THE REMAKE and would like to do an after story about you and your sister but with a twist we want to slightly exagerate and make that you and your sister have both changed your genders to explore the possible parody of this could you help ?

  25. j tyer Says:

    ?

  26. jamie tyer Says:

    hi liz, mail me at vcute@o2.co.uk or jamie.tyer@ntlworld.com or ask admin man to give u my add.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jamie

    Liz is fucking with you son.

  28. Daily Digest | Wednesday 2 May « Because we like talking about TV as much as you do… Says:

    […] Ever wondered how they make Trisha? […]

  29. Middle Man Says:

    I totally agree and loved the post. You may enjoy my own musings on similar subjects:

    http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2008/03/14/i-blame-jeremy-kyle/

    http://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2007/09/10/grumpy-old-man-part-1/

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  36. james mcnamara Says:

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