Strongbow (again)

by

Strongbow 

Someone else has posted on this fucking advert, I thought I’d stick my two pennies worth in as it’s perpetually on.

Last night I noticed something about the main turd in the advert. In comparison to everyone else in the commercial he’s startlingly ugly, yet clearly the protagonist of some sort of ‘good’.

For a start he orders the drinks by thumbing a cocky finger in the direction of the token black man to his left (it’s okay, Strongbow drinkers aren’t all young racist working class cunts on the poverty line) and the au fait fop to his right (nor are they to be found in town centres beating the fucking shit out of anyone with a lisp). Strongbow man is the leader of the pack, the winner, and the go-getter…

Ugly’s two companions are bought ‘lager’. What a generous chap this Strongbow drinker is, despite looking as if he’s been formed for millions of years in a peat bog, he’s a bloody good bloke.

The lager-drinkers sip their pints and are briefly refreshed and get on with watching the football with all the handsome cheery men in the pub. But Ugly, as we know, stands there for most of the fucking night welded to the spot, mouth open exhaling loudly because he’s being that refreshed. What a barrel of laughs he must be on a Saturday night. All of his pals are seen in the background having a killer time as clearly their team score. Yes s s s s s s s…Not for Ugly, he’s in a world of his own.

After he’s snapped out of his trance he once again displays another act of philanthropy by offering his two under refreshed mates ‘crisps’. Crisps? No one has ever, ever looked at me and said ‘crisps?’ In fact, I don’t think in the history of pubs and crisps one man has ever turned to another and said ‘crisps’.

It’s a baffling bit of marketing. Obviously we (men) are supposed to somehow relate to the Ugly cunt because he’s not a groomed male model type, he’s a bloody good ugly bloke offering beer and crisps to all and sundry with a kind, open fizzog. But then he contributes nothing to the social bonding clearly taking place in the background; he doesn’t even notice his mates for an age, and they don’t notice him either. No one fucking cares even when he starts acting like a lunatic, no one comes over and checks to see if he’s alright, they just carry on as if it’s perfectly fucking normal to be stood stock still breathing loudly in one direction for an hour…

So where does this leave us? Somewhere like this: If you look like a bag of dented bells, whilst being prone to long, evening length, bouts of vertical epilepsy and have mates that only hang out with you because you buy the drinks and ‘crisps’, then drink Strongbow.

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11 Responses to “Strongbow (again)”

  1. proudfoot Says:

    I have decided that the exchanging of ideas by creative teams and marketing bods while trying to rustle up concepts for new commercials must, at times, become so profoundly outlandish and desperate, that after months of ‘blue-sky’ing it, no-one is sure what a good idea even sounds like anymore.
    This produces the garbled kind of crap advertising that has companies treating their potential consumers like a collection of various stereotypes, consequently alienating everyone with even a scintilla of sense.

    I fucking despise ALL adverts and will not be joining the march of the zombies thankyou very much.

    *Sips Strongbow*

    Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I used to like George the Chas ‘n’ Dave bear. I’d happily ‘follow the bear’ all the way to pissing in my trousers whilst forgetting my own name if I could actually find a can of Hoffmeister. Do they still make the stuff? I once drank so much of the stuff at some God-awful party in a field in Wales that I had no objections whatsoever in sleeping with one of the fattest women I’ve ever seen in my life.

  3. piqued Says:

    Wasn’t it like 0.0000000000001 per cent?

    You wanted to sleep with the fat, admit it

  4. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Got to try all shapes ‘n’ sizes in this life says I … though I could ha’ done without that one in my memory banks, lookin’ back.

    I believe the Hoff was 3% or thereabouts … what can I say? I was young and hadn’t got into my stride as far as beating my liver to death with proper booze by that stage. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah memories.

  5. Daniel Hoffmann-Gill Says:

    Jesus Christ, you feel a little too strongly about the ads.

    I’m actually in the second version of this ad, which has just come out.

    Can’t wait for you to rip into that with your withering insight and wit…

    *cough*

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Daniel – if an ad’s shit it needs to be discussed. We can’t just let these intrusions on our brain get by unscathed.

    I’ve just seen your pic – are you the guy who gets ‘refreshed’?

  7. piqued Says:

    Dear Mr. Hoffmann-Gill

    You’re a professional actor I presume?

    Then for fucks sake get off your high horse, you’ve got a job, well done, you don’t have to defend the shit your employees are selling.

    Take the fucking money and enjoy it until The National give you a call.

    Sincerely

    Barnsely Farquar-Smythe III

  8. Daniel Hoffmann-Gill Says:

    Swineshead: The ‘ahhhh’ thing seems a good gimmick, from the response I get in the street to people using it down the pub amongst mates seems to have that viral edge but of course, it’s all taste. I feature in the second one where two people get refreshed, I’m the non-black one who is 6ft 7in.

    Piqued: Indeed I am professional, not defending it just offering another viewpoint in the debate.

  9. piqued Says:

    Fair enough Daniel. I hope it leads on to greater things

  10. Josh PT Says:

    referring to the orignal post…

    its common practice to turn to a fellow in a public house and ask the question soley in the form of

    “crisps?”

    SO frankly.

    yea.

  11. piqued Says:

    Only if you’re a knuckle dragging baseball hat bedecked fuck biscuit, Josh

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