The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 7


Nasty girl 

Some deep-seated antipathy is manifesting itself in the Apprentice. Last night was all out war between Katie (who has gone from resembling Fido Dido to being a mirror image of a rubber chicken), Kristina and Adam. All of whom were on the same team. I’ll give you three guesses as to who lost.

Up against Simon, they really didn’t have a chance – the inevitable back-stabbing would result in one of them getting fired – and it was never going to be Kristina. They should play a burst of Foreigner’s ‘Cold as Ice’ every time she flicks onscreen, for she is this year’s Ice Queen. She will win, unless she really buggers things up or turns into snow and melts before the time is over. Speaking of personal theme tunes for contestants, Katie would have benefitted from a little incidental music this time around – Foreigner’s ‘I Wanna Know What Love Is’, perhaps, given her mood-shift since her beau Paul – or Captain Mainwaring as Sugar would have it – left in disgrace last week.

The task this week was buying. Corporate buying, obviously, not simply finding things and then buying them. They had to seek a decent discount on various items. There were penalties involved if they didn’t buy all the items on the list and penalties if they bought at cost price. For a mathematical imbecile like me, in work-shutdown mode after six o clock, the figures were quite hard to follow last night. It doesn’t take a genius to realise, however, that turning up late and incurring a fine is better than turning up on time and incurring two fines. One glance at the rules and even Frank Spencer would’ve grasped that. Buy every item at a fractionally reduced cost, maybe twist the arm of the softest couple of suckers you meet to get a big discount on the odd item and you should be quids in. Just don’t turn up with less than ten items. Seek and ye shall find.

So, Adam took the reins as the opposing Project Manager and had Katie and Kristina to manage. Foolishly, he sent them out on their own to work as a double act (they had previously demonstrated only disdain for one another) while he worked alongside the vacuous arse-on-legs that is Ghazal. Lovely to look at, but when she opens her mouth it’s akin to a neutron bomb going off. If Adam had paired off with Kristina he would have won the task. They were kindred spirits in the final three last week when they buried Paul – why didn’t Adam see that? Because he’s a salesman, and like most salesmen he has a stupefying belief in his own ability that is not only unrealistic, it’s pathologically dangerous.

Kristina and Katie, demonstrating the cold, determined will to survive that only career-women can muster, worked well together despite their myriad differences. Any shopkeeper, with two blondes approaching begging for two quid off a pot of leg-wax whilst smiling, cooing and promising to never bother you ever again, would probably let it pass, knock a couple of quid off and put it down to experience. It certainly beat Adam’s method of staring out the vendor, hand clasped to chin.

In the meantime, Simon ran around doing an excellent Basil Fawlty impression: ‘GET IN THE CAR, GET OUT THE CAR, GET BACK IN THE CAR – Tre can you move up a bit please? Honestly…’. They got all the items on the list and everything was tickety-boo. Tre provided comic relief when buying from a Brick Lane vendor by mimicking (presumably) his Dad’s accent. Jadine seemed to work well with Lohit. It was smooth-running. They even picked up the elusive Nigella Seeds, the one item that stumped Adam and Ghazal for a good six hours.

In the boardroom, the knives came out in what was probably the most sneaky and hate-filled meeting in the show’s history. Katie ‘had her head down because she’d lost her friend’ Adam claimed. While she had grown even more poisonous when speaking about Adam, she didn’t work less hard, so it wasn’t a fair thing to mention. As it was patently untrue, Alan Sugar actually had a meeting within the meeting and decided that issue should be dropped. Katie then (having slagged Adam off in the preceding vox pop for being Northern) accused Adam of being ‘a little too friendly with Mr Pinot and Mr Grigio’, implying he’s a hardened boozer. Which is bullshit. Christ she’s awful. Sorry – but as I try to relay the events, my mind wanders and I find myself focusing on quite how fucking vile Katie ‘Fido-Dido Rubber-Chicken’ is. She’s vastly hideous. If you’ve never experienced how upper-class witches speak and act, then watch the next Apprentice. But not the one after that, she’ll hopefully have gone by then.

Adam was out of his depth – sadly he had to go. But Katie’ll be next. You mark my words (and prayers).

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36 Responses to “The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 7”

  1. proudfoot Says:

    I could have found out what Nigella seeds were in two minutes. All you have to do is text 63336! (Any question answered) It’s a great service.

    Katie clearly has no soul. I reckon her theme tune could be Lou Reed’s Vicious. Or maybe Bob Dylan’s Idiot wind.
    Or a mix of both- Idiot vicious wind. Everytime she fucking speaks.

  2. Joe C Says:

    Yeah, I echo your sentiments Swinsey. Katie is vile. She surely must realise that there is no way in hell that Sugar will want somebody that posionous and underhand working for him? She has to go. Why in Christ is this the only reality show on TV where we can’t phone in and vote people out?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    That’d reduce it’s prestige – it’s surely top of the premiership in terms of the league of reality…

  4. proudfoot Says:

    Just looking at that picture of Katie makes me want to inject her in the neck with a deadly but very slow releasing toxin.

    Come to think of it, Sillit-Bang would probably do the trick.

    Bang! and the dirt is gone.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Barry Fry would probably excel if he took part in the Apprentice…

  6. Paul Groves Says:

    Hopefully next week Katie’s theme tune will be: “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead,” when she gets fired.

    Apart from the increasingly hard-nosed and faced Kristina, none of this sorry bunch are up to much.

    I even thought the Comic Penis put in a strangely muted and unsatisfying performance. Simon is an arse with all the wit and intelligence of…well, Tre…and Jadine…and…Ghazal…and…

    Give the job to Frances, Sir Alan’s ever-efficient PA.

  7. proudfoot Says:

    Yeah, old Fry-bags is one formidable mutha.

    He’s like a force of nature. He’d blow everyone to shit and then clean up the mess with his all-purpose surface firearm.

  8. proudfoot Says:

    I hear you PG, the comic penis was rather limp this week….

  9. Clair Says:

    Thinking Nigella seeds were used to re-surface football pitches. *slaps forehead repeatedly with palm whilst going ‘DUUUHHHHH’*

  10. proudfoot Says:

    Barry Scott is the Bang-man.

    Anyone know who the shitting-hell Barry Fry is?

    Does he make those orangey chocolate eggs that Dawn French shoves down her neck?

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This show’s a bloody sham. The phone goes off in the morning and one of the idiots answers in his underpants,

    “Be at so and so in twenty minutes,” says the woman on one of Alan the Clown’s crappy phones.

    “Right you are,” replies the idiot.

    Twenty minutes later the men are washed, shaved, shitted, suited, booted.
    Twenty minutes later the women are washed, moisturised, shitted, had their hair done, had their nails done, applied vast quantities of make-up, shaved (in Katie’s case), suited, booted, handbagged.

    Twenty minutes? Yes? Call me a dyed-in-the-wool sexist but there’s not a woman I’ve met in my entire life who’s managed to get through her ridiculous morning routine in that amount o’ time.

    And how many bathrooms does this house have? That many people taking it in turns to have a piss first thing is going to burn up at least ten minutes … twenty minutes my arse.

    What else is patently bullshit about this show? Alan’s lines, p’raps? Seeing the vulgar little bully mumble his way through television interviews without displaying an ounce of wit, I do wonder.

  12. piqued Says:

    Tre. He managed to racially offend himself in the back of the cab, but because he’s so thick thought it was funny

    Let me indulge you…

    A person of Southern Asian extraction doing a condescending impersonation of a person of Southern Asian extraction to a bemused Southern Asian shop keeper

    Then his mate did an appallingly offensive 1970’s ITV style impersonation of a person of Southern Asian extraction (which these days would see someone hanged from the neck until dead) and Tre looked as if he’d won the fucking show.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – that had occurred to me, but I felt, as Tre wasn’t offended, they are clearly friendly enough to mock one another. It depends on how Tre felt about it really.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Good stuff on that point here…

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I thought Tre’s Welsh accent was magnificent. Can he do Scotch d’you think?

  16. Paul Groves Says:

    Re: Tre and Simon’s dubious accents.
    I was surprised Tre didn’t jump down Simon’s throat. He has previously gone off like a firework at any perceived slight.
    When Simon started aping him, I at least expected Tre to have a similar response to Katrina’s when Dr Sophie accused of her being a “feminist” after she resorted to the oldest profession to make money.

    (PS: Great photo of the Wicked Witch at the top of the article BTW – displaying all the hate-filled, doe-eyed smugness we’ve come to loathe about the woman)

  17. piqued Says:

    Swines… I meant that Tre was racist to the shopkeeper (mocked her accent and condescended her) the fact he found that cunts impression funny just goes to show what a quivering helm he is

  18. Swineshead Says:

    PG – Pic lovingly ripped off the BBC website, and they’ve rewarded me by quoting me on the You’re Fired site… Huzzah!

    Piqued – but how can he be racist about his own race? He was thickening his accent to get access to goods…

  19. piqued Says:

    That’s the point I made earlier when I said he racially offended himself

    Tre is of Southern Asian extraction, but he speaks with a perfect English accent. He’s born and bred

    He wasn’t ‘thickening’ his accent, he did a bad impersonation of the Lady he was talking to in order to secure good by means of relating on a racial level, and this soon descended into patronising condensation when she couldn’t understand a fucking word he was saying

  20. Swineshead Says:

    He was patronising but racist? Bit of an extreme judgement. You just don’t like the bloke.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I notice you don’t diss Ramsay for his constant, tiresome mocking of the French, by the way.

  22. piqued Says:

    I had a go at Tre last week for calling the French ‘frogs’ and saying they were all bad drivers, though

    (I didn’t see Ramsey this week son)

  23. Paul Groves Says:

    You’ve replaced me on the Beeb’s blog!
    Curse you Swineshead.

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Have I?
    Bloody hell…

    I’d better get me perm seen to – they’ll be needing me on Newsnight soon n’doubt.

  25. Paul Groves Says:

    I reckon you’d do a better job on Adrian’s show that Dominic Wood or John Culshaw managed last night. I was quite impressed with the lingerie woman though.

    My wife made a valid point last night – if John Culshaw really is a man of a thousand voices, why does he persist with the irritatingly squeaky one that is his “normal” voice?

  26. Swineshead Says:

    If I went on You’re Fired I reckon I might fall asleep, I can’t hack it – it’s like an immediate repeat.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I call the French ‘Frogs’ because they eat frogs, snails, horses and dogs (as far as I’m concerned they eat dogs anyway). And they eat onions and go ‘aw-he-haw-he-haw’ and shrug a lot. And they’re damned ungrateful that we bailed ’em out of the war … AGAIN! And they ride bicycles, eat garlic, never wash, wear striped jerseys and smoke too much. And they’re all rapists (except for the women who are all either prostitutes or nuns).

    That’s why they’re ‘Frogs’ – because frogs do all of the above (see above)

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Erm – Napoleon (the name) has a Gallic ring to it…

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I am, like Tre, happy to insult my own kind. VIVE LA FRANCE!

  30. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Whilst I remember, can we have the scriptwriters of a future episode write a bit where Simon beats Katie over the head with a paddle whilst shouting “THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT! THAT’S THE WAY TO DO IT!” and then have her attacked by a crocodile and thrown out of a window?

  31. piqued Says:

    I have an erection of some note, btw

  32. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I get a similar reaction when I’m at the beach watching Punch ‘n’ Judy shows with the kids … oh, hang on …

  33. proudfoot Says:

    Is that a map of the world adam has etched on his forehead in blackheads? or is it just me? or is it? eh?

  34. Joe C Says:

    I noticed that on the You’re Fired show Adam’s acne ridden forehead was wonderfully shiny and smooth. The make-up department must have lumped on the foundation with a trowel.

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I once knew a girl with spots on her back that, with a bit of squinting admittedly, looked like Scooter off of The Muppets. To be fair to her, these spots were the least of her worries – being, as she was, a spiteful, petty, underhanded little jezebel with a heart of black ice. I suppose you could argue the unusual spot arrangement added the only ounce of humour she posessed in her entire body … not that Scooter was all that humourous.

  36. proudfoot Says:

    I once knew this guy who had a big wart on his shoulder.
    Over time it grew and grew until it became a proper head and eventually it engulfed his real sunken noggin…

    Oh wait…. Actually that was a film I once watched. Sorry.

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