Panorama – Scientology And Me

by

John Sweeney 

This half hour episode on Scientology relates itself to the story that Scientologists want their crazy little cult to be recognized as a proper religion in Britain, however, a court ruling had been passed a few years ago in which it was deemed unfit to fall into the category of a real religion, on account of it being corrupt and sinister. So not at all like other religions then.

Anyway, this normally sobering staple of BBC discharge begins as usual with that walking face Jeremy Vine standing all huddled up in his scarf and mack looking every inch the concerned journalist. (Why does it feel like winter whenever he appears on screen?) Normally Vine himself dominates proceedings, but thankfully this time the reigns are handed over to John Sweeney, but not before Vine sardonically bellows – “Whatever you do, don’t call Scientology a cult.”

For the first half of the show Sweeney attempts to meet and interview some of those disilliusioned by Scientology, who, for whatever reason, have little good to say about life in the cult. It seemed though, that wherever Sweeney went, sinister man-in-black Tommy Davis lurked somewhere close behind. Davis is a spokesman of the church of scientology and frequently appears out of nowhere to besmirch someone’s name. That is his job.

If you saw the programme, you’ll have seen Sweeney at one point interviewing a man who was quite reasonably criticizing Scientology, only to be interrupted by the menacing Davis, who got out of a nearby car with a list in his hand comprising of minor crimes the man had committed, which he proceeded to read to Sweeney. Obviously he was trying to discredit the man in order to render his testimony untrustworthy. These crimes included smoking a bit of pot. This is what they do. Criticize the weirdos at your own risk.

Even taking into account the BBC’s traditionally sneaky methods of editing, Davis comes across like a nasty little fascist who never shuts up. Not only is he a brainwashed numpty but he appears incapable of having a conversation. Several times he would make a point but when Sweeney tried to comment he was drowned out by an agressive Davis yelling – “Now you listen to me for a second!”, before embarking on rants that sounded like Hitler’s might’ve after a botched lobotomy or two.

Given this, it’s not surprising that Sweeney finally cracked and screamed at Davis like a broken torture victim. Although this sequence didn’t make it into the show in full, you can see the clip on YouTube (posted there by some of Scientology’s own documentary makers as part of a smear campaign against Panorama). Even though Sweeney goes demented, Davis continues to ramble inanely all the way through it, regardless. It’s quite surreal.

This episode was advertised on the promise of interviews with some of Scientology’s celebrity disciples, including Juliette Lewis (whom I had thought better of) and Kirstie Alley, (whom I hadn’t) but the most we were allowed was a real dopey quote from the massive-faced John Travolta, who claimed that Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe could have been saved by the cult. If this means that Travolta isn’t going to die any time soon then I may really start hating Scientology. The other interviews apparently went a bit skew-whiff due to Sweeney’s unsympathetic line of questioning. By this I mean that he asked them for their thoughts on L. Ron Hubbard’s flannel-juice fairy tale about the warlord Xenu, who was, according to Hubbsy, an intergalactic dictator back in the day. 75 million years ago to be precise. The story goes that Xenu brought billions of aliens to earth, stuffed them into volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs (he didn’t fuck around). Their souls then merged and stuck to the bodies of the living (?), and they continue to wreak havoc today (something reeks, but it ain’t havoc). Disappointingly we don’t get to hear Lewis or Alley’s reactions to Sweeney’s questions, but their bewildered expressions said it all. Unsurprisingly, Tommy Davis was present, barking at Sweeney that he sounded ridiculous for asking.

Quite where Hubbard gleaned this information from is beyond me, but to procure the name of a 75 million year old spaceman constitutes some impressive research.

Scientologists are clearly embarrassed about this little stain on their belief structure and are now backpeddling in an attempt to edit their core beliefs, Although i don’t know why, because to me it’s no more unbelievable than most religious ideologies anyway.

So now I’ve said my piece about Scientology I have to change my identity and flee the country. They don’t like being criticized y’know…

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18 Responses to “Panorama – Scientology And Me”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I wish it had lasted longer than half an hour. Brilliant TV. I’m going down to the Tottenham Court Road office in my lunch hour to poo on their doorstep.

    The thing that got me was that the celebs were terrified of revealing the truth – that they’d paid £100,000 to get to ‘Stage 7’ only to learn that it’s all based on a cartoonish tale of idiocy. And if they tell the truth they’ll get their heads caved in by a shady mafia. CRETINS.

    You thought better of Juliette Lewis? I’m also shocked Giovanni Ribisi, Beck and Jason Lee are signed up too…

  2. Xenu-phobe Says:

    Scientology is now a wholly OWNED property of the BBC, Sgt Major Sweeny is in charge.

    Scientologists…take your places near the Volcano and look up.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I would like to disassociate myself from any negative comments made about the wonderful world of Scientology and its adherents. May I further add that they’re all lovely people and please don’t get me.

    All hail Xenu!

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Bloody good point…
    Yes – ALL HAIL XENU.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s too late for you Swineshead. You’ve already shown your true colours in your original comment. Already Scientologists (lovely people) are getting in touch with their Google contacts to find out exactly what filthy perversions you’ve searched for over the last ten years. And then they’re going to send what they find to your wife. You’re doomed!

    As for Proudfoot, well I’d just shoot m’self now if I were you. Your life officially ended the moment you pressed ‘save’.

    Now where’s my bloody E-Meter?

  6. proudfoot Says:

    Help! Some shady characters are knocking on my door right now! What do I do? AARRRGGHH !!

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Told you so

  8. Badger Madge Says:

    I’m a Scientologist and so is my wife…

  9. mcjeff Says:

    Poor old Beck, what’s he gotten himself into.

  10. KAELEE Says:

    AS A DEVOUT SCIENTOLOGIST, BORN AND RAISED AS ONE MY WHOLE LIFE I WOULD LIKE TO TELL U THAT U ARE NOTHING BUT A BIGOT AND PREJDICED FREAK, A HUSTLER AND STREET PANHANDLER ON A PETRI DISH AND U FUCKEN PEICE OF SHIT, U HAVE IMPALED USELF WITH YOUR OWN LIES.
    I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM SCIENTOLOGY AND BUILT A CONFRONT AGAINST THE WORLD. DO U GET THE TOP MATH SCORE OUT OF ANYONE IN THE WHOLE REGION? I DOUBT IT.
    THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY IS MORE BETTER THAN OTHER RELIGION ON THE FACE OF THIS EARTH.
    PSYCHIATRY KILLS SCIENTOLOGY BUILDS. MEMBERS OF MY CONGREGATION TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR HATE SITE U FUCKEN PROSTITUTE AND U CANT LIBEL US, U HERE? U R NOT PROTECTED BY THE INTERNET. SO I”D THINK ABOUT IT AND ASK MYSELF SOME SERIOUS QUESTIONS IF I WERE U. WHAT DO U THINK OF THAT U FUCKEN BIGOTTED MORON????????????????????!
    WE ARE GONNA FIGHT PANORAMA AND WIN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!

  11. piqued Says:

    Hi Kaelee

    Some excellent point made there in concise and mannered prose

    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with calling the author ‘A BIGOT AND PREJDICED FREAK, A HUSTLER AND STREET PANHANDLER’ and certainly cleared up the whole ‘THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY IS MORE BETTER THAN OTHER RELIGION’ debate.

    Indeed, you’ve gone some way in changing my opinion of Scientologists per se, I’d assumed they were all inspid, poorly educated brainwashed cunts prior to reading your article.

    Thank you for your time and all the very best to you.

  12. proudfoot Says:

    I feel sorry for you Kaelee, you sound like a horrible person.

    You say you have learned much from Scientology yet you can’t spell, or even structure a decent argument.
    Also, you clearly possess the eloquence of a common thug and I suspect the world would be a far better place without you in it.
    Furthermore, I sincerely hope you are able to find the strength of character required to climb out of the pit of despair you are obviously wallowing in.

    Seek help fellow human.

  13. Dominic Harvey Says:

    I like your keywords for this entry, especially “Sham”, “Nazi” and “Tits”. I hesitate to say anything against these creepy assholes so I’ll keep my mouth shut. Now I finally have a glimpse of what it must be like to be persuaded to support ‘Nazism’, ‘Maoism’, ‘OurTroopsInIraq-ism’, etc. God bless you all.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Kaelee

    It’s a damned shame your rather clownish pseudo-religion didn’t teach you how to write English when it was teaching you all of these other things. I suppose there’s not much time for grammatical nit-pickery when you’ve so much to learn about life and the dangers of psychiatry via the teachings of a washed-out 50s playboy.

    Well that’s me fucked.

  15. Roszs Says:

    Kaelee – it’s ‘maths’ not ‘math’. WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?

  16. the truth Says:

    i know im a year late on this one … but, seriously, scientologists … go jump … and please take that tommy davis guy with you?? thanks 🙂

    sincerely,

    the rest of the world

  17. xenu PWNXOR Says:

    Kaelee you obviously are not that devoted to Scientology, first off your not supposed to even be talking to SP’s(which would be us) part of the Scientology code is that you are only supposed to defend the religion not attack others, you god damn idiot. i know more about your cult that you do.

  18. Dave Says:

    Nanoo Nanoo.

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