The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 9


 Bunch of Apprentices

Bad timing. In the same week that the Cutty Sark – that symbol of defiant English trading – burned to naught but a shrivelled nub in suspicious circumstances, the BBC transmitted Sugar’s secretary calling the remaining contestants, first thing in the morning on one of Amstrad’s ludicrously massive phones. Guess where she told them to assemble to meet the big man? That’s right – Greenwich, home to the Sark. Immediately this episode felt like a bit of a relic, something knackered and wheeled out from the past.

Sugar appeared on the quayside flanked by his henchman and woman. Canary Wharf loomed in the background actually forming a bishop’s mitre around Alan’s big ears. The concept of international trading would be the basis of the task, we were informed. Tre would lead JadineSimon and Lohit whilst Katie would lead Kristina and Naomi. If Katie’s team lost we had a chance of ousting either the revolting Katie or the smugly professional Kristina. My fingers were already crossed to the point of fracturing my knuckles. But then the fear set in. Look at the state of Jadine! She’s blubbing! The editors are telling us something (and they’re not being very fucking subtle)! SHITE! Obviously Tre found Jadine’s femininity disgusting. ‘You know what women are like’ he said, like the sexist shitbag he is.

So Katie (I spit a huge phlegm-cob into the dust every time I say the name) went off with Naomi (who is hopeless at everything apart from looking good in a frock and will not win). They sold a fair few pieces of tat having decided on going with the Canadian trader. They were selling a weird insole (effectively a fancy odour eater), a solar panel which I think was meant as a tanning soloution or possibly to ward off S.A.D. and a rug/jigsaw thing that they found impossible to flog until Kristina did the business, again marking herself out as the future winner unless something goes very, very wrong for her.

One of the buyers Katie and Naomi sold to was very clearly taken only by one of the sellers’ appearance. And I think we can conclude that we’re talking about Naomi rather than Katie. Slime oozed off him when he said ‘I’ll take a cent’, meaning ‘I’ll buy a hundred off you, cos I fancy the crumpet’. He didn’t exactly do wonders for the reputation of sellers of Chelsea rubbish. Faint echoes of Harry Enfield’s ‘I saw you coming’ character wafted across the eardrums. After the deal Katie bigged herself up on a wave of confidence. ‘I have taste’, she exclaimed, clearly forgetting the racks of sub-regal pink suits she has at home.

On the other hand, Tre and Simon chose Swedish goods. Firstly there was an air filter which Tre said he liked for its ‘ethical qualities’. How wasting electricity on getting rid of a bit of pollen is ethical is beyond me, but Tre has started to make it clear he is intelligent by, instead of swearing, using the words ‘as such’ as a suffix to every sentence, as such. So he admired the filters ‘ethical qualities, as such’. What a thicko. They also chose a weird heatable fluffy toy beanbag monstrosity and something else I can’t remember. It was probably useless.

Jadine’s sensitive outburst was clearly going to be her downfall, despite the fact that she and Lohit made the biggest sale for their losing team while Simon (who did precisely fuck all) and Tre, as such, made few sales and farted about like bickering shoolmates. With about a grand less in profit in comparison to the ladies, they ended up Sugarside and Tre took Jadine and Lohit with him. Tre let off Simon in a show of camaraderie which made me nauseous. How is Simon coasting through so easily? It seems mighty unfair to me considering he’s got so little to offer aside from a nice-but-dim manner spiked by the occasional borderline-racist ethnic impression. But the rules dictate that only two need to go through for the final showdown and Jadine and Lohit were destined to face the rap as they weren’t key members of the Tre/Paul massive.

Lohit really didn’t deserve to be there and he defended Jadine very well. Unfortunately, though Sugar had said how tough the decision was, it seemed he’d already made his decision. He criticised Lohit for ‘talking the talk’ and essentially made him do a 360, turning him on Jadine so that, as the boss, he could fire Jadine with everyone’s backing. At least he gave her a good send-off, praising her to high heaven and sending her on her way with the best sentiment displayed so far.

In the closing moments, Tre revealed his devastating game-plan. ‘Keep tellin’ people you’re da best, and soon enough they believe it’. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot. He’s paved the way to his own exit with that statement. As such.

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8 Responses to “The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 9”

  1. Paul Groves Says:

    Agreed that Kristina is the favourite. But she is one dimensional (a born saleswoman with precious little else) and if the bearded one wants something a bit more then I think he has only one option left to him.


    There I’ve said it.

    Look at the previous two winners and there are striking similarities with Naomi – they look good, they’re in their mid-20s, they can sell (a bit), they’re inoffensive, they can work in a team, they can be upfront (but only for a little bit) and they can shrink into the background when someone bigger and better (Sir Alan) comes along.
    Oh, and they look good and their in the mid-20s.
    She’s undeserving, but Naomi fits the bill based on the previous two series.

    The rest are dubious entertainment value at best, as such.

    Anyway, I don’t care.
    I’m off on my holidays for a fortnight.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    When you put it like that…

    Yes I can see your point. But she has done nothing off her own back – has she even been team leader yet?

    Anyway – happy holidays.

  3. Joe C Says:

    I don’t think Sir Alan will pick the inoffensive, glamourpuss this time around as it backfired on him last time when Michelle quit after only a few months. I’m sure as much as the show is simply a huge publicity stunt for him and his company, he would also like to unearth somebody capable of making some real money for him and his company. Unless Kristina does something majorly fucking stupid, she will win. I was impressed with how quickly she absorbed the info about that light box, and her sales patter was fantastic. I’m Sir Alan would have been impressed, and will realise she is the only serious contender.

    I don’t know that he really wants an apprentice at all. He can cherry pick unlimited apprentices from the thousands of graduate CV’s he gets every year. Nope, this time around I reckon he wants a selling cyborg, and Kristina is his man.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Kristina is his man’ – spot on.

  5. proudfoot Says:

    I heard the other day that a filthy sex tape of Naomi has been leaked.
    Apparently though, it may not actually be her, but rather someone who just looks a bit like her.

    Either way, I bet it’s a right pile of toss.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    ‘I bet it’s a right pile of toss’.





    *clutches chest*


  7. proudfoot Says:

    It wasn’t supposed to be that funny mate.

    Oh well, rest in peace you nutter.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Actually I hadn’t realised you meant it as a joke. I am a thick.

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