Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End

by

 At World's End 

Warning: Spoilers! Sort of … 

To fully appreciate how fast and loose the writers of Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End play with comprehensibility and plot, look no further than the differing explanations as to why Geoffrey Rush’s Captain Barbossa was easier to rescue from death than is Johnny Depp’s Cap’n Jack Sparrow. “Barbossa,” says the loony Cajun lady from Dead Man’s Chest, “was merely dead.” Jack, it transpires, has gone to a far far worse place – Davy Jones’s Locker, a realm that looks a lot like Utah and which is populated by dozens of replica Cap’n Jacks, one of whom is a chicken.

Oh well that’s alright then.

At World’s End has a plot (I think) … it’s just buried beneath a thousand tons of … well … fuck knows. We never find out why Barbossa was easier to rescue past the fact he was ‘just dead’, and we never really find out why Jack was, in fact, a damned-sight easier to rescue than we’d been led to believe. Suffice it to say Jack is rescued and then lots of other stuff happens. And I mean LOTS of stuff … nearly three bloody hours worth.

The story, for what it’s worth, goes something like this: Jack needs rescuing because he’s one of nine pirate lords who each hold one of the fabled nine pieces of eight. Barbossa needs to rescue Jack so Jack can cast his vote at a meeting of the nine pirate lords. He also needs The Black Pearl to fight Davy Jones who is now in the employ of Lord Beckett because Lord Beckett has Davy Jones’s heart. Elizabeth Swann and the stupefyingly dull Will Turner aren’t on the best of terms because Elizabeth betrayed Jack and Will has betrayed everyone else. Will, y’see, needs the Pearl to rescue his dad Bootstrap from Davy Jones who, in turn, has some unfinished business with the bonkers Cajun lady from Dead Man’s Chest.

There are a lot of betrayals. Jack betrays all of the pirates at the big pirate conference. Will betrays Jack and Elizabeth. Elizabeth betrays somebody … possibly Chow-Yun Fat’s Sao Feng (he betrays everyone as well). The crazy Cajun lady betrays everyone because she is an angry Goddess. Davy Jones betrays Lord Beckett. Barbossa betrays everyone … yadda yadda yadda. There are many many double-crosses, most of which make very little sense. For most of the running time you won’t fully comprehend why a particular character has turned round and betrayed everyone – nor will you understand why they are later back fighting for the side they betrayed without the side they betrayed being in the least bit miffed. I felt betrayed by this.

To add to the confusion, most of the cast die at least once. This doesn’t matter much because death isn’t a particular barrier to carrying on living your life. By the movie’s conclusion you do wonder who’s still alive, who’s now immortal, who is actually properly dead and, of course, what the fuck is going on.

To give it its dues, At World’s End looks beautiful. The sets, costumes, CGI work and props are faultless, magnificent, gorgeous achievements. The pirate ships, especially in the climactic battle scene, are glorious. The whole design of the movie at times takes your breath away … which it should do when you consider it cost $250 million dollars to make. If somebody doesn’t win an award for the effort made over making a film look this good, there’s no justice in this world.

It’s just a shame they didn’t spend some of that money sorting out the plot, the overwhelming mass of separate story-lines, or the horrendous sound mix. Half the time you can’t hear yourself think. As pirates bellow at one another in a series of unintelligible accents, Hans Zimmer’s overblown score thunders out, physically assaulting your ears and making understanding what anyone is saying an impossiblity. Perhaps this is why I couldn’t understand what was happening half the time – I couldn’t bloody hear it over the score.

In conclusion Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End is a monstrous, garbled, beautiful, bonkers, boring, noisy, hallucinogenic mess. It is worth watching because I can’t recall ever seeing a film looking this fantastic ever, and some of its set-pieces make your jaw drop to the floor. Just don’t expect to understand what’s going on or even, ultimately, to care.

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19 Responses to “Pirates Of The Caribbean: At World’s End”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    I haven’t even seen the first one yet. I think the presence of Bloom and Knightley would make me cover my entire flat, skirting board and all in a vile green vomit. I hate them two. And I haven’t even met them, which means they must be really bad.

  2. piqued Says:

    I’m with the head of swines on this one; not seen any of them.

    I reckon the one about the Black Pearl was a euphemism for Knightly’s bean, her button yeah, because it’s gone off from Bloom’s fetid lick AND WINKIE SPERMS

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The first one’s rollicking good fun. The second one’s bloated but does contain the greatest CGI characterisation I believe yet committed to screen in Davy Jones (which is interesting if you find this sort of thing interesting). The third is just bonkers.

    I’d heartily recommend No.1 me hearties.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    What do you call a paedophile pirate?

    ARRRRR Kelly.

  5. 50 Cent Says:

    Fuck all you mother fockers

  6. 50 Cent Says:

    fuck you

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Fuck you! Fuck you! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand …. FUCK YOU!

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Fuck you

  9. ali Says:

    its wicked gr8 amazin awsum! |Fuckin brill! I saw the film in an outdoor cinema in greece! Its a basterding wicked film. I’m gonna see a million morte time till it gets borin…. wait its neva gonna get ferakin borin its so good. WAY BETTA THAN OVAS. And sexy turner gets sexier, and jack sparrow gets sexier and funnier!

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Better than ovas eh? Shouldn’t that be ‘ovum’? Snarf snarf oh aint I just the patronizing piece o’ shit?

  11. Bill Compton Says:

    Hi Jim. Photos i received. Thanks

  12. Jay and silient bob Says:

    ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS ARE GONA PAY YOU ARE THE ONES WHO ARE THE BALL LICKERS WERE GONA FUCK YOUR MOTHER WHILE YOU STAND THEIR AND CRY LIKE LITTLE BITCHS one we get to your house were gona make u eat my shit then wel eat you shit then make u eat my shit which is your shit that i made you eat

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Bill – wrong website perhaps?

    Jay and ‘silient’ bob… thanks.

    If anyone wants to email the latter, feel free:

    rosaacri2@aol.com

  14. piqued Says:

    How come, all of a sudden, we’ve a bunch of illiterate dicks posting?

  15. Swineshead Says:

    An increase in readers = comment drivel.

  16. piqued Says:

    I notice they post on below average Hollywood tosh rather than discussing the intellectual nuances of McCoys Crisps or Chris Moyles face, for example

  17. Jessie Says:

    This movie is fascinating and I can not believe how ignorant you all are. Hans Zimmer is a genius and so are the writers and producers and director. If you are that dense to not be able to understand a semi-complicated plot then you should not be watching a movie and then bitching about how you can not understand it. Perhaps it is necissary to think while actually watching this movie….is that so horrible. Or maybe you should just stick to cartoons. Not much thinking is required for those.

    Good Day!

  18. piqued Says:

    I think it’s ‘necissary’ you learn how to spell you awful cunt

  19. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jessie

    Did you bother reading this review? I actually thoroughly enjoyed At World’s End. Unlike you, clearly the sort of genius who can uravel a plot as convoluted as Octopussy’s or Revolver’s, I just couldn’t make sense of it … BECAUSE IT MADE NO FUCKING SENSE. If you’re tricking y’self into thinking it did, answer me this:

    Why is Jack, a far nicer pirate, trapped in Davey Jones’s Locker, yet Barbossa, a shitbag, isn’t?

    Why is the journey to Davey Jones’s Locker described as an arduous adventure, yet turns out to be a piece of piss?

    How come Barbossa knows how to get there?

    This is just the start of the film. Questions like this crop up all the time.

    Oh, and maybe you’ve just watched this on DVD (I see it came out recently), and they’ve fiddled about with it. I assure you, in a decent cinema the score was so loud you could barely make out what anyone was saying. And this isn’t just me. Go to Metacritic or Rotten Tomatoes and you’ll see just about everyone who reviewed the theatrical release says the same.

    And try avoiding the ‘genius’ word in future, love. Sir Isaac Newton was a genius, the guys who wrote ‘Third Rock From The Sun’ and ‘Shrek II’ aren’t.

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