Big Brother 8

by

Big Brother 8

10 Week Wankathon

And that’s just Carol, the bearded Aunt Flo who hates cock.

Davina was looking nice until she started doing that crouching, gurning Davina thing, and there we were, it’s BB as we all know and pretend to despise.

With regard to my blog on yesterday’s piqued (clang) the house made more than a passing reference to surrealism, or rather Dali. Yellow Mae West lips sofa and fish rather than lobster telephone. Ironically and tellingly such forced ‘weirdness’ is negated by an otherworldly collision of style, impracticality and cruelty. I’ll even accept the chickens in resin a la Damien Hirst’s Away from the Flock was a nice touch. This is the nastiest house yet, bath in the living room, fridge in the garden, cooker in the bedroom and Catholic in the kitchen or something.

In they came, a pair of vacuous blonde twins in minis chewing on lollies, Lolita x 2, Nabokov would pissed out his testis. They’re both as sweet as pie, cute, vacuous and wholly evil.

“Let’s put the next one in!” bellows Davina as if hysterically announcing the second solid shit she’s passed in 6 months.

Lesley, bloke-faced member of the Women’s Institute, I reckon she spends a lot of time in meetings showing the ladies of Charwood how to take out the vas deferens just by hearing. She’ll get on well with the hairy whale, if she doesn’t roundhouse her face off first.

Charley, instant bonk on, fucking fabulous body but with a face that isn’t quite as pretty or lascivious as it thinks it is. Imagine the body of a younger Tyra Banks with the head of Snoop Doggy Dogg winking at you. Quids in, gold digger. She seems like trouble but will probably keep her horns in until dick walks in…

Next Tracey, fucking awful multicoloured anachronism from the awful, hideous days of early rave. Looks like Johnny Rotten – she’s definitely been abused. Thick as Mr. T with a boner. Awful.

I’m looking forward to seeing Chanelle cry. She’s the visual equivalent of downward convergence. Really fucking thick this one, dead posh, but weirdly thinks she’s a certain footballer’s wife. I’m not even lowering myself to say which one as the cunt would appreciate the recognition and she doesn’t deserve any. Fucking fantastic arse though. Freshly dead, I would.

Shalamanom, didn’t catch her name, oddly I quite liked this one, first possible contender. She’s going to be annoying, yes, but so long as she doesn’t turn into a berk, then she’s fine by me. Full of beans, I’d like to see just one of them.

By now the women are grouping. In the red corner, screeching totty, in the blue Tragic Tracey and Livid Lesley. She’s well unhappy, yeah?

In comes Emily, David Cameron with a fresh young vagina. If that chilled you as much as me, I will say no more. Apart from the fact that if she saw so much as a fibre of a quark of tissue on your lad, she’d disinfect the tyres on her range rover.

Laura I really liked, big fat Welsh girl. Sweet, likeable, funny, eating disorder, one of those fat trendy Beth Ditto types, sort of the perfect media ‘anti zero’ size. In my opinion she’s the clear winner so far, she’s marketable out the house and I can predict the rumblings of a media drive to keep her profile sweet. Despite being the size of a chest freezer she’s pretty. After 10 pints and a microdot I’d think about it.

Nicky, straight, boring, sad, has ‘issues’. She’s adopted by the way, little too much information from the producers there, are we meant to be sympathising because she has the personality of public toilet? It’s okay though because, according to Davina as she walked into the house, ‘If Nicky was an animal she’s be a cat so she can lie in the sun all day’. So that’s cleared that up then.

Lastly, Carole, the old one. She’s been on Greenham Common apparently, I think that may well have been as recently as an hour before she appeared on camera. She’s hairier than Oliver Reed and Alan Bates fighting in front of an open fire. Not sure what to make of her, she maternal but aggressive. Outside chance.

So, there you have it, all women so far, 11 of them, that’s 22 tits! One moan, the bloke that makes the ‘crowd’ signs, especially the one for the tool holding the pointy finger sign bearing the slogan ‘you ain’t seen me, right?’. Pass on your address and I’ll send someone round without a conscience.

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25 Responses to “Big Brother 8”

  1. Badger Madge Says:

    Totally agree with your thoughts on Shabnam and Laura. Those two are the best of a very bad bunch. Check out my ramblings from last night if you like…

  2. graham Says:

    Leaving aside your ‘comedy’ sexism, have you refused to learn the name of the Indian contestant just like the Goody mother did earlier this year?

  3. Swineshead Says:

    I like Nicky. She’ll turn out alright. The confused ones always do.

    Emily is abhorrent. As Badger madge said in her post, the ‘indie’ comment should make her a laughing stock. She thinks Razorlight is indie, bless her. What a twat.

    The worst thing about Charley is the fact she’s got that great body with the face of Keiron Richardson of Man U. Google the ugly bastard scumbag Man U ARSEHOLE. He’s like a ventriloquist’s puppet what’s warped.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Oh Christ – allegations of racism already?!
    And sexism too. Nice.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Comedy’ in inverted commas. That’s a new one.

  6. piqued Says:

    Graham, I caught the end of her name, I didn’t catch the name of the twins at all. I was trying to masturbate

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    So we’re pretending to despise Big Brother are we? Considering this appalling show garners an average of 7 million viewers from a population bordering on 70 million, that’s a shit-load of people pretending to depise it.

    The 90% of the UK populace that would prefer not to waste their time watching mentally-ill freaks getting drunk in a bungalow might take issue with your presumption.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Getting Drunk In a Bungalow’. They should rebrand it.

  9. piqued Says:

    Dear NP

    WOULD U PLEES STOP PTRETNEDING TO DESPIZ BB

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Fuck you! I’ll have you know I watched an exceedingly dull documentary about the Lombards then had a bath. I wouldn’t watch this garbage if I was paid to. Why would I? If I want to watch monkeys cavorting in cages I’ll go to a zoo, thank-you very much.

  11. piqued Says:

    Potty mouth…

    You have to pay to see monkeys in a zoo, and we all know you, Norbert Colon.

  12. graham Says:

    My middle class, left leaning tendancies are shocked at the merest hint that you would indulge in self abuse over images of minorities.

  13. Joe C Says:

    Does this mean Swinsehead isn’t going to write anything about last night’s Apprentice? It was the best episode yet, with the least deserved firing ever.

    I didn’t watch any BB, but I’m not even going to pretend to take the moral high ground. I just don’t like the first few weeks – I like it when it’s settled down a bit and people have stopped showing off and start revealing their true colours.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I’ll hav a go at the Apprentice tonight, you see if I don’t.

  15. piqued Says:

    Joe and Swinshead head sitting in a tree

    k

    i

    s

    s

    i

    n

    g

  16. Badger Madge Says:

    Yes I can’t wait for your thoughts on the Apprentice. Now there’s an episode from which to garner ‘comedy’ posts a plenty…

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It seems a bit odd you’re not posting a piece on The Apprentice on its regular day. Get it written you lazy shithouse.

  18. Clair Says:

    So, which one of you guys is going in on Friday, then?

  19. Grumbleweed Says:

    Long live sexism and racism, let hope for some good old fashioned buggery this series.

  20. proudfoot Says:

    I agree with Swineshead regarding Nicky. She’s is easily the most sane of them all. The rest are just jokes. Especially that Emily creature who apparently gave herself ten out of ten for intelligence. That alone tells me that actually she isn’t very clever at all. A point of view also backed up by her claim that ‘indie rock’ is a new thing. What a fool.

    I can see myself not watching much of this series. After all, how is it entertaining listening to a bunch of morons constantly talking absolute brainless shit about themselves? What’s wrong with this country?

    I hope the house explodes and they all die miserable, agonising deaths.

  21. piqued Says:

    Come on Proudfoot, Laura is the best by a fat country mile.

    I noticed, with regard to my comment in the blog that the media will keep her sweet, the producers are giving her a soapbox already.

  22. proudfoot Says:

    I will agree that Laura is slightly less annoying than most of the others Piqued, but she’s just too ‘I’m mad, I am’ for my liking. Plus I’m not a fan of Beth Ditto and Laura is just too damn reminiscent of her.
    To add to this, I doubt she has anything to say that I want to hear.

    All we’re really doing is trying to pick the best of a bad bunch anyway. Lets face it, they’re all awful, pointless specimens.

  23. piqued Says:

    I’d rather ‘I’m mad I am’ than, ‘Ows it goin’ *gurn* *strut* ‘Av it, wicked, bangin, that’s well phat’ *obscene grin*

    Tracy must have bollocks, surely

  24. proudfoot Says:

    Fair enough. Tracy clearly escaped from some secret facility for bewildered and burnt out rave mentalists somewhere.

    As appaling as she is though, at least she displays some evidence of individuality compared to most of the others who are simply drones.

  25. piqued Says:

    Hitler displayed sign of individuality in the early days too

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