Big Brother 8 – 3.6.07

by

Ziggy Turd 

Now Ziggy played git.

“Daddy’s home” announced Ziggy (‘music producer’ and ‘ex model’) to an entirely empty lobby. Self-consciously brushing over this hilarious display of backfired nonchalance, he entered the house. I reckon as soon as he was chosen for BB he spent endless nights thinking of what he was going to say when he first went in, he didn’t say anything when he entered the living room because he’d simply run out of ideas.

Ziggy (‘Ziggy’ for fucks sake, I bet he’s really called Colin) is a self-assured humourless prick. He has one of those prat haircuts, all highlights and product. He’s a toned, tall twat. If he liked himself any more, he’d be a permanent geyser of white-hot spunk. Ziggy has a tattoo – an ‘I’ll have that one’ tattoo from a parlour in Surbiton. We know he has a tattoo because he wears sleeveless t-shirts and points it toward whoever he’s talking at, the big butch tool.

As soon as he walked in, most of the housemates’ clothes fell off. At one point, Chantelle, the self styled Posh Spice look-alike with a brain the size of a marble and tits to match, stood in front of Ziggy in his t-shirt, coquettishly acquired a few minutes earlier and as far as I could glean, nothing else. The other protagonist of operation flap was Emily, David Cameron’s lolly, whose knees have decided to take a break from each other. Charley got her charlies out in the pool but as they’re made of rock hard glue it doesn’t count.

Speaking of Charley she’s shaping up to be the BB berk, one minute she’s abusing the Queen’s English in a diatribe of misdirected invective at whoever is within earshot and the next she’s crying, or at least pretending to do so. Her conversation, when she’s not objecting to the colour of air, is clubbin’ and Premiership footballers. She’s an unashamed namedropper, this was pointed out by Emily who was displaying the padded crutch on her knickers, Charley didn’t understand a word she’d said, so she got cross anyway.

My other bone of contention rests solely at the paws of Lesley. Lesley – the lantern jawed warthog – is a conniving, shit-stirring old battleaxe. The only person that rivals her at all for out-and-out selfishness is cyber-tits. She thinks very highly of herself and looks down on everyone else. Horrid, right down to her vulgar earrings. As soon as she opens her miserable pie-hole, someone is being patronised. She’s trying to control the group and to some degree, due to a combination of stupidity and cowardice, she’s winning. Hitler was just like that.

Tracy is a fucking mental, more volatile than a retard holding an M16; I really can’t stand this one. She’s in a league of her own. Putting aside the sound of her voice, an angle-grinder trying to burp, I’m still trying to work out how she fundamentally communicates. I can hear bits of English among her anachronistic rave twaddlings but her facial gestures have a lexical choice all of their own. She seems to permanently resemble an orangutan shitting out sprockets. Despite what I’ve said about the others, I hope she goes first as I am genuinely, genuinely afraid of seeing her naked. I’d rather examine Carol’s growler with a Maglite through an inserted toilet roll tube.

As for the rest, they seem largely okay, the okayist of that lot being fat Laura who’s not put a foot wrong by my high standards. I must admit, despite being prone to weeping without reason, I’m warming to hairy old Aunt Flo too, the political porcine that she is.

The other housemates seem to be just getting on with it, I’ve not heard a peep out of the dear little twins, bless their cotton lobotomies and I think Shabnam has absconded.

Still, I’m enjoying it thoroughly but as already mentioned, I’ll enjoy it a heck of a lot more when Tracey has gone back to her haystack.

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10 Responses to “Big Brother 8 – 3.6.07”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Emily’s terrible, but I did enjoy her pointing out the namedrop thing to Charley.

    Unfortunately I can’t like the silly bloody child because of her skinny jeans claim. She was wearing them waaaay before everyone else y’see? Like 3 years ago she wore them into her 6th form common room right and everyone was like, what the hell…? But now, since, like, a year, everyone’s wearing them? She’s a Hawley Arms wannabe berk and she needs to grow up a bit.

    Anyway, the house is a screeching mess and it needs to simmer.

  2. Rosszszsss Says:

    Emily invented the very concept of indie music and, indeed, was the first person EVER to wear skinny jeans. She probably accidentally tried on a small child’s trousers and then with her magical fashion brain realised that she could start a trend that soon even Kate Moss would be following slavishly.

    Much as she irritates me on a molecular level, she is just another a posh girl at Bristol University, and Endemol could have just dipped a net into the Bristol Uni SU and picked out anyone else there and they would have been pretty much identical to Emily. Which is kind of sad for her really.

    Tracey is a man. I reckon that’s going to be the ‘shock’ revelation next week, but it’s not much of a shock when she’s actually got a fucking ADAM’S APPLE is it.

    Laura and Carole are the obvious front runners for winning at the moment, and Charley will be booted out next.

    I hate ‘Ziggy’ (real name ‘Zac’ apparently). I HATE HIM.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    What the hell are skinny jeans? Is this some young thing eh? Are they like drainpipe jeans? I’ve not watched this show but I can probably guess this Emily girl isn’t old enough to have been swanning around in drainpipes listening to Madness records in the early 80s.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Skinny jeans are, as you guessed, the fashionable incarnation of drainpipes – tapered at the ankle. Pete Doherty wears them, y’see? As do all the Camden clones.

    So yes, they’ve been around since the dawn of denim but Emily seems to think she invented the look. The prick.

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Gor, I ‘ated drainpipe jeans. They were as bad as flared corduroy trousers – an item of clothing I was condemned to wear everyday between 1979 and 1982 because my mother bought a job-lot of differing sizes in a sale. Why do they keep bringing all this rubbish back? I went shopping the other day and all the girls looked like they came straight out of a Bananarama video.

    A disgrace!

  6. piqued Says:

    Emily is a young prat, but apart from being a berk she’s yet to rile me as much as the ones cited. This may have something to do with her crutch

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    She’s on a crutch? Doesn’t sound all that sexy. Broken legs …. phwoooooar!

  8. piqued Says:

    Crotch, crutch, its all knickers to me yeah

    You really should watch it NC, really. u shuld

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Balls to that! I’m not interested in the antics of the mentally unwell. It’s the same reason I don’t look through the windows of lunatic asylums for kicks. You people disgust me. If I ruled Britain (and don’t take it for granted that I won’t do) being caught watching Big Brother would result in a public flogging and a £40 fine.

    Think, for a moment, about the twisted fact that I would still allow it to be broadcast in my violent, despair-fuelled, totalitarian Britain I look forward to imposing on you all.

  10. proudfoot Says:

    I must say, I’m finding it very difficult to watch at the minute.
    This is mainly because, strange as it may seem, I like my limited television watching time to be a pleasurable or thought provoking experience, but all this shit is doing is winding me up. All I feel I am doing by watching this is observing a bunch of people I’d normally avoid at all costs talking the biggest pile of mundane shit ever. The joke is on us for tuning in all the time. I say it’s time to revolt and STOP FUCKING WATCHING IT!

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