Archive for June 5th, 2007

Watching The Seven Ages Of Rock, Drunk

June 5, 2007

Jonathan Rotten 

I’ve missed the first two episodes of this show because I work for a rock magazine and I’m pretty much rocked out come the weekend. However, because I couldn’t be bothered to change channels, I watched this one … and I watched it drunk. This is what I learned:

In 1976 or 1975 The Ramones or maybe The New York Dolls played some stuff that definitely wasn’t anything like Emerson, Lake, and Palmer and certainly had nothing to do with Yes, Genesis, Asia or Pink Floyd. Because The Ramones (or possibly The New York Dolls) did this some very angry people in England picked up their instruments and did something similar.

Meanwhile the lead singer of The Buzzcocks grew up to bear a striking resemblance to Stuart Maconie, Joe Strummer couldn’t sing live to save his life and Johnny Rotten was a rotter. And a bounder probably. Sid Vicious (the Happy Shopper Glen Matlock) replaced Glen Matlock (the Kwik Save Sid Vicious) and The Sex Pistols fell apart. This was either because a) They were rubbished in America or b) Their songs were rubbish after Glen left or c) They were just rubbish generally. Anyway. Because The Sex Pistols broke up, rock’s gates were left unguarded and waves of Goths, Ostrogoths, Visigoths, Lombards and Huns in the shape of Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, Visage, ABC, Ultravox and Dexy’s Midnight Runners overran the fortress and pissed all over the campfires. Metaphorically … ahem. This was a bad thing. To show what a bad thing this was the show concluded with Johnny Rotten’s rotten, rubbish, risible (awful) band Public Image – the worst band ever in the history of the world, even worse than Tin Machine or The Plastic Ono Band.

Most of the above either did or did not happen. Because the man who fronts The Buzzcocks looked so strikingly like Stuart Maconie I spent most of the show talking about Stuart Maconie to my other half. The discussion centred around ITV’s disgraceful decision to axe Collins and Maconie’s Movie Club. This show was infinitely preferable to watching YET ANOTHER FUCKING SHOW ABOUT ROCK MUSIC.