The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 11

by

Back off 

Tonight we learned that the humble CV can act as a window to a lorry-load of bullshit. In the penultimate episode of this series, we joined three of Alan Sugar’s most trusted business advisers. They were so important that I’ve forgotten their names. One was a sleazy slimeball with unkempt hair and a clear inferiority complex about his lack of a degree, one looked just like a permanently unimpressed Mark Heap and the other, a troubleshooter, was bald, firm and fair. The unenviable task of trawling through the resumes of the remaining five contestants fell to this funny-lookin’ crew.

During the recap we were reminded just how badly Tre had performed in the last task. In fact, it served to remind us that it’s a miracle Tre had got this far. How did he manage it? It certainly wasn’t charm, and his sense of humour isn’t the most apparent attribute he carries. The only answer can be ‘good TV’. He swore a lot and was sexist and we found it all terribly amusing. Quite sad when you think about it.
But there he was, in the last five with Katie, Simon, Lohit and Kristina.

Before the interviews took place, in the ‘half an hour’ in which they were getting ready (no idea why they pursue this idea of them hurrying to get ready when they’ve clearly got all morning to do so), we saw them discussing the research they’d done. Simon, an Amstrad owner since he was five, ruminated on the finer points of the games he had on one of Sugar’s systems (Jet Set Willy is, indeed, a classic) whilst Tre wandered around the house, stony-faced because he had done bugger all in the way of investigation. Digging around in Simon’s knowledge and getting nothing from him, Tre demonstrated that he really wasn’t going to get anywhere this time. ‘Wanker’, he called Simon, realising the game was up. ‘No, you’re the wanker’, replied Simon, wittily.

Simon, yet again, became a walking CV. ‘I like to think of myself as a freethinker’ he claimed. ‘If I’m meant to turn left, I’ll instinctively want to turn right’ he later claimed, making him sound like Princess Diana’s driver. His schoolboy charm was a winner though, and he knew it, talking nervously from under his brow. I noticed matching shirt and socks. Bizarrely, in any office this does mark a man as someone with coordination, which is odd, as aside from shirt and tie, it’s the only decision on colour a man in pinstripe would have to make. It’s not difficult.

On an unrelated note, I was shocked when I noticed Lohit’s full name for the first time. Lohit Kalburgi, it sounds like a Japanese car crossed with a dutch cheese.

In the interviews, it all came frothing to the top. All the crap that had been spoken was suddenly exposed, dredged and ultimately flushed away. What we learned was this. Tre is a bullshitter, Simon is a crap landlord and little else, Katie is a psychopath, Lohit is a little bit timid and Kristina is really, really bloody good. She really must win.

Tre was dissected, literally torn apart by the unkempt interviewer who wanted, not unfairly, to boil down the facts on Tre’s experience. In his own words, Tre was apparently an international business consultant with five job titles applicable to different roles. Under pressure, it was revealed that Tre worked in his father’s business, which somewhat undermined absolutely everything he’d ever bloody said all series. I’m sure, if my retired Dad were to set up a business selling lemonade from the front of his house he’d be happy to take me on board as a lemonade taster, and would be able to give me some vague and impressive-sounding job title like ‘FMCG Analyst’. Tre stuttered and ummed and aahed and could come back with nothing when asked if the five worldwide businesses he operated from were actually bedrooms. The interview became a post mortem, and Tre’s days were numbered. When asked, as a self-styled ‘computer-expert’ why he hadn’t done any research, even googled Sugar’s business, he blankly stared ahead and muttered weird little nothings.

Lohit, who appeared very little (both in terms of stature and screentime), was effectively told by the same interviewer that he was a nice guy, but not what was needed. Better to be honest, rather than waste someone’s time with a needless grilling I suppose. He didn’t manage to claim any points back with the other interviewers, and it all fell apart. Still, when he was eventually fired, he was given a nice send off. ‘You’re a good, fine fellow’, Sugar said, as he departed.

Katie scared the shit out of me. With the cold, hard stare of a genocidal maniac, she claimed that, out of ten, her CV displayed an eight on the ‘ruthlessness scale’. Considering she’d written (on her fucking CV) that she’d stolen a married man from his wife because she ‘wanted him’, I’d say she warrants a ten. What sort of mental freak would put that in a CV? And why, when it came to the boardroom, did they all say she had something special? Thankfully the Mark Heap lookalike chipped in with some negative comments but she was defended to the hilt by the sleazy sod, who clearly fancied her. Her interview with him was like the split beaver scene in Basic Instinct. He even looked a little bit like Newman out of Seinfeld.

Simon, having taken the mantle of comic contestant from Tre some time ago, teetered on the brink of triumph and disaster constantly, providing the show’s real entertainment. Without entering the room, his CV had already insulted the bald interviewer on age discrimination grounds. ‘I’ve achieved more than people double my age’ it asserted. ‘I’m more than double your age, and I’ve done more than you’, he countered, to silence and a little chuckle from the boy Ambrose. It came to light that Simon’s only real enterprise was as the landlord of a house. It was a piece of genius to bring out the testimonial of one of his tenants, who complained of television ariels being replaced by coat hangers and horrible blocked bogs. Again, Simon chuckled his endearing chuckle and took the flak, to his credit. Better to admit your failing than do a Tre and get bolshy (as such). On the positive side, he knew everything there was to know about Amstrad, thus fulfilling a very important criteria. If you know nothing about the company you’re looking to work for, it’s very unlikely you’ll fit in. Simon could identify areas where he’d excel, so he’s readymade for working there. Smart thinking.

But not as smart as Kristina. We’ve all known, since those sausages started sizzling in the week they went to France, that Kristina would be in the final. And she sailed through the interviews as though she were applying for a job in Tescos. No question rattled her, and the interviewers struggled to find fault.

The boardroom went weird. Tre and Lohit were easily disposed of. But then, against the wishes of every viewer and the basics of common sense, Katie was pronounced to be ‘in’. Despite the fact she was a body language car crash with the face of the Joker, she had wormed her way in, probably using some abrasive hypnosis. Which meant it was between Simon and Kristina. One had to go. Shocking, you would think, but then a twist. Sugar questioned Katie’s suitability for the role in terms of outside commitments. And she backed down. Whether it was Sugar’s lack of faith in her or her own priorities, she backed down and the final two were then decided. Very strange. I’m not sure what I make of the whole palaver, but I thoroughly bloody enjoyed it.

It’s between Kristina and Simon, and unless something goes horribly, horribly wrong for Kristina (ie, she chooses Katie and Tre to work with her), she should run away with it.

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44 Responses to “The Apprentice, Series 3, Episode 11”

  1. piqued Says:

    It was worth watching last night to see that cocky little cunt, Tre, getting his comeuppance, vile arrogant lying little fuck that he was. I’ve no idea how he survived as long as he did, awful little tool.

    As for Katie, I was hoping her departure would end in blood curdling violence. Instead it was a rather sedate affair. Disappointing, I don’t really care who wins now. It’ll probably be the Scottish one with the fake tan.

    Either way, I’m out.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    She’s Irish, isn’t she?

    ‘I’m out’ – wrong show, surely…

    The last one will be worth watching for the fact that all the firees will return for one last showdown, seeking either redemption or revenge… exciting.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Following the breaking of the siege of Jerusalem in 1099, the army of the Crusaders stormed the city and proceeded to slaughter the entire population – men, women, and children. They wallled up whole communities in mosques and synagogues and burnt ’em alive whilst singing hymns to the greater glory of God above the screams. They were, shall we say, ‘ruthless’.

    Of course, the above tale pales into insignificance when one examines the cold-blooded ruthlessness displayed by Katie as she ruthlessly bowed out of a game show because she wasn’t entirely sure if her mum and dad could look after her kids if she were to get a new job. Fuck me, that’s ruthless. A heartlessness worthy of comparison to the monstrous Henry VIII, I fancy.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    In context, a CV that states ‘I steal other women’s husbands’ can quite rightly be called ruthless, you petty turd.

    Dictionary definition – ‘without compassion’.

    It applies to both.

  5. Matt Says:

    I heard that Naomi has been seen working for Sugar, which is more grist for the mill that he’s just taking the piss and making a TV programme and doing his own thing with finding someone he thinks he can mould. The other two winners have since left anyway, so it makes a mockery of the whole concept.

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    There’s a difference in being ruthless (taking the decision to drown a sack of puppies, reducing Warsaw to rubble, strangling your own mother to death) and wanting to fuck someone else’s husband. Ruthlessness as a characteristic is the ability to perform a task without compassion, as you say – dressing up lust as ruthlessness is not the same thing at all. It is a retrospective description she used to excuse her actions … any ruthlessness she pretended to display was shown false the moment she took her family into consideration.

    I can spend all my life telling people I’m the lovliest man on the planet. It doesn’t actually make it true. Her faux ruthlessness was shown to be as real as Tre’s immense business experience – bluff ‘n’ mirrors.

    So fuck you.

  7. Matt Says:

    PS, surely he could have also co-ordinated his underwear?

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Sources!

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – fuck you back, you pithy tit.

    Matt – We didn’t see his pants, thankfully, so it’s irrelevant.

    Have we all been chewing pith all morning or what? What’s the world coming to?! I wonder why I bother, you msierable sods.

    *has crisis*

  10. piqued Says:

    ‘msierable sods’ ?

    EH?

    WOT DOS THAT MEEN?

  11. Swineshead Says:

    AAAARGH

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Merely pointing out your blind acceptance of a person’s own description of their personality, based on her own perspective on an incident we don’t actually know anything about. Still, I suppose we live in times where we and others around us apply grandiose, overblown terms to aspects of our personalities and behaviour that are ordinary and human.

    I shall desist.

    You legend, you.

  13. Joe C Says:

    Did anyone see Simon’s yellow socks? They matched his shirt. For some reason, I found this rather endearing and I’m now rooting for him to win. He’s all over the shop as well, and it would make a far more entertaining employee than the Teminator, sorry, I mean, Kristina. I think it was Sugar’s assistant Nick who said that the genius of Simon was that you could never be sure if he’d make you £5 million, or lose you the same amount. Personally, as Sugar gets older, I reckon he could do with a bit of chaos around the Amstrad building – keep him on his toes. Of course, this won’t happen – especially as the trailer I’ve seen for next week’s final, shows that Simon reunited Tre with Rory, the man who Tre told, “You mean nothing to me.” during a row. I can’t see them pulling together somehow, and Simon is destined to lose.

    Did anyone see the hard-faced ‘wegie bra woman on The Apprentice: You’re Fired show getting stuck into Katie? That was some top telly.

  14. Joe C Says:

    Sorry, just saw that the ever observant Swineshead did indeed notice matching shirt and socks on ol’ Simon. I do read what you write mate, honest.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    I despair, I really do.

    Napoleon – I seen ’em picturs in paper of kati doinsex on aman

  16. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Swineshead

    Clearly being a small village in rural Lincolnshire has sapped you of spirit. P’raps you should set your sights on developing into a town? Or even a small city to get your enthusiasm levels back up?

    You cock-eyed whoremonger

  17. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve already progressed from Burton Pedwardine, I’m not sure I’m ready for the next step.

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Not even a Sleaford? That’s the problem with today’s generation of young villages – no ambition. I was already Norwich before my 25th birthday and I’m now well on my way to being a fully-fledged metropolis. Pull your bloody foundations up and get out into the big wide world of urban planning, you slothful hamlet.

  19. Swineshead Says:

    Fully fledged metropolis? You’re more Milton Keynes than New York, you filthy non-town.

  20. piqued Says:

    Hey hey, okay guyz, time out yeah…

    *does T shaped thing with hands*

    Come on, why can’t we just get on, yeah. REMEBERS WOT JON LENONS SAYED

    I LOVE U GUYZERS

    *fondles Tre under the boardroom table*

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Damn your three houses and a phone box impudence! At least grow some grass on your bloody cul-de-sacs before you start revving up the wrecking-ball. Not even a medium-sized council estate and he thinks he’s Birmingham.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    At least I’ve got a working one way system, your grid system is a strategic nightmare. And make sure your streets are swept when you’re talking to me.

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    D’you think I’ve the time to worry about every aspect of urban management when I’ve a conference centre to build?

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Too many irons in the fire y’see?

    *wins*

  25. Nick Tttttttt Says:

    I will watch tonight but this stage is still the best.
    No EC?
    I’ve had to work all day, it’s been hell!!!!!!

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Easy on the punctuation there, Nick.

  27. piqued Says:

    Have you two stopped now?

    *puts hands on hips*

    *smiles fondly*

    Hey, group hug yeah, come on u guyz… Give me some sugar yeah

    *rapes Sir Alan*

  28. roxanne Says:

    For the record… It was not Simon but Lohit who’s CV stated that he’d achieved as much as many twice his age.
    I have an inkling that Sir Alan played Katie just as he wanted to in the board room; the only way he could really get a true answer about her integrity and commitment was to call her bluff. I suspect he may have achieved exactly the result he was looking for though it has to be said it albeit via a risky strategy.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Quite right Roxanne – I was pissed when I watched it as I’d been to my local to watch the England team play with a footballs. So sorry for stupid mistakes.

  30. piqued Says:

    This is from The Eevning Standard

    “The show was also at the centre of internet suggestions of a fix – that it had to be re-shot in the wake of Katie’s resignation.

    The opinion of bloggers was that Sir Alan was so angry his boardroom scenes had to be re-recorded. One said: “The Katie walk-out didn’t convince me at all. It looked like it was horribly staged and edited.””

  31. Swineshead Says:

    It’s impossible to call really, whether it was staged or not.
    Can’t we just be happy that Katy the RUTHLESS legend is gone?

  32. piqued Says:

    No, I mean yes… Oh I don’t know yeah

    (I’d like to have been given the chance to see Naomi’s front crack)

  33. Matt Says:

    How far behind is the show? Weeks or months?

    Alan’s a playah and he got plaaaaaaaaaayed.

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    Katie bowed out because she knew she couldn’t win against Kristina (or Simon). In a documentary the other week on BBC2 they all collared their main rivals and I think Katie said hers was Kristina. So as soon as she knew there’d be a chance of her going thru she knew she couldn’t win and so quit to save face. She could also leave knowing that she could smugly proclaim to have won anyway…

    There’s also a news piece about how she was a sub for Big Brother one year, so the woman obviously wants fame…

  35. piqued Says:

    Christ, can you imagine that big faced twit in the Big Brother house?

    They’d never let someone like that in, they always choose such nice and well rounded individuals

  36. valerie townsend Says:

    Can you really, REALLY believe that Katie had not made contingency plans to move to London? And to think of it in the middle of a tv show?? No-body goes to any job interview without knowing you could actually GET to the job – otherwise, you are wasting everybody’s time.
    My guess is she had already told Alan Sugar she wouldn’t be able to make the move – but they had to have “good television” so she and Sugar went throught that charade – after all, she is a great actress – and Sugar never normally tells anyone they are “in”- he just fires the one who is “out”.
    For a “reality” show the viewers were conned, I am sure.

  37. Swineshead Says:

    I think we’re all aware that ‘reality’ TV is no such thing. So much of the Apprentice is staged, it’s best appreciated as an amusing drama I reckon.

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s that getting up in the morning nonsense that drives me round the twist

  39. orbtastic Says:

    Don’t you like seeing men in their pants?

  40. Joe C Says:

    ‘Amusing drama’ – this is precisely how I see it SH. Which is why I will really miss Tre’s face on my tellybox. Despite being an unctuous cock, he was brilliant to watch. I hope he resurfaces somewhere soon. I’d like to see him as a judge on a late night edition of Dragon’s Den where he can swear as much as he likes. The fucking cunt.

  41. Jay Says:

    Excellent viewing, I just wish Katie’s departure was more exciting.

  42. piqued Says:

    Like how, NAKED, BEING INTERFERRED WITH, U PERVERTSZ

  43. alan sugar is a a twat Says:

    Im not sure about this whole cv episode it made me wonder why we should really care about Alan sugar its not like he is the pope or anything. The only thing that man has got going for him is self belief and arrogance, hardly the best role model

  44. piqued Says:

    “The only thing that man has got going for him is self belief and arrogance”

    That and billions of pounds

    (Isn’t self-belief a good thing btw?)

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