Britain’s Got Talent



The last piece I wrote was about that brainless talent competition, Let Me Entertain You. Bearing in mind that it’s now a year old, it occurred to me whilst watching ITV’s Britain’s Got Talent that the basic concept of the aformentioned show has been ‘alf inched by the latter and completely ponced up, with typical X-factor style feelgood editing between acts and a complete over-emphasis on the making and breaking of idiots’ dreams. Obviously there are bound to be certain similarities beteween them as they are both variety shows but the core element of Let Me Entertain You – the idea that audience members are able to get rid of acts they don’t like by pressing a button has been commandeered by Britain’s Got Talent – only this time the button-pressing responsibility lies with the three judges – Piers Morgan, Amanda Holden and Simon Cowell. In case the prospect of watching these three bollock-heads might not be off-putting enough, the whole bloody shambolic affair is hosted by everyone’s favourite pair of unctuous arse-munchers; Ant and Dec.

I’m going to overlook Ant and Dec on this occasion though, because they just do their usual thing and are once again just, well, Ant and Dec really. Love ’em or hate ’em.

As for Morgan and Holden, I can’t really work out what they are doing there. I suppose Holden’s role is simply to look pretty and be the ‘nice’ one. Quite what makes her an authority on what qualifies as talent though, I don’t know. In this respect the same can be said for Piers Morgan, but his presence on this show is slightly harder to suss. So far his only outstanding feature seems to be the ability to make small children cry and to be a kind of buttock-headed stepping stone in the middle ground between Amanda Holden’s wet approach and Cowell’s tiresome ‘Mr Nasty’ routine.

The other similarity between this tack-fest and Let Me Entertain You is that some of the same acts featured on the latter have also appeared on the aforementioned. Among these are the two sickening Sound Of Music girls mentioned in my last piece, and a bloke who jumps through hoops festooned with blades. Now call me morbid, but all I want to see when a person jumps through such a hoop of doom is for said hoop-jumper to be either severely injured or just plain minced.

As you’d expect, there is the usual parade of freakery on display here, with performers and their precious performances ranging from fucking disgraceful, to bloody awful, to just plain shit, or painfully bland, with a handful of acts each episode who are geniunely pretty talented. Britain’s Got Talent is for various reasons (which I have figured out but can’t be arsed to go into) a lot more relaxed than the X-factor and is consequently allowing crap acts to slip through the heats for sentimentality’s sake. To be honest though, this whole thing just feels like I’m watching the Cowell enjoy a working holiday.

So far I have seen some dick-wipe getting a standing ovation for his thoughtful and sophisticated performance of making a hand puppet in the form of a monkey gyrate to the child-seducing rhythms of Michael Jackson’s music, a knife throwing act almost ending in bloodshed after the trembling blade man unintentionally almost perforated his reckless lady-assistant with a series of poorly aimed shots, a pig that couldn’t play the piano and a boy whose only talent was to cup his ears with his hands and manipulate the suction between them to create a kind of muffled squelching sound.

So while there are plenty of morons on display here, the ritual humiliation that is a prerequisite for all Cowell productions just doesn’t cross over as effectively in this show. There is nothing, it seems, quite like seeing misguided cretins with no self-awareness publically destroy themselves while butchering a song.

In this respect it is not as amusing as the early rounds of the X-factor, but I have a feeling that the later rounds of BGT will not be quite so infuriating and intolerable either, meaning that instead of turning off when it starts getting serious (as most civilized folk do with the X-factor), the majority of viewers watching now will probably stick it out til the bitter end. (Myself not included, mind).

The winner of this orgy of tools gets ten grand and a slot at The Royal Variety Performance to mince about for Her Majesty’s pleasure, though if she’s been watching this bog-fodder, I imagine the Queen is already trying to think of ways to get out of having to attend. Personally, I’m not prepared to rule out her suicide at this point.

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18 Responses to “Britain’s Got Talent”

  1. piqued Says:

    Amanda Holden looks like ‘shrunken ‘Ed’, the best Garbage Pail Kid ever

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Speaking of which:

    Online archive of Garbage Pail Kids… I used to love those cards. But not the gum, the gum tasted bad.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Last night I watched a bit of Britain’s Got Talent right after watching Big Brother. Shabnam was on both.

    In BGT she was being humiliated in front of hundreds of people – the footage must have been filmed a few months ago. So she’s progressed from embarrassing herself in front of hundreds to millions. Gawd bless ‘er.


  4. Rosszszsss Says:

    What was she doing on it?

  5. Swineshead Says:

    When asked what her act was she told Cowell she was a TV Presenter / TV Personality, and then she kind of tried to present the show.

    ‘Hello! And welcome to Britain’s got talent, etc…. Hello to Simon Cowell etc… something about a chimpanzee etc…’

    Buzzed off in seconds and roundly booed.

  6. proudfoot Says:

    How did I miss that?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    It’ll be on youtube soon, n’doubt.

  8. proudfoot Says:

    It’s a shame ‘Shabs’ didn’t make it through to the final.
    Sounds like her act would’ve gone down a storm in the royal box…

  9. piqued Says:

    Did you see Shabs ‘jogging’ on BB last night…

    She moved like she was recovery from a triple bypass operation with a fanny full of drawing pins

    Also, she has a permanent expression on her face as if the odour still lingers from a stale dirty sanchez

    She’s mental

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I quite like her, oddly enough.

  11. Joe C Says:

    I’ve been trying to post a comment on here all day but it won’t let me.

    Swineshead, have I been banned for liking ‘BGT’?

    No idea why I’m posting this – it won’t work.

    You’re all cunts, and not fit to wipe the arse of the majestic Brooker.

    (In case it does work this time – I love you all really)

  12. Joe C Says:

    Oh surprise surprise – it’s working.

    Muy original post was shite anyway. Looking forward to The Apprentice final tonight. If Kristina doesn’t win, I will eat my own arm.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Thought it might look like it, I haven’t seen any comments from you today other than this one matey.

  14. Joe C Says:

    Oh surprise surprise – it’s working.

    My original post was shite anyway. Looking forward to The Apprentice final tonight. If Kristina doesn’t win, I will eat my own arm.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    She has to really.
    Weird thing is, apparently they work for Sralan for 6 weeks (or even months) before they film the final, so the final is based on things other than the final task. Seems a bit stupid to me.

    YES – ‘stupid’.

  16. clair Says:

    I predict a long and fruitful career for the woman who sets an angle-grinder on her metal-clad crotch. And no kids.

  17. Nurit Hailey Says:

    when they say it’s ove. Nurit Hailey.

  18. Gautam Asaf Says:

    you had me suicidal, suicida. Gautam Asaf.

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