Thank fuck for that – Rome‘s back. This episode kicked off straight after the events of the final episode of the first series and, for the uninitiated, here’s the lowdown on the runners ‘n’ riders:
Lucius Vorenus – Local politician. Tried hard to be the family man, found out his wife had been carrying on with her sister’s brother, tried killing her with a big knife, she jumped out of the window and died.
Titus Pullo – Big violent bastard. Killed loads of people last time around, ended up as a gladiator, killed more people, fucked loads of women, killed more people, fell in love with a slave-girl, found out she was carrying on with someone else, killed him.
Julius Caesar – General/Dictator. Subjugated the Gauls, had Vercingetorix strangled in the Forum, got up to political shenanigans, had epilepsy and worried about baldness, fucked shrivelled-up hag Servilla, pissed her off, got murdered by her son and his mates.
Mark Anthony – Caesar’s mate. Fucked (well … raped) anything that moved, killed people, machinated, fucked Caesar’s neice Atia, smirked a lot, shagged random peasant girl against tree in front of whole waiting Roman army.
Atia – Tits-out MILF sex bitch. Plotted to gain favour for her son Octavian, offered up her daughter to become sex play-thing of Pompey, became sex play-thing herself of Mark Anthony, was given gift of black man with enormous penis, enjoyed penises in general, a sex version of Nadia Sawahla.
Servilla – Lesboid shitbag uber-bag hag. Fucked Caesar, fucked Atia’s daughter, got shunned by Caesar, plotted against Caesar, convinced her son Brutus to kill Caesar, dabbled in Roman equivalent of voodoo, not even a GILF.
Octavian – Caesar’s nephew and Man Who Would Be King. Struck up unlikely friendship with Titus Pullo, helped Titus murder Vorenus’s wife’s sister’s ‘usband, shagged his first woman in a brothel on the insistance of his mother (MILF extraordinaire Atia), witnessed Caesar having a fit.
Octavia – Atia’s crappy daughter. Told to become plaything of Pompey, became lesboid plaything of hag un-GILF Servilla, not at all ‘sporty’ considering what her mother gets up to between the sheets.
So there you go. This episode showed the aftermath of Caesar’s and Vorenus’s wife’s deaths. All manner of stuff happened. In one scene Anthony, randy as a bull, woke to find Atia changing into her funeral garb for Caesar’s funeral and demanded a fuck out of her. Atia told him to behave himself, so:
“I’m not getting out of this bed until I’ve had a fuck,” replies Anthony, grabbing his balls.
“Oh for …” says Atia. She turns to one of her servants and says, “Go and fetch that German slut from the kitchens.”
Later we see said German slut, starkers and breathing heavily, as Anthony dresses for the funeral with a big smirk on his face. I don’t think the German girl had a choice in the matter. But then, on Anthony’s previous form, most women don’t seem to get a choice in the matter (and women think they ‘ave it hard nowadays).
Meanwhile Vorenus, who has cursed his kids for not telling him about his wife carrying on with her sister’s brother, discovers they’ve been taken prisoner by a local money-lender. With Titus (who’s now married to the aforementioned slave-girl whose t’other half he beat to death in series one) in tow, he tracks the money-lender down, kills every man, woman, and child in the money-lender’s tavern, then corners the money-lender.
“Where’s my fucking kids?” he roars (or words to that effect), covered from head-to-toe in blood.
“I took them in payment for your many slights against me,” replies the money-lender, “I fucked ’em, killed ’em, and threw their bodies in the river.”
At which point Vorenus, failing to see the funny side, cuts off the money-lender’s head.
Loads of other stuff happened during the course of the show involving politics, funerals, the validity of Caesar’s will, Roman stuff and what-have-you. I imagine the gratuitous tit-shot/brutal violence ratio will be ramped-up as the weeks roll on (it did last time, so fingers crossed). I fucking love this programme. Rome … seig heil!