Princess Diana Memorial Concert

by

Nazi 

Halfway into Re-Animator, the 80s gorefest about a Victor Frankenstein type who injects a dead cat, then perished humans with his life-giving serum, the fucking DVD froze as all borrowed DVDs seem to do these days. Kicking my DVD player into oblivion with my karate feet, I decided to watch TV instead, as hyper-violent reanimated corpses were now officially off the menu.

CURSES.

I made my way over to good old BBC1 for an evening of quiet, pre-return to work programming, or so I hoped. Songs of Praise, Last of the Summer Wine, Antiques Roadshow – the perfect antidote to a weekend’s boozing and a pair of lungs that were inside out after Friday’s last ditch attempt to cram in as many carcinogens as possible before the smoking ban kicked in.

But the whole of the BBC’s schedule had been riddled with the kind of sentimental old shit that makes any right-thinking person want to kill. The Princess Diana Memorial Concert was in full swing. Shit.

When I switched over, Nelly Furtado was whining along to her tit-hits, all of which seemed to be in horrible minor keys and involved her bleating like a lamb caught in a snare. Her drummer’s kit was ridiculously massive and my shock at the stickman’s arrogance at least took my mind off the winsome crap the popular artist was banging on about. To make matters worse, William and Harry were bopping along with no real sense of timing, frugging away like the posh morons they are.

After dry-retching myself into a catatonic state, I was privy to Jamie ‘Coke-Fiend’ Theakston and Fearne ‘Argh’ Cotton attempting to provide filler in what was the worst constructed live extravaganza I think I’ve ever seen. Fashion-photographers and ex-toilet roll caddies lined up to say how nice Diana was to the black kids in far flung places who’d had their lips blown off by an angry landmine. They talked for an eternity about that ‘winning smile’, which to me seemed more like a sort of guilty-looking squint.

All this did was serve to show how cunning Lady Die was in her role as an insane self-PR machine. Sick of the sight of her after 10 minutes, it was like 1997 all over again. Harry, who recently outed himself as the kind of mong who finds Nazi regalia a fitting costume for a night out, mucked about with some African children whilst mugging for the cameras. Nice to see Mum’s self-celebration (and hypocrisy) has rubbed off on the little shit.

Later we had Jason Donovan and some curly goon what won Joseph singing ‘Any Dream Will Do’, joined by Donny the Osmond for a rousing chorus to the bewilderment of everyone watching. The relevance was lost on me.

Through streams of hateful tears I changed channel whilst swearing profusely out of an open window. Plucking up the courage to give it one last shot, I switched back later on. Sarah Brightman and a berk were twittering along to Phantom of the Opera as I broke every item of glassware in the house with my bare teeth. For me, this was the end, for if I subjected myself to John Elton and his old Joanna grinding out Candle in the Wind for the bazillionth time I might well have crushed next door’s cat in a fury and set fire to the entire terrace with maniacal abandon. Thankfully, I found the on/standby button and simmered for a bit.

On the news this morning, Harry was quoted as saying that the concert was a fitting tribute to his mother. The sprawling mess of an event was contradictory, cloying, confused, irritating and had had way too much money thrown at it. So for once, His Royal Highness was right. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.

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19 Responses to “Princess Diana Memorial Concert”

  1. piqued Says:

    I saw a split second of Wills, the rapidly balding inbreed with the hamster teeth, self-consciously ‘dancing’ to Duran Duran whilst simultaneously feigning a laugh following a ‘really great joke’ with an arse-licking servant of his.

    It was so toe-curling I nearly pushed my thumb through the remote trying to turn over.

    His mother was a self-seeking cunt, that’s how I for one would like to remember her.

  2. Matt Says:

    Apparently P-Diddy was a cunt. Well is, but more of a cunt than usual.

  3. piqued Says:

    Apparenty Ricky Gervais made a tool of himself

  4. Badger Madge Says:

    Yep, he had to fill 8 minutes because Elton wasn’t ready to perform and so did his stupid dance. You could see the self-pity in his eyes…

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Christ almighty… what was he even doing there?

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I got as far as Lilly Allen, decided she looked like a transvestite crossed with a monkey crossed with ET, and stuck on Where Eagles Dare instead. I wish Clint Eastwood and Richard Burton would shoot Lilly Allen in the head dressed as Nazis like wot Harry likes wearing.

    And yes I would give Harry’s missus one … not that she’d let me.

  7. piqued Says:

    She would NP

    She bloody well would, she’s like Harry’s mum, a bloody ner-do-well TART

    Hey guys, right. You know she was called the Princess of Hearts, right. I think she should have been called the Princess of Farts, really smelly ones ahahahahahahahahahahahahjlasnkf

    Guyz

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Like it, like it. I’m on your side ‘ere … Princess of Farts … I’m telling EVERYONE that. Fucking everyone.

  9. Joe C Says:

    Fearne Cotton must be inhumanely culled before she has the chance to breed and make more of her. I feel bad for singling her out, as there were many who should fall on their swords for their involvement in the broadcast of this shitfest, but she really takes the biscuit. I can remember Charlie Brooker once said of Kate Thornton that her presenting style was as ineffectual as a “kitten’s fart” – well, if that’s the case, Cotton really must be a woodlouse’s guff. She doesn’t even ask questions, just strings together meaningless streams of noises and woo’s and other stuff and hopes the people she is engaged with will say something back. During her chat with the bloke who won Joseph and the lady who won Sound of Music, I forward rolled out of the window of my flat, falling 87 floors to my death. It was for the best.

    And poor old Ricky Gervais. Faced with a crowd of 63,000 morons all baying for him to do the dance, he succumbed to their collective will. Perhaps he was hoping for a knighthood? I’m pretty sure he’ll get one now. I cringed so hard I broke my shoulders. I think he’s blown it now. But like SH said – what the fuck was he doing there in the first place?

  10. Clair Says:

    Dear Ricky Gervais of Hampstead,

    As us stand-ups know, never go out in public with any less than five minutes of material. Otherwise you end up looking like shite.

    Yours,

    CW (three gigs to her name, but I’ve done a course, you know)

  11. Hun Says:

    shut up all ov u u bunch ov harsh wankers!!!!!!!!!!! Do u have no respect! at least none ov u will be remembered!

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I will be Hun. Once the police discover Peter Sutcliffe’s an innocent man, they’ll be beating a path to my door.

  13. doggy dogg Says:

    yo wtf is wrong wit u nelly sounded reallt gud and why r u sayin all this shit bout everyone wanna talk shit talk shit bout how shity ur life is lol

  14. piqued Says:

    Thank you doggy, a succint and I think very well made point. So, lets bat this around, why really r we sayin all this shit bout everyone, why really do we wanna talk shit talk shit bout how shity life is?

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Doggy Dog, eh? Does that imply you spend half your life licking your own anus and the other half eating faeces you find in the underbrush? I’d be inclined to ignore the comments of an animal who’s put on this earth to chase twigs about. Bad boy! In your bed!

  16. Nelson Says:

    How do you get these mooing retards to comment on your blog? It’s all I’ve ever wanted to annoy these sort of people. I want their illiterate arsepiss in my comments. I want to imagine their tears of frustration as they struggle to articulate the vortex of rage and confusion that consumes their tiny woollen brains.

    Instead I get a load of fucking liberal leftie cunts agreeing with me.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Where’s your blog, Nelson? I’d like to have a gander…

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Oh. I’ve found it. I’ll have a read.

  19. Laser Marking Devices Says:

    i love classic operatic arias and Phantom Of The Opera is one of the best musical ;.;

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