The Wright Stuff

by

 Wright Stuff

If you’re a dole-scrounger, old, mad, or one of those fools who work from home, you need to keep yourself entertained during the day before the real human beings get home from a hard day’s work. May I recommend you start your pointless day with The Wright Stuff – Channel 5’s flagship 9 O’clock current affairs show for morons, drug-addicts, cunts and kiddie-diddlers hosted by jug-eared, Croydon-obsessed, big-nosed, flappy-mouthed, pig-eyed FREAK Matthew ‘CroydonCroydonCroydonCroydonI’mFromCroydon’ Wright?

For those of you who aren’t untermenschen and therefore haven’t seen it the show’s format, it goes a little like this:

(OPENING CREDITS – CUE MATTHEW WRIGHT LOOKING SMUG)

9:00 Hello! Welcome to today’s Wright Stuff with me – Croydon’s own Matthew Wright!

9:05 Here’s the dreadful, wide-mouthed, arrogant fishwife Lowri Turner … and here’s spiteful, boorish, pointless Fame Academy ‘Headmaster’ Richard A-Blahblahblah. And today’s special guest is … big-titted, completely insane, ex-sexy not-that-sexy-then definitely-not-sexy-now McFadden’s-had-his-way-with-her-and-she’s-full-of-Iceland-pasties … Kerry EricCantona!

9:10
Lowri? What’s in the papers?

9:11 Spittle spittle I’m a woman motherhood spit spittle goff spittle motherhood woman no no no spittle

9:14 Richard?

9:15 It’s a disgrace!

9:!! Kerry?

9:%% Brassy breezy northern northern … B-B-B-B-BRRRIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAN! WHHHHHHHHYY?

9:£6 (7)
Did I happen to mention I’m from Croydon? Coming up after the break I talk to ‘Dr’ Gillian Makeeeef about shitting …

(ADVERTISEMENT BREAK)

!0:00 HI! Croydon! So, Gillian, what are we talking about today?

10:0K Well Matthew, today we’re talking about the ‘S’ word …

10:89 Croydon?

10:88 Huh?

10:87 Croydon?

10:86 Shitting vaginas are funny old things Matthew …
BLAST OFF!! They certainly are Gillian, snarf snarf … let’s go to the phones. Corin, who’s there?

10:24 This is Mary from Brighton (calls cost 10p, mobiles may vary, all calls will be charged but most won’t be answered)

10:25: Mary? You’re on

10:”7: Mumble mumble mumble pointless public opinion etc

10.30: Thanks Mary! That’s all we’ve got time … so tomorrow … MP BORIS JOHNSON!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUD WILDLY – CUE CRAPPY CLOSING TITLES)

It’s a great show.

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21 Responses to “The Wright Stuff”

  1. piqued Says:

    Absolutely true, he performs on stage with Hawkwind

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Eh?

  3. piqued Says:

    http://www.wrighton.tv/hawkwind.htm

    really.

  4. Clair Says:

    Can we also say ‘the homophobic Lowri Turner’?
    http://icwales.icnetwork.co.uk/0100news/columnists/tm_objectid=16632855%26method=full%26siteid=50082-name_page.html

    And that Wright smiles far too much. If he was announcing the death of 500 cancer-ridden orphans in a blaze on a trip to Disneyland, he’d still have that fucking smile on his face.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    I like Matthew Wright. He’s quite liberal for a daytime presenter who talks politics. And he can be amusing.

    I can’t forgive the gurning face though, it reminds me of this:

  6. proudfoot Says:

    I also think Wrighty is alright even though he does look like the bastard lovechild of Tony Blackburn.

    I have to agree about Lowri Turner though. She’s a bona-fide cuckoo-brained, malfunction-tongued cretin and no mistake.

  7. piqued Says:

    Lowry Turner looks as if she has been brushed by the contrite hand of Downs.

    That whopping great tongue seems to rest way too easy inside her lower lip…

    (if she was on stage with Hawkwind like Wright, I’d let her off of course)

  8. Badger Madge Says:

    Wasn’t the Wright Stuff the show that [wrongly m’lud] ‘outed’ John Leslie?

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Do you know what? I believe it was…

    It’s mentioned here:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wright_Stuff

  10. Andrew Collins Says:

    I was on the Wright Stuff once. They never asked me back. I couldn’t belive how small the audience was. There are about eight of these nutters, who seem to turn up every day. The studio is in a shopping centre in Bayswater.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    They do get some classy guests, don’t they? Dave Gorman was on it for a while too…

    Talking of appearing on daytime TV, this is probably the right time for me to remind everyone of the tired fact that I was once in the studio of audience of the Vanessa show, in Norwich, before she was ousted for using actors as guests.

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Wright gets some good guests … sadly you have to wade through the Anne Diamonds, Lowri Turners, Ed Vaseys, Nick Ferrarris and Myleeeeen Klasses to get to ’em. Gorman turns up from time to time and the show briefly becomes watchable … mind you, I don’t know why I’m moaning – I watch it every single day of my life – that harridan Turner or not.

    Gor I ‘ates Lowri Turner.

  13. piqued Says:

    Dear SH, I hate Vanessa Feltch more than Chris Moyles arsehole boils

    I’m upset you didn’t try and rub her out, frankly, disappointed, even

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Alright, I admit I rubbed one out.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    And NP – you’re complaining about wading through Myleene Klass?

    What’s got into you?

  16. piqued Says:

    Lowri has, like an anal dildo make from a frozen plop

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Seen the size of ‘er recently?

  18. piqued Says:

    jUST ROLL HER IN FLOUR TO FIND THE WET BITS, bOBS YOUR UNCLEs

  19. Mike Mills Says:

    On this mornings programme it was mentined women are having to wait eigteen months for breast cancer treatment. I have a psychological health problem and have been waiting to get some help for 18 years what do you think about that?

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Mike

    Thought about cheering up?

    (Ooooo that’s going to land me in the shit)

  21. robby Says:

    Dont have time to watch it myself but it sure sounds like a lot of people do and then have more time to discuss it on this site. It cant be that bad can it?

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