If you’re a dole-scrounger, old, mad, or one of those fools who work from home, you need to keep yourself entertained during the day before the real human beings get home from a hard day’s work. May I recommend you start your pointless day with The Wright Stuff – Channel 5’s flagship 9 O’clock current affairs show for morons, drug-addicts, cunts and kiddie-diddlers hosted by jug-eared, Croydon-obsessed, big-nosed, flappy-mouthed, pig-eyed FREAK Matthew ‘CroydonCroydonCroydonCroydonI’mFromCroydon’ Wright?
For those of you who aren’t untermenschen and therefore haven’t seen it the show’s format, it goes a little like this:
(OPENING CREDITS – CUE MATTHEW WRIGHT LOOKING SMUG)
9:00 Hello! Welcome to today’s Wright Stuff with me – Croydon’s own Matthew Wright!
9:05 Here’s the dreadful, wide-mouthed, arrogant fishwife Lowri Turner … and here’s spiteful, boorish, pointless Fame Academy ‘Headmaster’ Richard A-Blahblahblah. And today’s special guest is … big-titted, completely insane, ex-sexy not-that-sexy-then definitely-not-sexy-now McFadden’s-had-his-way-with-her-and-she’s-full-of-Iceland-pasties … Kerry EricCantona!
9:10 Lowri? What’s in the papers?
9:11 Spittle spittle I’m a woman motherhood spit spittle goff spittle motherhood woman no no no spittle
9:15 It’s a disgrace!
9:%% Brassy breezy northern northern … B-B-B-B-BRRRIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAN! WHHHHHHHHYY?
9:£6 (7) Did I happen to mention I’m from Croydon? Coming up after the break I talk to ‘Dr’ Gillian Makeeeef about shitting …
!0:00 HI! Croydon! So, Gillian, what are we talking about today?
10:0K Well Matthew, today we’re talking about the ‘S’ word …
10:86 Shitting vaginas are funny old things Matthew …
BLAST OFF!! They certainly are Gillian, snarf snarf … let’s go to the phones. Corin, who’s there?
10:24 This is Mary from Brighton (calls cost 10p, mobiles may vary, all calls will be charged but most won’t be answered)
10:25: Mary? You’re on
10:”7: Mumble mumble mumble pointless public opinion etc
10.30: Thanks Mary! That’s all we’ve got time … so tomorrow … MP BORIS JOHNSON!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUD WILDLY – CUE CRAPPY CLOSING TITLES)
It’s a great show.