Eastenders

by

 Li

Well done Mickey, you’ve managed to get rid of the only desirable cast member with your idiotic talk of marriage. She also sold knocked off DVDs and grew skunk in the larder. The perfect woman. Alright, she couldn’t act for toffee, but who really cares? Ian Beale’s got away without an equity card for his entire life, so it needn’t stop anyone.

How could you foul it up? I suspect, on Li’s part, the commitment issue was probably just a ruse to escape that incessant squeaking you subject people to. I’m of the opinion that young Mickey was starved as a child and was forced to swallow a pet guinea pig whole. Lodged in his oesaphagus, it lives off stray flakes from the bacon baps he buys from Cathy’s caff, intercepting any signal from his voicebox with a shrill squeak. It’s the only explanation.

Yesterday’s ‘enders was one in an occasional series of ‘comic’ episodes – that is to say nobody got savaged by a stray dog, not one child got maimed by Charlie’s 20 mph cab and nobody fell off the top of a helter skelter. Instead we had Stella trying to sing Barbie Girl over that peripheral fat character’s karaoke machine. Where did that chubby mate of Shirley’s come from? It’s as if Oliver Hardy’s corpse, reanimated, had a shave and bumbled into Elstree studios. We also saw Phil, on his stag night, treated to a stripper whilst wearing a really rather far out looking hat, man. On top of all this hilarity, Minty chased a sheep through the Square.

Obviously we needed a bit of misery now that the mental doctor’s defected, so we also had a dribble of the Max and Stacey affair. Max shouted a message through Stacey’s letterbox. I’ve never seen a more alarming sight than the bulging eyes of the red haired lightbulb head peering through a mail slit. It would give any normal girl nightmares for weeks, but for Stace it was simply a reminder of a great bunk up. If anyone  can think of a more perverse love triangle (only involving human adults) I’ll doff my cap to them.

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11 Responses to “Eastenders”

  1. Proudfoot Says:

    Apparently there’s a storyline coming up where Peggy Mitchell and Big Maureen get it on.

    PHWOOAARRRR, PPHHHWWOOOAARR, PPPHHWWOOAARR !!!!!!

    *Testicles burst*

  2. Swineshead Says:

    That can’t be true.
    Is that true?

    Is it?

    Is it true?

    *sets video*

  3. piqued Says:

    I’ve not seen Eastenders since Bobby Ewing was caught muthering Harold Bishop

  4. Joe C Says:

    It was Bradley’s fault Li buggered off – he mentioned the ‘M’ word in her presence – the earnest, ruddy-cheeked bastard with his old fashioned values and irritating habit of smirking after every utterance from his smear of a gob.

    I was hoping Darren Miller would be back by the time Li’s crop was ready, so she could bully him into knocking out £10 bags of skunk on the market. Wee Darren’s rise from Phil Daniels’ car washer to drug overlord was a storyline I was looking forward to watching unfold. Damn you Bradley…

    Plus, an injection of superstrength mong weed is exactly what the Square needs. It would certainly set it apart from all the other soaps where drugs barely get a mention. Coronation Street have yet to exploit Craig Charles’s role as cab driver to requiste effect.

    And your description of Max’s lightbulb head made me chuckle. It is shaped exactly like one.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    If I had to punch one of them squarely in the face (and I’m not a violent man) I’d choose Mickey out of him and Bradders.

  6. piqued Says:

    That nasty Nick, ooh he’s a right old cunt isn’t he, TAKE YOUR HANDS OF KYLIE

  7. piqued Says:

    I meant ‘off kylie’ not ‘of Kylie’ as the latter implies that nasty Nick has the hands of Kylie

    NO 1 HAS HER HANDZ OR FANNI AND THANK GOD HER TITTZ STILL I LUV U KYLIE

  8. Joe C Says:

    Yeah, I’d probably whack Micky too. Right in the Adam’s Apple with a nice karate chop. Then roundhouse him in the side of the head. Knee him in the goolies. Poke him in the eyes with a jabby double finger combo. And then get out some nunchucks and whistle for my ninja posse and we’d all get to work on the mulleted cock.

    Not that I’m a violent man either.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Yes you are – you just said how you’d hurt Mickey.

  10. Joe C Says:

    I wasn’t me. A colleague just overpowered me in order to type in that stream of violence. Here he comes aga…

    *struggle ensues*
    *Joe bites off colleague’s nose*

    Done him. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I am NOT VIOLENT. If you say I am again Swinseshead I’ll kick your cock off.

  11. proudfoot Says:

    I can’t wait for that storyline when Ian Beale gets sent to prison for rummaging through the pants of all the squares children, and when Pat Butcher is caught feasting on the carcass of Phil Mitchell and it is revealed that she has in actual fact, been a cannibal all this time.

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