The Queen



I’m reviewing Her. Not the film, Her. The DVD arrived in the post and kept skipping, so I’ve no other choice.

From the day she was born to the present, the Queen has sat about on her crown jewels doing absolutely fucking nothing.

The ‘oh she works very hard’ crap that gets bandied about is unacceptable. She signs a few things if she’s not in bed moaning about her fucking dogs or racehorses, and everything else is done by advisors or servants. She doesn’t lift a finger about the house, she neither cooks nor cleans, she doesn’t know what ‘washing up’ means and I bet she leaves big poos in her solid gold chod bin without flushing.

My grandfather turned 100 last month. Amid all the celebrations someone appeared with a telegram from Her Royal Scrotness. It featured a dour fizzog picture of my shit don’t stink Highness, a printed load of drivel which can be boiled down to ‘yeah, you’re 100 which is okay by me’ and a signature which I doubt was hers anyway and looked more like ‘Easynow’ than ‘Elizabeth’.

I was dead unimpressed, here is a man that has seen two world wars, fought in one, has clawed his way up from abject poverty to hosting glittering soirees for prime ministers and heads of state, is the patriarch of an enormous and for the most part, happy family and all he gets is a half-baked tag from a person who can’t make fucking toast.

Let’s face it; the Queen is a miserable old cow (married to fucking alcoholic racist with genuinely inbred offspring. Come on, those ears don’t come from a rational gene pool) and recently poor Annie Leibowitz copped her ‘one is not amused’ in the face.

She was only trying to take a portrait photo of the gem-encrusted slattern. Oh, fuck me, the work required to sit around on ones Royal freckle and look holier than thou, the German tool. Anyway, because she had to appoint servant #45 for the state opening of a tin of Ceaser for Aloisius the 3rd, her fave Corgi of all time, she got all shirty with Annie due to the unbearable pressure of having to do two things in the same week.

Basically, Leibovitz told the Queen she will look better without her tiara because “the Garter robe is so…” Before she can say “extraordinary”, the Queen replies, pointing to what she is wearing: “Less dressy. What do you think this is?” And then fucked off out it muttering “I’m not changing anything. I’ve had enough dressing like this, thank you very much.” What? Had enough of not wearing your tiara?

If I’d been Annie I’d have said ‘sorry, are you fucking talking to me?’ and kicked her Royal Highness in cunt for being sarky. Uncannily, this is just the sort of behaviour that midget red-faced Princess Elton John would carry out. I mean at least he gave us ‘rocket man’, apart from organising Diana’s execution what has that Royal git ever done for anyone?

What is more is we, the public, pay for her upkeep. It’s a fucking disgrace.

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11 Responses to “The Queen”

  1. Dominic Harvey Says:

    Not to detract from your fine summary of the Queen, but Annie Leibovitz is a bit of a cunt too. I quite like yo imagine the two sparring. Also, I never noticed how much the Queen looks like Bob Geldof (who is cool).

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Bob Geldof most definitely isn’t cool. He’s a nob.

  3. piqued Says:

    He is a nob but he was quite good in The Wall, and that’s what he’ll be remembered for.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    No he won’t! He’ll be remembered for ‘gimme da fookin munny’ on the positive side and being matey with Bono and being a self-righteous twat on the negative. And rightly so.

    In The Flesh with Bob singing – better than the original?

  5. piqued Says:

    Yes, was aware he wouldn’t really be remembered for The Wall…

    As for In the Flesh, Christ no, Roger all the time




  6. Joe C Says:

    If your slating of the Hairy Bikers caused such controversy, I dread to think what’s going to happen when ‘ordinary’ people get wind of your character assassination of Her Maj.

    *sits back, lights up a Hamlet, waits for royalist nutters*

  7. piqued Says:




    you’re killing me with your selfishness

  8. Joe C Says:

    The picture you have used looks like John McEnroe in his pomp.

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Yes Joe, it is needlessly erotic.

  10. piqued Says:

    You CANNOT be serious

  11. Natalie Diamond Says:

    This article is brilliant! I love your brutal honesty and truth! I laughed reading this

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