Big Brother 17.6.07



John Noel rears his corrupted head once again. It’s to be expected that Big Brother is a mockery of a sham. The Sun reports that Charley is already signed up by Mr Noel’s PR agency, meaning one of three things:

a.) She was signed up before going in. That would mean producers have a vested interest in keeping Charley in as she’s represented from the outset by the same charlatan as Davina and Dermot. And Russell Brand and Jade Goody.

b.) She was signed up at some point during filming – possibly during her fake evicition.

It’s pretty bloody clear that she was coached before she went on the cameras for the phoney kick-out last Friday. She wasn’t in the slightest bit shocked when told she’d be returning to the house. She also (apparently – according to someone who’s more addicted than me) mentioned that she’d give other contestants hell when she got back in, despite the fact she shouldn’t have known she’d be going back in.

The nomination nonsense has been irritating too. In the week Billi left, BB twisted events so that Charley wouldn’t be up for evicition by taking away Billi and Charley’s nomination. The decision was made post nominations meaning the producers had enough time to figure out that this would leave Charley free for another week. Hindsight, as they say, is a wonderful thing. This week, miraculously she’s not up again and it stinks of fish.

The worst thing about this farrago is we’ve got another week of the Charley parade to stomach. At first it was amusing watching the car crash, but once the dust’s settled and the scene starts going rancid, it starts to make your guts turn. The only thing worth watching last night was Brian’s kamikaze haircut. He should win on the strength of that alone.

The naysayers are right, this series, even for those of us who doggedly pursue this dinosaur of a show, has jumped the proverbial shark and landed in a cloud of irrelevance.

I’ll keep watching though, it’s the television equivalent of biting your nails or chewing yourself a fresh mouth ulcer.

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33 Responses to “Big Brother 17.6.07”

  1. Nick of the T Says:

    Anything to keep people watching.

    Isn’t that the whole point?

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah but this is a swizz and annoys the viewership.

  3. piqued Says:

    Doesn’t really bother me, its BB, not desertification

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Yeah, you’re like, cool, yeah?

  5. piqued Says:

    Yes I ruddy well am you young upstart

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Fuck me! Big Brother’s JUST landed in a cloud of irrelevance? I had no idea mongoloids sitting in an IKEA warehouse throwing bananas at one another had relevance to anything … well … ever. Here was me thinking it was codswallop from the very first episode of the very first show … cheers for the cultural education.

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I was talking about this series when I said it’s suddenly gone downhill.
    Yes, you don’t enjoy it, I think I gathered that. WELL DONE.

  8. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Again, I had no idea it had ‘suddenly’ gone downhill. How can you go downhill when you’re already at the bottom to begin with? Start digging a fucking trench?

    And I’ll stop pointing out how much I fucking hate this moronic bullshit when you stop writing about it. The Apprentice I understand, just about, but an educated man banging on about a Baboon Parade broadcast with the express intention of leeching money from idiot teenagers, fuckwitted twentysomethings and morons in general bewilders me. I can just about understand ONE post about it … but loads of ’em? Why? Read them back and you’ll see you’ve written fuck all about fuck all. Your writing about this smacks of filling in space to fulfill your one-a-day post rule. Why bother when all you can think to write about is this garbage? I’m not willing to believe there haven’t been plenty of other things you’ve seen that interested you a hell of a lot more than this shit.

  9. Swineshead Says:


    Sorry it didn’t entertain you Benny boy.

  10. piqued Says:

    Come on Tim

  11. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve lost my lob on now.

    *writes article about Michael Caine or Burt Reynolds to keep the Nazi happy*

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    At least Reynolds made Deliverance you impertinent pup. What have these fuckers ever done? The women? Made spunk come out of the end a cock would probably rank high in their list of achievements, I imagine. The men? Made it their mission in life to become really really good at looking in a mirror perhaps? Have a banana Clyde, you’ve grasped the concept of self-awareness.

    I don’t think I’d be the only person in the world who would be interested if you DID write about Michael Caine instead of this lousy shit.

  13. Swineshead Says:

    Tell you what – I’ll write endlessly about giving up my 60 a day BB habit until my own skull implodes and readers keel over from boredom.

    Either that or you could write an article?

    NB – Never undermine a woman’s ability to milk a willy.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    But the difference is this site ISN’T a diary is it? If weirdos want to read about my day-to-day life for some reason, then they’re going to have to put up with the fact that I’ve just given up on the gaspers. And it aint like I haven’t gone out of my way to shove other shit on there as well … more than you can say about a lot of blogs.

    This, on the other hand, is a site about TV ‘n’ shit. Well we’ve read about

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    … balls! Well you get the point.

    What the fuck am I pressing that aint ‘Enter’ that suddenly posts something I haven’t finished writing eh? Fuck the lot of you.

    (Readers may be interested to note that at the same time all this bile is going on, Swineshead and I are having a perfectly reasonable E-mail discussion about an article I’m writing … which is a strangely schizophrenic experience but all vigourous fun)

  16. Swineshead Says:

    You cut off a bit early there.
    How about you don’t read the BB articles?

    I don’t write all of them anyway, Piqued does at least half.

  17. Matt Says:

    Was slightly peeved to not see a review of the Live Earth thingy.

  18. Swineshead Says:

    The backlash starts here!

  19. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Here’s a review of Live Earth Matt …

    Live Earth stank to high heaven.

    There you go.

  20. piqued Says:

    Don’t drag me into this, I only write BB posts because it offers me the chance to be judgemental and rude without anyone smashing me immediately in the face

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You write Big Brother posts because you haven’t got the balls to watch Question Time. You’d rather report on the behaviour of a pack of simian tube whores than play with the big boys like Dimbleby, Widdicombe, Heseltine and Balls, Ed Balls.

    Fucking traitor.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Mum doesn’t let me stay up that late.

  23. piqued Says:

    I prefer Any Questions on Radio 4 over Question Time, then you don’t have to look at the cunts.

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Any Questions? Second-rate Dimbleby for a second-rate media format. You don’t see ’em reaching for Jonathan when there’s a Major Event Of National Importance that needs commentating on, do you? Plus, there’s something shifty about Dimbo Jnr … a bit of a slippery customer I fancy. Don’t trust him, never will.

  25. Swineshead Says:

    He speaks very highly of you old son – he says you watch Big Brother together.

  26. piqued Says:

    You just googled ‘Any Questions’, then ‘Dimbleby’

    You clearly no nothing of the ‘Any’

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I can never see the bloody screen with his crotch in my way

  28. piqued Says:

    Or Dimbers, which is how I refer to him when talking to The Pax

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I love the fact that in the Age of Moronica all information a person has in their heads must have been gleaned from the hallowed oracle that is the internet. Of course, the only possible way I would know the presenter of Radio 4’s Any Questions is by looking it up on Google – fount of all wisdom. Owning a radio and listening to it isn’t plausible enough an explanation for such boundless knowledge such as mine … it MUST be Google, wise Google. Come ignorant children and suckle the teets of her electric wisdom.


  30. Swineshead Says:

    Did you say that in a Spanish accent?
    It’s ‘teats’.
    Google has a very good dictionary function, use it.

  31. piqued Says:

    I think though dost protest too much, sir


  32. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I meant ‘teets’ as in ‘Si Signor! Zeee senorita has ze laaarge teets full of zee leche de burro!’ So fuck you.

  33. Badger Madge Says:

    Come on now, play nicely…

    I loved Brian last night. I don’t care if people say he’s putting it on, he’s a darling, and anyone else would have slapped Charley around her chipmunk-type chops for winding him up into such a state. He kept his composure (kind of) really well and then went for a cry in the diary room, before doing his stint as a one-man band. Bless him.

    I agree with the whole jumping the shark thing, although I believe they had the idea last year when they put Nicky back in. That was the turning point for me…

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