Jamie at Home / Cook Yourself Thin


Make them go away

Channel 4 again, dominating the evening schedules with the TV equivalent of the Guardian’s lifestyle section – i.e.,  self-satisfied dross.

Actually, that’s not really fair on Jamie Oliver’s new vehicle, which thankfully hasn’t got him patronising any Italians or working class mothers this time round. Instead, it’s just him mucking about in the garden of his country pile with some weird ageing hippy, getting all horny about tomatoes. Actually quite a pleasant way to spend half an hour, despite the fact it has to be watched through gritted teeth as you spend 95% of the run-time wondering just how fucking rich the successful bastard is.

At least his presence on the TV has been hard earned. He’s a chef with some flair, which is more than can be said for the priviledged quartet who make up the Cook Yourself Thin team. Christ knows where they found this bunch of public school fuckwits. Actually, scratch that, I know just where they found them. Sipping cocktails in the same hell-on-earth bar as Polly Vernon, n’doubt. Given a job in journalism because they could afford expensive frocks, I imagine they were then wangled a pitch in front of Channel 4 bosses because they’re, y’know, soooo fab and rilly, rilly presentable.

Cook Yourself Thin is a televisual concentration camp, wherein these non-entities cut every corner imaginable to try and cut calories in some poor, neurotic cow’s diet. How many of these members of the public are lining up to stand in a whiteout studio showing off their entirely normal body shape and moan about it? It’s seemingly endless. The lady last night looked to be in pretty good nick for a mother of two approaching middle age. So obviously she needs to be patronised on prime time TV so that the rest of us with a gut can feel ashamed of ourselves.

Instead of eating a crunchie everyday, the four airheads recommended she makes herself a load of champagne truffles and has two of those a day, thus halving the amount of calories from that snack. What utter fucking genius. Of course – a champagne based mini-cake – that will stop me from expanding! Why not have half a chocolate bar? Why not one every other day? But no, if these overpaid twats reckon you should bankrupt yourself buying Veuve Clicquot and making stupid little confections out of it, go for your life. They’re on TV, they clearly know more than us fame-deprived plebs. For fuck’s sake, when they made the cake thing they said it would be unwise to make the chocolate ‘grumpy’ during mixing.

At that point, as my blood boiled, I tried to work out how exactly one would make chocolate ‘grumpy’? Channel 4 lost a viewer for the night at that point, so if anything groundbreaking occurred I apologise for not covering it. I somehow doubt they followed it up with anything other than a few more minutes of schedule-filling bollocks.

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15 Responses to “Jamie at Home / Cook Yourself Thin”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sounds extremely practical. My friend’s a single mother struggling to get by and like a lot of women wrestles with her weight. I’ll have to suggest she spends a bit of the money she usually uses to feed and dress her child on champagne. Reckon I’ll last about two seconds befors she tries attacking me.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Whenever I’m watching the pennies and my weight, I tend to spend all my disposable income and food allowance on cheroots and fine port. The pounds simply fly off.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh indeed! Only last week my other half was starving to death, which left me on the horns of a dilemma – do I spend my remaining money on food for her, or on truffles and oysters. Suffice to say, the oysters and the truffles won the day.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Passed a vagabond on the streets of Soho yesterday.
    ‘Spare any change?’ he disgustingly enquired.
    Without a word I hot-footed it to Oddbins where I bought him a bottle of Pimms and some harsh tobacco for his clay-pipe.

  5. Dave Medlo Says:

    I’m still waiting for Channel 4 to tackle that great unproduced idea – Fuck Yourself Thin. It’ll be the same crappy, arogant, patronising mess but at least there’ll be titties.

  6. Clair Says:

    …aaaand did you notice that the guinea-pig had also been going to the gym and been on a low-fat diet generally, hence the two-size dress loss?

    Telly already has too many rich, public school wankers with names like Jizzy off-screen; do we need them on-screen as well, telling us how to get skinny on champers, fags, coffee and coke?

  7. Swineshead Says:

    Jesus Crisps! Was that in small-print or did they explicitly say it?
    It renders the whole fucking thing redundant!


    Why not just make a TV programme called ‘Stop Eating Shit and Do Some Bloody Exercise’. It only needs to be five minutes long, with the whole show being made up of a still of an angry woman’s face.

  8. piqued Says:

    I think they should get Jamie Callum to present a show called Jamie Culls-Em, in which a bunch of fat slatterns are rounded up into a pig pen then cattle prodded until they excrete out five dress sizes over an hour, all backed to some cool summer groove from Callum and his cats.

    It can end with a five-minute free form jazz odyssey in which all the contestants are frantically despatched with hammers by adults with Downs Syndrome as they all slide about screaming in their own and others doings.

  9. proudfoot Says:

    Fat people? Bah!
    They should be shot on sight.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Nonsense. They should be revered like Gods, not patronised on prime time TV.

  11. imtheotherdave Says:

    It’s like, yah, a whole, like, yah, spin on the, yah, food, yah, concept.

    Who would have fucking believed that removing fat from a meal would make it healthier? Not I. Oh, and I’m pitching a new show to C4 involving four anemic chefs vomiting down a toilet. That should be an earner.

    Eat, get fat.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Pisstake of Jamie Oliver courtesy of Cassetteboy…


  13. Badger Madge Says:

    Gah, I forgot to check this yesterday so have nowt new to say, other than to shamelessly plug my blog on the matter http://bmtv.blogspot.com/2007/08/cook-yourself-thin-whilst-going-to-gym.html


  14. Gilbert Wham Says:

    This programme, and the braying public school harpies on it, make you wonder whether Pol Pot was, in fact, fundamentally right and merely had a bit of a problem with impulse control.

  15. imtheotherdave Says:

    Didn’t that Pol Pot win Britain’s Got Talent?

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