The Friday Night Project

by

Turds 

You must have been there; having a quiet Friday night in, only to find that channel four have insulted the core of your very being by leaving you in the crippled hands of The Friday Night Project. Then let me guess what you did next – you put a hurting on your own loved ones with a series of swiftly applied karate chops out of the pure frustration of it all. But it’s ok, it’s not your fault. TV made you do it. Really – you were imagining that you were pounding the life out of Justin Lee ‘Mad as a Lorry’ Collins or shaking the last vapours of ill-deserved breath out of Alan Carr’s deviant little lungs by way of a good neck-wringing. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Besides finding your front room occupied by thousands of wasps, very little is more likely to make you leave the house than finding this on your fucking telly. Sometimes changing the channel just isn’t enough. The fact that we’re expected to lap this kind of crap up is guaranteed to ruin the rest of your evening should you dwell on it for long enough. Mark my words, I would rather have my daily mealtimes restricted to licking the filthy sleep out of a tramps eyes than be the kind of person who laughs at this muck.

Seemingly, it’s not enough that we’re subjected to TFNP of a weekend, it’s then repeated on Wednesday nights. On the episode that drove me to write this, Big Brother animal Charley was playing up her agro image for laughs, or that’s what was supposed to be happening. Actually she was just being herself: A prize twat. That sums this shit up; bottom of the barrel twats, churning out bottom of the barrel sketches and ‘gags’, in a thoroughly bottom of the barrel manner. All broadcast in a prime slot on a Friday night. But why even allow the thoroughly ugly and pointless Charley any further opportunity to pursue her dream of becoming a celebrity? I thought it was a unanimous view that she is worse than cancer and should be cast into the bowels of Hades like a no-good pile of festering, badly soiled tampons.

A regular feature of the show seems to involve the dual cretins dressing up as women to reconstruct some of the TV highlights of the week. This is rendered in a way that is so void of intellect that it makes the Driller Killer’s preferred method of execution look subtle. Men dressed as women. How outrageously forward-thinking. The concept itself as a comedic tool was a genuinely amusing enough sight to behold not so many years ago. That was until those equally witless Little Britain knob-ends Walliams and Lucas got hold of it and ruined it for everyone for ever. So anyway, Toadstool head Collins dresses up as a woman and the idiot audience think it’s hysterical, presumably because he wears a beard. Carr puts on a dress and suddenly you’re witnessing the sickest thing this side of a paedophile’s wet dream. In fact even a necrophilia-dabbling paedophile would wake up blowing chunks had such a sight crept in and corrupted his sexual thoughts.

Really it’s as simple as this; Collins is no better than an old perv, constantly trying to cop a feel of any attractive lady-guests who happen to be invited onto the show, and who also, incidentally, spends more time changing the highlights in his hair in a day than real men spend churning out big fat creamy dumps in a fortnight. And as for that Carr thing, he should just grow the fuck up. He’s about 45 isn’t he? Anyway, where did these two wrong-cocks spring from and what are they doing inside my television? Get them out.

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34 Responses to “The Friday Night Project”

  1. Dave Medlo Says:

    I couldn’t agree with you more.

    Last Friday I was innocently watching television when the cat leapt up the sofa arm, onto the remote control and accidentally changed the channel to 4 where this mirthless piece of tossrag was on.

    I was so horrifed by this that I immediately skinned the cat alive, blended it’s still shivering body and mailed to the producers of the Friday Night Project with a simple note saying: “You made me do this.”

    Good review, by the way, well said.

  2. proudfoot Says:

    Thanks.
    I’d been holding that one in for months.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    Apparently Charley has a TV show in the works. I read that on http://bmtv.blogspot.com , Badger’s blog.

    Unbelievable. It’ll be a runaway success, n’doubt, just like Princess Nikki or whatever it was called.

  4. proudfoot Says:

    That makes me so angry!!
    Instead of correcting these social inadequates, we reward them. Instead of snubbing them, we can’t get enough of them.
    For fucks sake, haven’t we learned our lesson with Jade Goody?
    What is going on? This country’s crap!

  5. proudfoot Says:

    Alan Carr’s father used to be quite a well known manager of a football team, though I can’t remember his name.
    He must be so ashamed.

  6. Paul Greaves Says:

    He was manager of Northampton Town FC. My home town

    I’m so ashamed that snaggle-toothed little pissmidget comes from the same place I do.

    I agree with every word you said. You just beat me to it.

  7. proudfoot Says:

    “Snaggle-toothed pissmidget”. Like it.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Oh – so you LIKE the snaggle-toothed pissmidget now?

    You womens are so fickles

  9. Napoleon Says:

    From what I’ve gathered, Lee Collins is a thoroughly nice chap. He presented an award at my magazine’s back-slapping ceremony last year and everyone there thought he was a lovely man. I’ve only seen him on the telly, but from that evidence he’s always struck me as the kind of fella you’d be happy to have a drink with. And fair enough, Carr’s act is over the top, but at least he seems to revel in life. The pair of ’em look like they’re ‘aving fun, which is more than I can say for a lot of entertainers who look like they’re just picking up the cheque.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    So the fact that the content is second rate shit is irrelevant because you have a weakness for the presenters?

    Buck your ideas up! I remember when we had GREAT Friday night telly. Remember The Word? BRING TERRY CHRISTIANS BACK TO OUR BOXES

  11. Balls To You Swineshead You Arse Says:

    We’ve never had great Friday night telly, never. The Word was shite, The Girlie Show was shite, even Vic Reeves Big Night Out was shite (as I discovered when I watched it on the satelite t’other week). You’re just being nostalgic because you’re a dribble of filthy cock cheese on the end of Santa’s nose. Lee Collins in women’s clothes is funny because he’s fat and has a beard. That’s funny. The beard makes it funny. It’s the beard. You stinking goblin, fuck you!

  12. Swineshead Says:

    If you can’t tell that I was being sarcastic about The Word then you deserve the kick in the balls I’ve got reserved for you.

  13. Balls To You Swineshead You Arse Says:

    You’re not qualified to be sarcastic about The Word. You weren’t bloody old enough to watch it. And how do I know? Because I was round your house watching it with your brother and you were in bed because you’re a whipper-snapper and all wet behind the ears etc. Get out of that one you big trump.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    Bollocks. I watched pretty much every episode of The Word that aired because I was too young to go out.

    You, on the other hand, we’re probably down the park trying (and failing) to stick your micropenis in a Z-List celebrity’s (who I shan’t name) baggy wanny.

  15. Balls To You Swineshead You Arse Says:

    As any woman who’s been unfortunate enough to get near my old fella will atest, I have a large and terrifying penis, so there. And I wasn’t down the park trying to put Z-List celebrities (discretion bars me from revealing her name) to the sword – I was in your house watching The Word with your brother. You, being a pipsqueak, were tucked up in bed in your jimmy-jammies with a cuddly bear and some hot chocolate. History is on my side, oh yes it is.

    And all my Z-List fumbling took place in my house, so fuck you. I didn’t start mucking about al fresco until I started banging away at that woman who now hates the very ground I walk on. I think we both know who I’m talking about here … fucking she-wolf.

  16. piqued Says:

    *watches conversation evolve eating ham and cheese sandwich*

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Let’s not get personal. And change your profile name. Or I’ll purge all your comments like the Jolly Joe Stalin I am.

  18. Ben's Statutory Rape Says:

    That any better?

  19. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve decided I’m the best.

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Hey! Take that name down!

  21. Swineshead Says:

    That’s way better.

    I HAVE THE POWER

  22. piqued Says:

    *eats kit kat*

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    OI!

  24. Swineshead Says:

    Right – I think we’ve all learned something today.

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    TAKE IT DOWN … YOU’RE BEING INDISCREET

  26. Swineshead Says:

    It’s gone, gone, gone.

    I don’t know why you’re so ashamed anyway.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Yeah, I’ve learned you’re a bloody fascist.

  28. Swineshead Says:

    Just restoring order my good man. Don’t have nightmares.

  29. piqued Says:

    *realises the cheese and ham and kit kat aren’t settling well in the stomach*

    *throws up behind Dixons*

  30. Troll Says:

    To the nameless reviewer and all those who agreed…

    Well you can tell that all you bitter bitches are from up north where there’s nothing but closed down steel factories and shitty fucking working mens clubs full of ugly bastards. No wonder the houses are cheaper up there, they fucking need to be.

    What did you do, fucking force yourself to watch the program just so that you could complain about it on here like the little fucking faceless bitch that you are?

    You’re all as bad as those cunts who say they don’t watch TV, but know every facet of every character in every soap.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Troll, thanks for your fucking comment. Your fucking input is fucking appreciated.

  32. Clarys Says:

    I love how people generalise about the north. All we do is work in the mines, go down t’pub, pet our whippets, eat pies and call everyone lass and lad.

    Of course, I don’t live up north anymore – more’s the pity. But for fucks sake, if you’re going to bitch about a television review you don’t agree with, what use is complaining about certain areas of the country? It robs your comment of any value at all.

    Not that I give a stuff, because to be honest “Troll”, you sound like an absolute cunt.

  33. Swineshead Says:

    No need to swear, Clarys.

  34. mywalletmarketcom Says:

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