Archive for August 15th, 2007

Bernard Matthews’ Turkey

August 15, 2007

Enjoy it on a MonDaY, a TueSdAY a WEdnesDAY etc.,

Please notice the attempts to accentuate different words, the advert does that you know. Different ages and genders, in a variety of tones and accents to show how diverse fucking turkey is and to show how everyone, despite everything (taste included) enjoys Bernard Matthews’ Turkey…

I don’t recall many people enjoying it a few months ago when his farm was condemned with H5N1 – Avian flu to you and I – which can be transferred from bird to human, resulting in a long and painful death by suffocation. Really, you’d think cancer was a gift in comparison to this little fella.

…a ThurSdaY, a FRIday a SaTURDay.. and so on.

Anyway, chuckles aside, thousands of birds were killed to control what was potentially one of the most serious outbreaks of disease in the western hemisphere since the ‘flu pandemic that took place in the 1920’s. I wonder if the birds killed would’ve preferred being burnt alive or being used as baseballs by two workers as happened in 2006? Decisions, decisions.

Bernard Matthews appeared on TV in the 1980s. Famous for not being able to fucking well speak properly, this retarded businessman managed to ingratiate his way into the hearts and minds of mentally sensitive mothers and fathers over the country. He cut an unlikely figure in the tits and teeth world of commercial advertising, that’s for sure, the silly fat cunt.

But somehow his Norfolk GM shit became part of the tradition of Sunday lunch; it’s affordability and convenience even allowed for families to indulge in mid-week sessions of carnivorous mastication. I’d love Bernard to try to attempt to read that out loud before I smashed off his head with a spade…

So, back to the advert where food stylists in their dozens have done their utmost in making flat bland strips of yellowish stuff appealing. We see it waved through various sandwiches stuffed full of crisp salad, weaved through spaghetti sauce, ribboned over pizza, lolling out of wraps, exploding out of fucking stir fry all surrounded by a cornucopia of vegetation in order to scream HEALTH into your confused mouth.

But, hey, lets take a step back. The very same firm that threatened the population with Avian Flu, (that’s a sore throat, muscle aches, headache, lethargy, conjunctivitis, fever, breathing problems, chest pains, death (note final word)) the company that only this year was no more than a burning pile of 160,000 dead creatures, as was televised,  all over the press and in our faces for weeks, is still in business.

How the FUCK has that happened? They’re not just in business they now have the audacity to tell us their product is healthy! Is a sore throat, muscle aches, headache, lethargy, conjunctivitis, fever, breathing problems, chest pains, death healthy? I don’t know actually, I’ll just look it up in a medical dictionary. Mmmm, hang on, no, no IT DOESN’T CUNTING WELL LOOK LIKE IT.

AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.