Bernard Matthews’ Turkey


Enjoy it on a MonDaY, a TueSdAY a WEdnesDAY etc.,

Please notice the attempts to accentuate different words, the advert does that you know. Different ages and genders, in a variety of tones and accents to show how diverse fucking turkey is and to show how everyone, despite everything (taste included) enjoys Bernard Matthews’ Turkey…

I don’t recall many people enjoying it a few months ago when his farm was condemned with H5N1 – Avian flu to you and I – which can be transferred from bird to human, resulting in a long and painful death by suffocation. Really, you’d think cancer was a gift in comparison to this little fella.

…a ThurSdaY, a FRIday a SaTURDay.. and so on.

Anyway, chuckles aside, thousands of birds were killed to control what was potentially one of the most serious outbreaks of disease in the western hemisphere since the ‘flu pandemic that took place in the 1920’s. I wonder if the birds killed would’ve preferred being burnt alive or being used as baseballs by two workers as happened in 2006? Decisions, decisions.

Bernard Matthews appeared on TV in the 1980s. Famous for not being able to fucking well speak properly, this retarded businessman managed to ingratiate his way into the hearts and minds of mentally sensitive mothers and fathers over the country. He cut an unlikely figure in the tits and teeth world of commercial advertising, that’s for sure, the silly fat cunt.

But somehow his Norfolk GM shit became part of the tradition of Sunday lunch; it’s affordability and convenience even allowed for families to indulge in mid-week sessions of carnivorous mastication. I’d love Bernard to try to attempt to read that out loud before I smashed off his head with a spade…

So, back to the advert where food stylists in their dozens have done their utmost in making flat bland strips of yellowish stuff appealing. We see it waved through various sandwiches stuffed full of crisp salad, weaved through spaghetti sauce, ribboned over pizza, lolling out of wraps, exploding out of fucking stir fry all surrounded by a cornucopia of vegetation in order to scream HEALTH into your confused mouth.

But, hey, lets take a step back. The very same firm that threatened the population with Avian Flu, (that’s a sore throat, muscle aches, headache, lethargy, conjunctivitis, fever, breathing problems, chest pains, death (note final word)) the company that only this year was no more than a burning pile of 160,000 dead creatures, as was televised,  all over the press and in our faces for weeks, is still in business.

How the FUCK has that happened? They’re not just in business they now have the audacity to tell us their product is healthy! Is a sore throat, muscle aches, headache, lethargy, conjunctivitis, fever, breathing problems, chest pains, death healthy? I don’t know actually, I’ll just look it up in a medical dictionary. Mmmm, hang on, no, no IT DOESN’T CUNTING WELL LOOK LIKE IT.


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44 Responses to “Bernard Matthews’ Turkey”

  1. Dave Medlo Says:

    They’re still in business because they got a multiple-thousand-pound compensation payout from the governement to cover the loss of their income from having to burn the aformentioned carcasses.

    It doesn’t matter that it was their fault – the result of bad hygene standards and a lax attitude to shipping animals country to country… nor does it matter that they lied and denied it being their fault until it was proven beyond doubt, nor does it matter that 6 months prior to nearly poisoning half the culinary-opposed population their employees were secretly filmed playing basketball with live turkeys.

    What matters is some doddering old fart in a cardigan was wheeled out of his retirement home to ‘assure’ us that his turkey was still ‘bootiful’ and to lobby the government for cash to keep churning out the same abused products.


  2. Swineshead Says:

    I quite like their chicken kievs though. And three for only two quid! Not only ‘bootiful’ but a bargain to boot. Go well with processed frozen chips.

    If you think that your average ‘organic’, ‘free range’ chicken from Sainsburys is treated like a king, I’d guess again. The only difference is they charge snobs extra for fancy packaging.

  3. Swineshead Says:

    And is there REALLY any need for all this awful, shitty language?

  4. piqued Says:

    ‘Charge for extra fancy packaging’ If I thought you actually meant that I’d do time for you, yeah

  5. Swineshead Says:


  6. piqued Says:

    Don’t be so slilly

    *gently slaps SH round the face with white kid glove*

  7. Badger Madge Says:

    Swineshead is right, did you guys see that disgusting documentary earlier this year where they filmed staff at deli and meat counters in Sainsburys and Tescos mincing meat that had gone past its sell-by date and re selling it? Bleh! We were eating spag bol at the time. I nearly hurled.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I missed that Badger, but it sounds about right.
    The only way to get decent meat products is to buy a live animal and kill the bloody thing yourself. And even then it’s probably been fed steroid-pills and smoked hormone-pipes to make it a big and fat.

  9. piqued Says:

    I missed Swineshead making that point about out of date meat. Am I going madz?

    Lets face it, eating meat is unnecessary altogether. It’s a luxury; it’s not essential in our diet. We eat it because it tastes good

  10. Swineshead Says:

    I didn’t – Badger did.
    You are going mentalzszxzxc,ls;’as

  11. piqued Says:


  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Agree on the Chicken Kievs comment … bootiful. The lump of processed turkey they sell as a roast is pretty ‘orrible though – used to fill me with dread seeing that fucker going in the oven.

  13. piqued Says:

    You would agree, you’re easily led you are

  14. Clarys Says:

    Who the fuck would put (processed) turkey breast slices into a sodding stir fry anyway? Chicken, pork, beef, fish – actually fresh and not cut into wafer thin slices I can understand, but turkey slices? Surely that’s for a sandwich?

    The only time processed sliced meat is ok is on a Subway sub. I am convinced they put crack in the ham to make it so bloody addictive.

  15. Swineshead Says:

    At least they’re suggesting a healthy serving suggestion. Crap with veg is better than crap with crap, eh what?
    We should be praising at the altar of Barnyard Matthew.

  16. piqued Says:

    Bernard would put (processed) turkey breast slices into a sodding stir fry, Clarys.

    Bernard, SH, Napoleon and Badger would as well.

    They all fucking love it.

    do do do do dooo, they love it.

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    Swineshead said that chicken at Sainsburys is just as bad but with fancy packaging…

  18. Swineshead Says:

    I tried to pitch a TV show of Piqued making his groundbreaking sausage and broccoli dish to Channel 4 the other day but they told me to fuck off.

    They can’t show the same thing every day they said. I mentioned Friends repeats on E4 as proof that they did and they kicked me out.

  19. piqued Says:

    Badger, Swineshead also says he ‘tried to pitch a TV show of Piqued making his groundbreaking sausage and broccoli dish to Channel 4 the other day’

    And he didn’t

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued pretends he’s a foodie sort of character when in fact he’s a fat benefits scrounger who lives on Fray Bentos pies and packet soup. He only gets his fat arse off the sofa twice a week – Mondays to go shoplifting and pick up his dole money, and Fridays to go to Cost-Cutters to see if they’ve got any out of date tins of Ravioli. The closest thing that parasite’s got to decent cuisine was when he shifted the weight off the sores on his right buttock and on to the boils on his left, sat on the remote control, and changed channel to an old Keith Floyd programme. He was furious because it made him miss 28 seconds of his favourite programme – ‘Dr’ Gillian McKeeef Examines Fat People’s Shit.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    I think piqued is calling me a lyre.

    He’ll never work on WWM again, mark my words.

  22. piqued Says:

    Well I think you’re all fucking horrid



  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Good riddance

  24. piqued Says:

    ahahaha, yes, but I don’t really



    *notices blood in stool*

  25. proudfoot Says:

    I happen to like Fray Bentos pies; minced Beef and onion, with ominous lumps of unrecognisable brown bits in. mmm. And the pastry’s divine!

    Does Bernard Matthews eat his own products? The man is a monster.

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Seriously guys (and gals), buy a chicken kiev (3 for under 2 notes, remember), cook it up, bite the end off and experience the delight of scalding hot garlic butter sliding down your gullet. It’s enough to make you wet your pants.

    *wets pants*

  27. proudfoot Says:

    You’re becoming obsessed Swineshead, you Kiev-munching maniac, you.

  28. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s the fact you get three that clinches the deal for me. When the other half’s away and my life’s spiralled into a filthy, man on his own mess of toasted sandwiches, video games and hardcore pornography, Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs are a Godsend. All you need to do is whack ’em in the oven – they cook themselves! They cook themselves!

    I don’t even bother eating anything else but the three kievs. Once, when the missus went to Germany, I over did it and tried eating six. Gave me terrible diarrhea, but I don’t blame Bernard. Lovely, kindly old Norfolk Bernard and his breadcrumbed garlic wonders.

    Piqued’s an idiot.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – you forgot to mention that you get three for £2. That’s the price of a single bus journey in London, that is.

    Three – £2.

    Whichever way you read it, it’s unbelievable.

  30. proudfoot Says:

    So where can I locate these cut-price chicken goodies then?
    I can’t find them.

  31. Swineshead Says:

    There’s a load in Piqued’s freezer, help yourself – they’re only 2 quid for 3 of the blighters.

  32. proudfoot Says:

    I’m not paying £2 for second hand food.

    Call it 30p.

  33. imtheotherdave Says:

    Bernard Matthews Turkey is Spam without the class.

  34. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    They’re 3 for £2, don’t forget that fact. God bless you Bernard Matthews! I’m lobbying my MP to make him Lord Bernard of Norfolk Turkey Farmers. He’s the bestest.

  35. Andrew Collins Says:

    Nice thought that organic chickens are as badly reared and treated as non-organic chickens – that would show those “posh” people, wouldn’t it? – but you know it ain’t true. If it’s got a Soil Association logo on the side of it (and I’m not vouching for Sainsbury’s chickens – you’ll have to check), that means standards much more stringent than any other organic certification. Organic chickens must have constant daytime access to the outdoors. They cannot be permanently housed. This land must be covered in properly managed vegetation, so that the chickens can peck and graze and go about their natural business. A flock raised for meat cannot go above 1,000 birds; average non-organic “broiler” flock size: 40,000. Growth-promoting hormones are also banned in organic flocks, as is “routine” use of antibiotics. With the right drugs, a non-organic chicken is reared for 42 days before slaugher; an organic one lives for 81 days. In other words, those that can afford to pay for it, are getting something for their money. Don’t get me started.

    Bernard Matthews peddles shit. But why does he? Because once the bird flu stories are off the front pages, the people go back into the supermarkets and buy it. What short memories they have. All the compensation in the world shouldn’t have saved the Matthews brand after that farrago, because customers should have run a mile from his logo, but they didn’t. That’s the free sodding market, and it bites, or pecks, us on the arse every time.

  36. Swineshead Says:

    That’s all well and good Andrew – and I admit my comment on organic products was flippant – but have you seen how much this ‘shit-peddler’ Matthews sells his wares for?

    THREE kievs (huge) for only 2 quid. Bootiful. The fact that the meat involved is only about 70% chicken is neither here nor there.

    N.B – I quite like posh people.

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Here here! THREE chicken kievs for £2 – 3! Not 2, THREE. Bernard Matthews may well pedal shit Andrew, but if the shit he’s pedalling comes covered in breadcrumbs and dribbles garlic out of its arse in a satisfying spurt, then pedal that shit straight down my gullet. Bootiful, as Swineshead points out.

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I had to change the whole ‘pedalling’ thing there to fit in with the garlic chicken cycling thing. Hope you don’t mind.

  39. Kazeloas Says:

    Hi webmaster!

  40. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    He said hello, SH. Are you just going to ignore the man?

  41. Swineshead Says:

    Am I a webmaster?

    HEELLOS!!!!!!!!!! dasfgsfgbhrea

  42. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Eloquent today, I see.

  43. johny Says:

    M&S all the way for xmas turkey….apart from that as long as it had a soul and fits in my mouth and doesnt make me spew my guts up its fine.

  44. Skinz Says:

    True dat!

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