BT Broadband



Ahahaha – his Dad’s embarrassing goal celebration. Honestly, how charming, the display of affection between son and dad enjoying the ‘footie’…

Just to take you through this cradle of filth, the advert commences with Dad and his lanky twat of a son who was the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family (I’ve seen him being ‘craaazzzy’ on it prior to turning the TV off/over with my forehead) watching a football match on the telly.

But let’s not run away with ourselves, let’s take a step back. Sadly this series of BT adverts has been running like a soap opera for months, the premise is that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family has wound up shacked up with a bird who has two teenage kids. FROM A PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIP. ITZ SEW MODERNED.

So, there they are watching telly, Dad, son (the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family) AND, we notice, the teenage son of the bird that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family is currently being ‘craaazzzy’ with. (We know he’s ‘craaazzzy’ because he turns his shirt collar up and his hair is a little ruffled. WILD).

During the match on the telly the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family looks over at his dad in a manner that I presume the BT Producers intended to be portrayed as affectionate, though in reality it looks more like his sizing him up for a raping. We are then treated to a flashback, Dad and son (a younger version of the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family) on the terraces watching a match.

Dad too has been made up to look younger by plastering a huge black wig over his beach ball sized head and having his glasses changed for a pair of jam jar bottoms. He resembles a cross between a henchmen of The Krays and the bloke who is referred to as a ‘twisted old prune’ in Spinal Tap.

During the nostalgia scene the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family reminisces about the footie with Dad, dodgy meat pie at half time (I notice he doesn’t then go on to reminisce about being sick on his lap on the journey home, a temperature of 103° and vicious diarrhoea for the following week which loses him a week of school and over a stone in weight) and Dad’s embarrassing goal celebrations, or in my opinion, paydirt.

Said ‘celebration’ consists of grabbing one’s child by the head and, bafflingly, pouting ones lips prior to thrusting ones face into the victims hair and vigorously shaking ones head from side-to-side. Two things here, firstly its clear that this was the best the ad agency could muster when given the brief for an ‘embarrassing goal celebration’, it’s a fucking shit one, unbelievable actually, secondly, if it was remotely believable the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family should’ve been taken into care.

We then cut back to the present day just as ‘United’ have scored. Christ bled, dad jumps up and performs his embarrassing goal celebration on the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family, and attempts to perform the same manoeuvre on the teenage son of the bird that the ‘craaazzzy’ one in My Family is currently being ‘craaazzzy’ with.

The thing about these fucking BT adverts is that I’ve no idea what the fuck they’re trying to actually sell me. I think its phones, and I only think that because they’re BT adverts. Why on earth then is the catalyst for the selling of phones process a turdy little soap seen predominantly through the eyes of some cunt getting used to his ready-made family?

Oh, great idea for the Honda Civic, a pixie dressed as a Beefeater throwing bathroom taps at a copy of Ian McEwan’s Atonement. I don’t know about you but that screams Four-cylinder 1590cc engine, with 108bhp @ 5600rpm and 111 lb ft @ 4300rpm Torque, five-speed manual, front-wheel drive with (front) MacPherson struts (rear) multilink suspension to me.

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54 Responses to “BT Broadband”

  1. Balls To You Swineshead You Arse Says:

    Just out of interest, were you drunk when you wrote this?

  2. piqued Says:

    Drunk when I saw the advert and decided to write this for WWM, hungover when I did, why dare I ask?

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Just reads like it was written by a drunk mad person.

  4. piqued Says:

    Then my work here is done

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:


  6. piqued Says:

    How patronising, I’ll have you know I fought with Andy McNabb, yes, him of Bravo 2 ruddy zero, sir

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Andy McNab wouldn’t fight with you. He’s hard and knows close-quarter fighting techniques. You’re a big wet fish obsessed with broccolli. He’d have you stabbed-up sunshine. Stabbed-up, d’ye hear?

  8. piqued Says:

    Who is Andy McNab?

    I fought with Andy McNabb of Bravo 2 Ruddy Zero; I don’t know if it got published, he told me that’s what the few pages of scribblings were called after he waved them in my face outside his hostel.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Andy McNabb would have you stabbed-up as well, oh yes he would. I bet it wasn’t just notes he was waggling in your face, neither. I bet he waggled his big military willy in your face and you really liked the idea. I bet you’d like to live with this McNabb character and cook him those poncified meals you’re so bloody proud of. And then polish his boots. Polish them with jism. Jism!

  10. Mr Chipz Says:

    I haven’t polished Andy McNab’s boots with Jism but I HAVE polished ‘Mad’ Dave MacNabbbe’s anus with boot blacking for a dare when he was all passed out in a pool of his own sick. It wasn’t daring because he’s violent or hard, but because he has a unique case of rectal prolapse which sent me into catatonic shock which needed three years of expensive therapy. Three years! That Chris Ryanair (the other bloke from Bravo Five O) wouldn’t have hacked that, let me tell you.

    On another, more pertinent note, I would like to say that I love them BT adverts and consider them to be works of art in the truest meaning of the word ‘art’. Not as good as the adverts for Asda though, with all them celebs patting their arses. Now that’s telly!

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I enjoy those Asda adverts about as much as a colon cancer sufferer enjoys having a shit. Paul Whitehouse should be ashamed of himself. First he writes televison shows with known kiddie-fiddlers, then he does adverts for evil global corporations that are determined to rape our wives and steal our money. He’s a bugger is that Paul Whitehouse, a bugger.

  12. Swineshead Says:

    Chris Langham didn’t fiddle with a kid, to use your brutal parlance… he only looked at pictures of that kind of stuff. I say ‘only’, obviously he should be hanged by the neck until dead for ‘aving a wank.

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Alright so my terminology’s skewed. But he IS a kiddie-diddler really. A kiddie-diddler at heart. Allegedly.

  14. Mr Chipz Says:

    I don’t give a shit what he did or didn’t do. Round here a nod’s as good as a wink and that’s enough for a good mob killing. The fact that I openly work with children is enough to fill me with moral outrage and burn my own house down.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve always fancied joining the burning torches brigade. Where’s your house?

  16. imtheotherdave Says:

    The OXO family for the newfangled, erm, ‘phone’ age. Saying that, OXO cubes still seem a more truthful symbol of modernity to me. I mean, gravy in a fucking cube? Get with the times.

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I like Bisto Best gravy. The beef one’s lovely and so’s the pork one and the chicken one. I’m not so keen on the vegetable one and I don’t know if they make an onion one. Why can’t you get fish gravy?

  18. piqued Says:

    Yes, they make an onion one

    Imtheotherdave, OXO cubes aren’t gravy, they’re beef stock you potty mouthed cunt

  19. Badger Madge Says:

    You can get fish sauce stuff from those Colmans packets… I prefer their chilli one though.

  20. Mr Chipz Says:

    “fish gravy”

    *vomits in lap*

  21. piqued Says:

    I think BM said ‘fish sauce’, sir

  22. Badger Madge Says:

    but fish sauce is rank too, to be fair…

  23. piqued Says:

    Depends how you make it

    Put fish stock in a roux with parsley, lemon juice, mustard and black pepper and it makes a killer sauce for salmon steaks

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh hello. So you’re infesting this site with your poncey food now are you? Ignore that recipe. Take £2, go to Cost Cutters, buy THREE (3) Chicken Kievs, cook in oven, eat. Bootiful.

  25. piqued Says:

    …get yourself some BUPA health insurance whilst you’re at it

  26. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Would that be health insurance to cope with the parasites commonly found in salmon? I can’t see it being for Bernard Matthews’ Chicken Kievs, which pass rigorous safety standards and cost £2 for three.

  27. Swineshead Says:

    How much?
    I had some last night but I didn’t keep the receipt – I did notice my pockets still felt heavy after the transaction, mind.

  28. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    £2 for THREE.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    So effectively you get number three completely FREE?

    Piqued – you can stick your salmon up your arse. I’m going with the Dynamo Kiev.

  30. piqued Says:


    I see you two have made friends again

  31. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It seems almost too good to be true. I’ve often opened the box (which contains three Chicken Kievs for £2) and waited for my punishment … but nothing. No flies, scorpions, daggers on springs – just three Chicken Kievs. And for just £2! FOR THREE!

  32. piqued Says:

    I look forward to discussing your limited contribution to WWM through a facemask to imtheotherdave as your contorted cadaver crackles in the Asian flu pyre


  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I think I’ll stick to those Kievs.

  34. piqued Says:

    great shot of Bernard Matthews on his bike

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It’s wierd, because those look a lot like free-range birds you’ve linked to there. Probably organic too. Give me the caged, trussed-up, force-fed variety any day. I wouldn’t want that bird flu thing after eating free-range birds.

  36. piqued Says:

    Fat cock

  37. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Don’t like it do you? HOISTED sir, hoisted. Hey! Have you heard Waitrose has withdrawn its salmon products because they’re riddled with listeria, salmon man? Bernard Matthews’ Chicken Kievs are still, I’m glad to say, available in the freezer cabinet (3 for £2 – a genuine bargain). BOOTIFUL!

  38. piqued Says:

    Should your tale-telling have some foundation, I don’t buy from Waitrose, but maybe I will in the future, Listeria merely gives you a dicky tummy, though none of the Waitrose customers have cause to complain as they (according to your na na na nar nar information) were contentious enough to remove it from their shelves.

    Unlike products from Morrison’s (I know you shop there). The staff in those stores don’t know about washing their hands after farting out blood streaked stools following last nights tea of black pudding n’ dripping washed down with a crate of brown ale and an Activia yoghurt ‘cos eets reet gud for thee and reduces coleslaw’…Subsequently some of their customers died last week from eating contaminated meat. Yum.

    Still Bernard Matthews still wins when it comes to eating diseased foods, he nearly caused a fucking pandemic earlier this year.

  39. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    ‘Nearly’ being one of the words you could use, ‘didn’t’ being another.

  40. piqued Says:

    Ooh Danone

  41. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I reckon Bernard should shove your head up a turkey’s arse – like in that Mr. Bean Christmas special. It’d be great if it was a diseased bird … obviously he’d have to buy it from one of those organic, free-range places, as all his birds have to pass exacting DEFRA health standards. It would be great if the turkey had a sign inside it saying ‘My birds aren’t fucked like wot you think, you ignoramous. The small army of vets I employ at my farm (and it IS a farm, not a factory – think Darling Buds of May for exact levels of rosiness down at Bernard’s farm) make sure my birds are disease-free and safe for human consumption. My birds are bootiful (this is my catchphrase), the organic birds you buy are riddled by poisons. Yours – Bernard Matthews, humble Norfolk turkey farmer.”

    Obviously, you’d need a torch to read this statement.

  42. imtheotherdave Says:

    So Bisto gravy granules are not the same as the red OXO cubes? Why and how is this the case?

  43. Napoleon Says:

    Bisto’s gravy and OXO’s stock. Wally.

  44. imtheotherdave Says:

    Thank you, mother.

  45. Adrian Says:

    Cannot fooking stand these adverts. The one where the woman ‘loses’ the folder of photos is the worst for me. How the fuck do you manage to just lose a folder? Ugh…

  46. Gilbert Wham Says:

    She looks like she’s been bashed in the face with a pan. Which I would like to do to her again. There is no fate too horrible for that lanky bastard as well.

  47. Mabeline Says:

    I love Esther Hall, especially as Felix in Waking the Dead. Both Kris and Esther are established, versatiles actors.

    Thank you guys, for giving me a good laugh reading your “discussion” about chicken kievs, salmon, OXO cubes V gravy granules. Hilarious!

  48. Jordan* Says:

    May I think you, piqued and Cockaparte, for successfully distracting me from my Media A Level research into the comparisons of the BT and Oxo family adverts. It was far more interesting to read than endless BBC scoops on the planned interracial revamp of OXO and critical articles about how Marshall’s twaty character demasculinizes today’s male population. Thank you.

  49. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    God knows what that means, but y’welcome nonetheless. By the way, media A levels are a waste of time. The last person I knew with a media A level got cancer of the throat and had to have his tongue removed. He just sits in a chair now, glaring.

    All thanks to that media A level.

  50. piqued Says:

    Don’t listen to him Jordan, you’re very welcome

    (btw, I hope your tits are feeling better, hugs to Peter and the kids, especially the one that smiles a lot)

  51. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The one that smiles a lot? Is that her idiot boy? The simpleton half-caste? The spazmolaroller?


  52. DEUQIP Says:

    You do realize that this article does make you out to be a complete cock…don’t you?

  53. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    You do realise that your comment makes you sound like a complete imbecile…don’t you?

  54. piqued Says:

    DEUQIP, be more specific….

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