Seen Crimewatch recently? Like all other TV, it’s gone mother-loving mental. The graphics as you enter their reconstructed world makes it seem like they’re parodying Brass Eye, which is quite a neat trick. They pip a parody at its own game by re-parodying it without shame. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, the BBC seem to be saying.
There’s no more Nick Ross these days, he retired recently. We haven’t got Jill Dando either, what with her getting shot by Freddie Mercury, so we’re left with a robot and a cockney giant.

Fiona Bruce was born in Singapore according to Wikipedia. Singapore is the home of electronic goods, which only confirms my suspicion that Bruce is a manufactured droid (product ID: FB2000) and not to be trusted. When she ‘does’ sincere she sounds like a terrifyingly stoic doctor confirming the fact that you only have two hours to live, at which point your genitals will eat your own anus. She delivers bad news like a newsreader that’s just risen from a 100-year sleep. She scares me silly.

We also have to deal with the bewildering absence of Jackie Haynes – the real copper who I used to have a crush on when I was a lad in the 80s. They’ve now got this chap called ‘Rav’ in, who I think is also a real life member of her Majesty’s fuzz. You wouldn’t want a ruck with Rav as he’s built like an armour-plated brick shitter. He’s also got this weird, matey, broad cockney way with words alongside a cocky manner which is immediately amiable. But then you remember he’s a peeler and it sort of ruins the chumminess. Not that all coppers are bastards.

Last night’s crimes were all far more disturbing than I remembered them being when I used to watch The ‘Watch. A taxi driver got garroted and then had his legs set fire to. We saw pictures of his flaking, pussy pins and watched him choking on his tears as he related his horror. His mate back at the taxi rank was gutted too. It made me bloody miserable and what’s more, I don’t live in the North so I can’t do a single thing to help. I considered calling up with the names of a few enemies from schooldays to stick them in the frame out of spite but didn’t bother in the end.

There was a sequence where some nasty Manc-lads went mental with a crowbar to ‘alf-inch some money-boxes from a couple of security oafs. In stark contrast to the taxi reconstruction, this was bloody well made stuff. It resonated like a Shane Meadows film, the dialogue echoed Ken Loach, the violence reminiscent of Gary Oldman’s Nil By Mouth. Shame it was only two minutes long.

The show lasts for an hour and I was forced to bow out early. A young asian man got blinded by a gunshot wound to the face and by that point I’d had about all I could stomach. It wasn’t the actual footage, reconstruction or the appeals that got to me, it was Fiona. Her attempt to put things into layman’s terms made me cringe more than the footage of the crispy legged taxi man. At one point she even said this:

‘Stranger rape is becoming common and, on average lasts, what? Twenty minutes?’

The ‘what’ in there is desperately uncomfortable. When someone says ‘what’ in the middle of a sentence like that they’re usually trawling their brain for the last experience they have of doing the thing they’re describing. ‘Go left at the traffic lights and then carry on for, what, 20 minutes?’.

It doesn’t work in a description of rape. It’s like saying ‘his scorched legs were left with 90% burns, give or take a couple of scabs’. So cut the colloquialisms Bruce – you’re a newsreader, not a brickie.

Still, Crimewatch is great, it’s an overblown, sensationalist load of hogwash and you’re more likely to win the lottery than help them nab a thief, but I still love it. Even better, since the dawn of CCTV the photfits are not only blurry and freaky, they now move. Don’t have nightmares. I am ordering you to not have nightmares.

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31 Responses to “Crimewatch”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I watched this and the words ‘Leslie Grantham’ popped into my head when I saw that taxi driver attack. Let’s face it, he’s got a bit of a history where this sort of thing is concerned.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    Give them a bell – remember there’s a £20,000 reward for any information leading to the garden path and round the houses.

    Where was Jackie Haynes?

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jackie was given the boot a few years ago, as was that bald guy who used to do the Rogue’s Gallery. It’s just not the same any more. There’s a Ross-shaped hole and that Rav character seems to have been picked for his looks more than for his dull policeman on television skills. Bring back Sue Cook I say.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    Well I think it’s a disgrace.

  5. piqued Says:

    Sue Cook has a face like a melted kidney; we don’t want that sort of thing filling our British TV screens…

    Not that I give a shit, Crimewatch is sensationalist TV for prols, enjoyed by those that would spurn salmon gratin in favour of Bernard Matthews’s chicken ears

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Piqued thinks he’s posh because he watches rich people on telly. Imagine Kevin McCloud poking round his South London hovel…

    ‘The rollie butts in the ashtray, the noise from the neighbours – it shouldn’t work but somehow it all comes together and forms something that is really quite, quite strikingly individual. And pokey’.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “My name’s Piqued and I hate popular culture. Why can’t we all just sit around watching Lars Von Trier movies, reading Vonnegut and experimenting with wonderful recipes for smoked trout?”

    The Guardian Award for Ponderous Cultural Superiority’s in the post.

  8. Clarys Says:

    Crimewatch used to scare the bejesus out of me, for two reasons:

    1) What if I saw someone I knew? Specifically, I used to really worry I’d see someone that looked like my Pa. Who has never been arrested, cautioned, nothing. Not even been pulled over for speeding, so god knows why I worried.

    2) I couldn’t walk past the window on our stairs – we never closed the curtains, so obviously you could see outside. For some reason my ten year old brain told me all the suspects of Crimewatch would be waiting on the drive, like some kind of e-fit line up outside our house. Ridiculous.

    I should have been more worried about seeing my Grandad on there – he chased a bloke down the road with a sledgehammer when he pulled out of buying their farm and got done for GBH. Lovely!

  9. Swineshead Says:

    Hey guys, chill yeah?

    Let’s get naked and talk about Crimewatch.

  10. piqued Says:

    Your psuedo working class hero crap has been negated by these last two posts that demonstrate a working knowledge of middle brow literature, film and television

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My father was done for ABH after attacking a bloke in a pub toilet in the 70s. I never saw him on Crimewatch, but it wouldn’t have come as a complete surprise if he’d made an appearence.

    That window thing – in our village we actually had a guy who spent his evenings stood in your garden looking through your windows. I was alone in the house once and there he was, looking in. Gave me the fucking willies that did … then it dawned on me that he was the father of a friend of mine. This revelation didn’t make the experience any less creepy to be fair.

  12. piqued Says:

    Your father did what?

    Goodness gracious me, what awful yobbish behaviour. Ugh

    As for your peeping tom neighbour, where in Surrey are you based? I presume the local authorities have been informed? The Surrey W.I. and The Walton Rotary Club will need to be briefed at once, someone should also contact The Esher News and Mail

    I’ll call mother

  13. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’m happy to admit I have a working knowledge of highbrow shit. I just don’t feel the need to pretend to like most of it – watched it, read it, eaten it, hated it. Liking lowbrow crap doesn’t mean you also have to be a working class hero or an ignorant prick. Like most people, I’d rather sit down and watch Rambo than a Bergman movie. It doesn’t mean you’re pretending to be something you aint. I mean, what are you saying? That working class types like crap because they know no better? Oh, how you must pity them! The poor proles with their Crimewatch, bad food and improper literature. If only they were middle class they could discover the wonders of sushi, Brecht, and Antonioni. Ever considered that the working class might have read, eaten and watched some of this shit and just not liked it? Or that some of the middling sort might have done the same and reached the same conclusion? We can’t all have a gastronomic orgasm everytime we come into contact with an oyster, some of us prefer scrubbing it in the gutter (3 for £2).

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I forgot to add – you big nobend.

  15. fidothedog Says:

    Agree with Napoleon I think the taxi driver was done over by Leslie Grantham, now he is not on tv(although he still makes internet apperances or rather parts of him do!) anymore money must be a bit tight.

  16. piqued Says:

    There was a question in the last rant.

    I think first one must establish what ‘working class’ means. It certainly doesn’t mean now what it meant in the 70’s that’s for sure. ‘Working class’ as a social category has almost been made redundant, ironically.

    Possibly class these days can be determined by what one selects or subscribes to, in the modern age just by having an Internet connection one has access to limitless quantities of information. What one wishes to do with that information, whether it is on art, literature, health or the environment (to name but a few) is down to the individual.

    Now look what you’ve done, you’ve forced me to became all serious you bell ended fart clacker

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    999 always used to scare the crap out of me. Especially the fire ones…

    But back to CW: ‘Stranger rape is becoming common and, on average lasts, what? Twenty minutes?’
    You’re right SH, it’s like she’s just casually asking her builder for an estimate. “So, this extension. You can do it in, what, three weeks?” Like it’s some kind of casual throwaway event in most women’s lives.

    What a pillock!

  18. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    That last statement would get you hanged if I ran this country.

    Fido – The evidence is piling up. The bugger’s on tour at the moment – taxi drivers up and down the land must be shitting themselves.

  19. piqued Says:

    I presume ‘That last statement would get you hanged if I ran this country’ was directed at moi

    Thanks for your intelligent, informed and considered response

    *flings poo*

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Badger – I’d hang Piqued, not you.

    In the Bruce’s defence, she has got good legs. I remember seeing her dressed up on Children In Need during the Embarrassing Newsreader Bit and she had good legs. Good legs.

  21. Swineshead Says:

    ‘Good legs’?! Nobody says that sort of thing these days (outside of black and white films). It’s all booties and racks these days, you relic.

  22. jasonspaced Says:

    They’ve even retired the ‘Don’t have nightmares’ catchphrase in honour of Ross. And do you know what? I ended up having fucking nightmares last night becase of it. The bastards.

    The theme tune is shite these days too. I used to love the drum heavy version of a couple of years ago. Probably back when DC Jackie Haynes was still giving Swinesy a hard-on.

    My wife fancies Rav.

  23. piqued Says:

    Don’t listen to him BM, if NP had his way he’d be wondering alone around the streets of Grimsby a la 28 Days Later with the entire populace of the British Isles swinging from gas powered lamposts

  24. Swineshead Says:

    How dare you, Jason. I’ve never had a hard on in my life.

  25. piqued Says:

    …I’m not too happy about all this honest open marriage stuff either, Jason, your wife admits to being attracted to another man, you must beat her, Sir, and beat her well.

    It’s your duty as a husband

  26. Swineshead Says:

    I’d stick her in Reader’s Wives (Razzle have upped their offering to £50 per published shot)

    *polishes lens*

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    My apologies for my out-of-date love of Fiona’s legs. Anybody want to buy some petrol coupons?

  28. jasonspaced Says:

    I quite fancy Rav too. Maybe a threesome is on the cards, with Brucey and her luscious pins and Jackie Haynes copping off to boot.


    Crimewatch: The Porno.

  29. Swineshead Says:

    Keep yer hands off of Haynes

  30. proudfoot Says:

    Crimewatch is the TV equivalent of a severe bowel hemorrhaging, and three times as depressing.

    Fiona Bruce is clearly a cyborg, there’s no question.

  31. Newspaceman Says:

    Hiya, I was not sure how to contact yourselves, other than by comment.

    I write a short blog about the previous late evening news, every day.

    If you are interested.


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