Have you watched Neighbours recently? Of course you haven’t! I have though, and I must say the quality of the birds on offer are, if anything, even better than the birds available from fine Norfolk turkey farmer Bernard Matthews (you might not know that Bernard Matthews offers three Chicken Kievs for £2).
For a start there’s the lovely Carmella, a husky Brunette full of eastern promise who brings to mind the mysterious and exotic contents of a Bernard Matthews Golden Drummer. Then there’s Elle, the evil Paul Robinson’s blonde daughter, who resembles Nicole Kidman but with a whiff of a Bernard Matthews Breaded Lemon and Pepper Chicken about her. I wouldn’t mind popping her in the oven for 25 minutes, by God I wouldn’t.
Next up there’s the lovely Pippa. Pippa’s blonde, has great tits, and brings to mind nothing short of the classic Bernard Matthews Turkey Breast Slices – succulent juicy breast meat in attractive packaging. If I had my way, I’d eat Pippa’s tits in a sandwich.
Perhaps the cream of the current crop of Neighbours dollies – the Bernard Matthews three for £2 Chicken Kievs deal, as it were – is Steff. She’s been around a bit, but like the delicious garlic butter that dribbles from a Bernard Matthews Chicken Kiev, she’s always welcome. Don’t get me wrong, I’m neither a serial killer nor a cannibal, but given the chance I’d love to slice Steff in half and eat her innards. Bootiful!