Neighbours ladies 

Have you watched Neighbours recently? Of course you haven’t! I have though, and I must say the quality of the birds on offer are, if anything, even better than the birds available from fine Norfolk turkey farmer Bernard Matthews (you might not know that Bernard Matthews offers three Chicken Kievs for £2).

For a start there’s the lovely Carmella, a husky Brunette full of eastern promise who brings to mind the mysterious and exotic contents of a Bernard Matthews Golden Drummer. Then there’s Elle, the evil Paul Robinson’s blonde daughter, who resembles Nicole Kidman but with a whiff of a Bernard Matthews Breaded Lemon and Pepper Chicken about her. I wouldn’t mind popping her in the oven for 25 minutes, by God I wouldn’t.

Next up there’s the lovely Pippa. Pippa’s blonde, has great tits, and brings to mind nothing short of the classic Bernard Matthews Turkey Breast Slices – succulent juicy breast meat in attractive packaging. If I had my way, I’d eat Pippa’s tits in a sandwich.

Perhaps the cream of the current crop of Neighbours dollies – the Bernard Matthews three for £2 Chicken Kievs deal, as it were – is Steff. She’s been around a bit, but like the delicious garlic butter that dribbles from a Bernard Matthews Chicken Kiev, she’s always welcome. Don’t get me wrong, I’m neither a serial killer nor a cannibal, but given the chance I’d love to slice Steff in half and eat her innards. Bootiful!

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59 Responses to “Neighbours”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Did you ever see that Carmella in a nun’s outfit?
    She was a nun for a bit but then went normal.

  2. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I did and she looked lovely. Obviously she’d have been more lovely covered in Garlic and Herb breadcrumbs.

  3. Badger Madge Says:

    Hungry much?

    Is that fat goth still in it?

  4. Swineshead Says:

    She’s not – she got left in the oven for 10 minutes more than the allotted 20 – 25 minutes at 200°c and ended up too crispy for consumption.

  5. piqued Says:

    It’s one thing to see women as sex objects, another to see them as cheap diseased foodstuffs.

    Someone call Professor Greer.

  6. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I think you’ll find Bernard Matthews foodstuffs have to pass rigorous safety checks Piqued. Pippa, Elle, Steff and Carmella have all been inspected by veterinary surgeons and have passed with flying colours – which is why they’re fit for human consumption. You really should check your FACTS.

  7. piqued Says:

    Of course, the same safety tests that resulted in an outbreak of Asian flu after the cunt imported birds from Eastern Europe threatening the health of the nation.

    Anyway, you watch Neighbours.

  8. Mr Chipz Says:

    I haven’t watched Neighbours for nigh on 14 years. I know it was 14 years ago that I stopped because I remember thinking “I’ll stop watching neighbours now” and it was 14 years ago.
    I used to fancy one of the dark haired twins back then, not the one with the funny mouth though. I think standards must’ve improved because I wouldn’t liken the twin with the normal mouth to one of Bernard Matthews’ succulent turkey-based treats, but I’d say she was on a par with a melton mowbray pork pie, her sister was like a Kwik-Save own brand pork pie. Looked basically ok from the outside but all fucked on the inside.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    No, I think you’ll find the safety checks PREVENTED an outbreak – that’s why we didn’t have one … remember? That whole ‘nobody died from avian flu thing’ that happened last year? Thank God for Bernard Matthews. I just hope these small hold free-range farms can get their arses in gear and get slaughtering as fast as Bernard did when a diseased swallow touches down. These creatures are best kept in sheds … lovely, kindly old Bernard has probably saved us all.

  10. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Mr. Chipz – I can’t attest to the quality of older Neighbours birds. Hopefully this twin that reminded you of a pork pie reminded you of an ADAMS pork pie? The vigorous safety standards of the Adams factory ensure your Neighbours pork pie is free from the many terrible diseases a butcher”s bought pork pie can contain.

  11. Mr Chipz Says:

    I have never had an Adams pork pie, I will have to investigate and see if it does remind me of this twin. I always shun butchers’ pork pies as they tend to have far too much jelly and large crunchy white bits (possibly pig skull) all mashed into them. I was unaware that a butcher’s pork pie contained terrible diseases and I will chalk this up as another reason to up my ongoing campaign of closing down the local, family run butchers’ shop which has blighted my highstreet for generations.

  12. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Good to hear it. I was in Dronfield at the weekend and was disgusted to find a butcher’s there that had been on the go since 1702! Thankfully, a new Sainsbury’s has opened in the town selling honest, decent processed meats, so this bacteria-riddled salmonella factory should be a thing of the past quite soon. And good riddance!

  13. piqued Says:

    NP, if Bernard hadn’t been flouting hygiene regulations in the first place there would be no case to answer, as well you know young man.

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I used to work in Geo Adams pork pie factory. I worked as their skip-keeper (literally walking dead pigs into skips with my wellingtoned feet). I also spent some time in the baking room, the jelly room and the chipolta sausage room. It was hideous. Bloody clean though, except for when I sneezed on a gala pie.

  15. piqued Says:

    I’m partial to a pork pie, especially the gala ‘n bogie variety

  16. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Mistakes are often made Swineshead. Luckily, unlike the organic rubbish Piqued risks his life to eat, that gala pie would have been spotted, rigorously inspected, and burned. I too did at a stint at Adams and can testify to its hygiene standards … standards you won’t find on a farmer’s market or in any of these disgusting butcher’s shops Piqued is so fond of.

  17. Swineshead Says:

    Listen – the point is this:

    Food is cooked and bacteria burns. This is scientific fact. If you were baked at 200 degrees until golden brown for 25 minutes, would you survive? I doubt it. Neither would the bacteria.

    So the only real question is one of price. So how much are your organic salmon steaks? Too much, I’ll wager, whilst Bernard Matthew’s Kievs are only three kievs per two pounds spent. And they’re massive!

  18. Badger Madge Says:

    is there a character who’s a bit like a scotch egg? i loves me scotch eggs i do… *slurp*

  19. piqued Says:

    NP’s head?

  20. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    “If you were baked at 200 degrees until golden brown for 25 minutes, would you survive?” Shouldn’t that be “If you were baked at 200 degrees until golden brown AND DELICIOUS for 25 minutes, would you survive?”

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    You can’t beat a good scotch egg Badger. I’d say the characters that fit the description best would be (for the boys) the delectable Rosetta and (for the ladies) fanny-magnet Harold Bishop. I’d be delighted to slice open Rosetta’s head and find a big boiled egg inside.

  22. Swineshead Says:

    Yes. Yes it should.

    I also love scotch eggs but they’re beside the point as I don’t think ‘Nard of the Barnyard makes them.

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    He makes pasties

  24. piqued Says:

    …and pandemic diseases

  25. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    When? Have I missed this pandemic?

  26. piqued Says:

    BM makes pandemic diseases by importing cheap quality livestock from Eastern Europe (the company is worth over 400 million so he needs every penny he can get) but luckily, due to eagle-eyed health officials who have to keep an eye on multi millionaire cunts like that, the pandemic was contained and isolated following the slaughter of tens of thousands of animals

    Surely you heard of it, it was on the fucking news?

  27. Swineshead Says:

    I think humankind would actually benefit from growing feathers. Bring on this so-called bird flu – I am ready to fly.

  28. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    We didn’t have a pandemic Piqued – that’s why you’re not dead. The pandemics have been across South East Asia and Africa where poultry farming takes place on small-holdings – y’know, that stuff you admire so much? There’s an argument to suggest that good old Bernard’s approach to farming (containment, constant health monitoring, strict hygiene standards etc.) has helped stem the tide of the infection in a way that the unchecked subsistence farming in the Far East has not. Why is this man such a cunt? Because he’s richer than you? Because he runs a supposedly evil corporation hell-bent on breaking the rules so he can contaminate us all? He’s an intensive farmer, and thanks to his company’s swift actions we, unlike those in Indonesia and Vietnam have NOT had an avian flu pandemic.

    Surely you heard? It was on the fucking news.

  29. piqued Says:

    Meet me at Beachy Head this weekend

  30. Swineshead Says:

    *straps a kiev to naked penis*

  31. Badger Madge Says:

    yes, harold is deffo a scotch egg! (sorry for going off topic).

  32. piqued Says:

    better that than actually eat one

  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Oh I wouldn’t say that Piqued, old boy! They’re delicious, and only £2 for three!

  34. piqued Says:

    Oh, that fucking changes everything

    If you go to your local charity shop you can buy 5 woolies for a quid, you’ll look like a fucking tramp, stink like the underside of an old mans foreskin and be regarded by normal, decent society as filth but fuck it, 5 woolies for a quid

  35. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    5 for a pound, you say? That’s a bargain that sounds pretty damned irresistible. Where do you buy your jumpers from Piqued? You must have loads at that price.

    And good to see you’ve finally come round to the established FACTthat £2 for 3 delicious Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs is a fantastic deal, any way you slice it.

  36. Clarys Says:

    Loving the fact that a write up of Neighbours has turned into a discussion on chicken kievs, scotch eggs and pork pies.

    I love Neighbours, it’s brilliant in its level of rubbishness, but it’s undoubtedly perfect escapism. Oh yes, the character you refer to about having baps like turkey (or something) is called Pepper, not Pippa. She is fine, I might add. Oh yes, and the fat goth is still in it, albeit a little less gothic at the minute.

    Now if you’re talking about a certain grade of fittie within rubbish programmes, you can’t beat Hollyoaks. Louise is an absolute stonker of a woman – she’s like 5 packets of chicken kievs for £2, never mind 1 packet.

  37. piqued Says:

    I buy my jumpers from a London retailer that specialise in ethically sourced fibres that pay the producers a fair wage, they cost a fucking bomb, but you’re right, I have fucking loads of them

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Clarys – Of course it’s Pepper! You’re right! Her tits made me misspell her name (they are great tits). These Hollyoaks women equate to 5 packets of Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs for £2, you say? Good God! That’s 15 Chicken Kievs! For £2! Piqued is a fucking spazz!

    Piqued – And isn’t that a surprise that your clothes shopping habits are as wishy-washy as your food choices? Everyone knows that clothes bought at Asda’s are better because the little Chinese children that make them can sew the buttons tighter to the fabric. You, sir, throw good money after bad.

  39. jasonspaced Says:

    I can’t believe how much publicity Bernard Matthews gets from this website, though admittedly not all of it is favourable. I think you should be sponsored by them.

    Watch with Mothers: In Association with Bernard Matthews 3 for £2 Chicken Kievs and the Avian Influenza Virus

    And not that I’m being pedantic, but is it not Pepper as opposed to Pippa? Her real name is Heidi. Either way, she’s lush. Does Bernard do any pepper-crumbed turkey burgers?

  40. jasonspaced Says:

    Ahh, Clarys, a fellow pedant – beat me to it.

  41. piqued Says:

    NP, don’t you talk to me as some sort of an afterthought, its fucking ill manners

    (By your reckoning its Chineses as well)

  42. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Jason – We’re hammering out a deal with Bernard’s people. See above for the Pepper debacle (the tits threw me off kilter).

    Piqued – I think you’ll find it’s ‘it’s fucking ill manners’, not ‘its fucking ill manners’. I’ll ignore the comment in brackets because it doesn’t make any sense (and it’s ‘it’s’, not ‘its’ … 3 for £2)

  43. Clarys Says:

    If WWM was sponsored by Bernard Matthews, would contributors get free chicken kievs do you think?

  44. Swineshead Says:

    No real need for free Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs (£2 for 3) when they only cost £2 for three of them (Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs)

  45. piqued Says:

    You ignore the comment in brackets at your peril, if you refuse to acknowledge it, I’ll show everyone the other thread and in doing so, show you up for the nit wit you are

    Yes, I’m threatening you, see?

  46. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    HOW MUCH? You’ve typed that wrong, surely?

  47. Clarys Says:

    I have a hankering for cheap, breader, garlicky, buttery chicken now.

    I don’t mean cheap, I mean good value for money. Pardon my french.

  48. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Piqued – The other thread shows you correcting my spelling of Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs to Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs’ (note the apostrophe at the end – Piqued’s crazy grammar) because you’re a blundering ignoramous. As it shows you up for the fool you are, go ahead. In fact …

  49. piqued Says:

    Yes, but I edit my own blog…

  50. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Rather given the game away there haven’t you?

  51. piqued Says:


    I’ve not edited it so far, or have I? No one knows but you and I

    That makes us special

    Kiss me you fool

  52. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    No, you’ve not edited yet. It still shows you up as the unctious bumpkin that we all know and pity. And no, I’m not kissing you. You eat organic chicken – wouldn’t want to take the risk.

  53. Mr Chipz Says:

    I really want to gorge myself on a chicken kiev now. I care not whether it’s 3 for £2 or one for £30, I want a chicken kiev. Alas, my oven is broken so for my evening repast I will be forced to eat bright pink (no matter how much they’re cooked) grilled sausages (intensively farmed thank fuck) and mash. I have to, money’s running short as I’ve pissed all of this month’s pay right up the wall. Oh, if only my oven were working, then I could have an oven baked kiev.

  54. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Well at least you can console yourself in the fact that both Swineshead and I are having Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs for tea (except me – I’m having mince), so somebody’s winning. Count yourself lucky for small mercies Mr Chipz – at least those sausages come from an animal that never saw natural light once in its short life. That’s the way Mother Nature intended it to be.

  55. Mr Chipz Says:

    Yes, thank the dear Lord for such fortune.

  56. imtheotherdave Says:

    When I was told that Holly Valance’s droney ‘hush hush’ was inspired by Turkey I could never have imagined later reading a blog involving Neighbour’s and Kievs. I honestly mean that.

  57. bree Says:

    kudos, all.

    bernard is not a sexy name but melty melty butter oozing from a cloven re-formed piece of recycled chook anuses is. so by association, go bernard go.

    pandemic schandemic. people are so easily riled.

  58. Gilbert Wham Says:

    Chicken Kievs should be deep-fried, you fool.

  59. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Gilbert – No they shouldn’t. If you deep fry ’em there’s a risk all that lovely garlic butter will escape and you’ll be left with a hollow shell -a disaster for the BMCK fan. Piqued stinks etc etc.

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