The X Factor


My how things change with time. If I had reviewed this programme even a few months ago I would have condemned it as a crime against television – as a soulless and heartless exploitation of people’s gullibility, as a shameless rewriting of the talent show format and populated by the arrogant and egotistical who are involved solely to further their already bottomless bank accounts.

However, age has mellowed me, and when you compare it to the bottom-scraping conceptual rip-offs that followed, it now seems like a bastion of moral programming…

With the start of this, the fourth series, I have realised that it is actually a work of a genius. This 180º switch came with a simple and seemingly innocuous statement made by my girlfriend as we watched yet another wide shot of thousands of people claiming to have the requistite factor.

“My God” she said. “I can’t believe that there are still this many people who think they have talent.” And then it came to me. The X-Factor is a public service helping to rid us of the torrent of talentless fucktards who believe that they are destined to be famous.

Cowell, Osbourne, that Irish one – they’ve all seen the light. They’ve realised that the show they innocently kickstarted has spawned a monster, a deadly and all-consuming notion that anybody and everybody should have their shot at fame. The hundreds and thousands of guiless, tone-deaf, monosyllabic cock-juggling thundercunts who turn up to each audition are the direct result of the success of these talent shows.

Far from giving those with genuine ability a chance to shine, they have become a celebration of mediocrity and have helped cultivate this concept of amateur celebrity that is threatening to engulf us all.

Thus, the new series of X Factor has become about atonement; about apologising for what came in the original’s wake and helping to stem the tide before it’s too late. Sure, the occasional person with talent slips through and I gather that there is some sort of competition after the auditions that helps nuture them – but that is no longer the point. Now it is about the mission of four people to rid the ignorant fools of their delusions and to save us from their witless dreams. And they’re doing it one person at a time.

For each arrogant gimp who claims to be the next Robbie, or Madonna, or Boyzone, or Shane Ward, there is a tailor-made put down to stop them in their tracks. Each snidey comment by Simon Cowell is not about crushing the hopes and dreams of ordinary people like you and me, it’s about stopping these morons before they become pub-singers, or cover bands, or novelty acts. If just one of these witheringly sarcastic statements or honest criticisms get through to their intended targets then we could well be saved from another Cheeky Girl…

The X Factor is like killing Hitler before he has a chance to come to power. It’s about bitch-slapping the shelf-stackers and keeping them in their place, it’s about grabbing hold of those twats who stagger home from the Nags Head singing ‘Wonderwall’ and saying “shut up, you fucking dick”.

We should be thankful to Cowell et al for this form of artistic vigilantism, for doing us all a favour and severing any chance of these karaoke-insulting prickfucks trying any harder.

Sure the format hasn’t changed – it’s the same emotion-wringing montages, the same mix of staged confrontations, the same sad stories of self belief – but now it’s about cutting off the surge of socially inept optimists and halting any further damage that they might inflict upon our already fragile culture.

The most heartbreaking moments are when the rejected vow to carry on regardless, as if being told that singing like a diseased warthog is akin to overcoming some form of horrific disability. They should heed the advice of the ‘experts’ and quietly roll over and never threaten to darken our doorsteps again.

This series has the added bonus of a fourth ‘irrelevant’ judge in the form of Danni Minogue, a woman who is surely only still in the public eye because she shares a surname with the worlds most famous antipodean. On the offchance she gains some credibility from this reappearance on our screens I’d like to print the following picture. Just look at those half-moon tits, like Morph and his grey friend have curled up and died on them, and remember that she is now considered an authority on talent.


X Factor, I salute your noble intentions.

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25 Responses to “The X Factor”

  1. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    It would be fun if that rat Cowell ate the Irish one.

  2. Swineshead Says:

    How old is Danni now? Must be about 57. She don’t look a day over 16, bless her heart.

  3. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    wtf u cntz don no wot u talkin bout da xfctr is da bst lol u fat cntz!!!!!!

    Hi Kateie! Hi Peeteert! LOL ur the best!!!!! 🙂 !!!



  4. Swineshead Says:

    Dermot O’Leary acts as a filter this series to ensure nobody mediocre gets through. If they don’t pass the ‘Half Decent or Deluded and Dangerously Insane’ test then they don’t go through to see the judges.

  5. Clarys Says:

    The X Factor is one of the most entertaining shows bar none, in the audition stages at least. Watching people without a scrap of talent believe they can win the entire competition – priceless.

    Although the best contestant thus far was some scary looking bird from Cardiff; swearing, shouting and bitching at all the judges. Lovely! I always feel delightfully sane after watching The X Factor.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    Ah – you mean Rachel. Is it so wrong that I found her moomin face and crack-ravaged body inexplicably attractive?

  7. Dave Medlo Says:

    I loved how that after she had gone Sharon felt a need to mention her ‘disgusting’ language… what the fuck? Has she forgotten who she’s married to? Or who her kids are? Or the fact that she’s the most foul-mouthed woman on television…?

    And yes. It’s wrong to find Rachel attractive, she looks like a shit goth version of Renee Zellweger.

  8. piqued Says:

    The early stages of x-factor are superb, you get to witness genuine delusion, the expression of shock on some of their faces when they’ve been rejected after tunlessly sounding like a wasp in a jar performing ‘eye of the tiger’ is staggering. Really, social services should be on hand

  9. wally bazoom Says:

    You’ve both missed the point and utterly nailed it, in that these shows’ main point of success is actually that they give the audience something to sneer and laugh at or, as you so big-heartedly put it, to ‘bitch slap the shelf stackers’.

  10. Dave Medlo Says:

    “I’m going in there a shelf-stacker, but I’m coming back a star…!” yelled one particulary obnoxious youthster last week.

    No you’re not, you’re going to come back a humiliated shelf stacker, now get back to work before you have anymore delusions of grandeur.

    You’re right Wally, the auditions are there to give the audience easy targets to sneer at, but they also rid us of another wave of talentless wannabes. Like I say, it’s a public service…

  11. wally bazoom Says:

    Yeah, you’re right, people with dreams ARE funny. Let’s all laugh at them to appease our own ingrained sense of failure.

    I recommend weeping and masturbation, Dave. It’s much more visceral.

  12. Dave Medlo Says:

    Hey! If you’re stupid enough to think that your flat, boring, painful voice is enough to make you the next Bono you deserve all the bad treatment you get…

  13. wally bazoom Says:

    That sounds incredibly bitter.

    Why should we laugh at deluded people? Is it because their sheer nerve reminds us of our own thwarted ambition, and we instintively avoid facing this apparent truth. Or does it somehow confirm and pacify our thinly veiled misanthropy? Or are we just a nation of thickos who get our kicks from the discomfort of other people – a nationally sanctioned bearpit, with a rarified ambience and a lager in the fridge?

    You decide.

    *fellates self*

  14. Swineshead Says:

    My thoughts:

    It is good to have a dream.
    It is bad to pursue a dream if you have been told you are good at it when you are not.
    It is bad to pursue a dream if you have been told you are bad at it when you are bad at it.

    My brain hurts.

  15. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:


  16. Swineshead Says:


  17. Dave Medlo Says:

    Those who make it through on X-Factor usually have some form of talent, and some of those are fucking incredible in the first place – I’m saying the people who turn up, announce themselves as better than Madonna and then proceed to murder a Westlife track deserve all they get coming to them… if you’re not self aware enough to be humble and understand what you’re saying then you deserve to be humiliated for it.

    Yes, it is bitter. I stand by it though.

  18. wally bazoom Says:

    That undermines your article. If the show were a functional ‘public service’ then there would be no need to show the process on the television. You are now saying you welcome and actively enjoy the humiliation of show offs, which is just misanthropy really. So why not just say that in the first place?

  19. Swineshead Says:

    There’s nothing quite like a good dose of misanthropy, if you ask me…

  20. wally bazoom Says:

    …here then, have the X-Factor. And that will be your generation’s legacy.

    ‘What sort of things did you do when you were young, granddad?’

    ‘I pointed at people on the television, and named them plebs.’

    ‘Was it fulfilling?’

    ‘I literally cannot remember.’

  21. Badger Madge Says:

    Misanthropy, misanthropy, they’ve all got it misanthropy…

    Sorry. Just had a wisdom tooth out. Owch. *Dizzy*

  22. piqued Says:

    Ooof, that hurts

    I had all of mine removed and the dentist kept them intact. I cleaned them up and drilled a hole through each one and threaded it on to a leather bootlace and it still dangles off my (now rather battered) leather bike jacket

    Look, the bottom line here is that I’m so rock that if you were to snap me in twain it would say ‘rock’ right the way through, yeah

    X-factor: It’s schadenfreude combined with pathos, simple as that

  23. Dave Medlo Says:

    The function of the show as a public service is not only to ridicule and bash the untalented into submission, but also to serve as a warning to those who may wish to try it themselves. The enjoyment of it by the viewer is really superfluous to the action…

    I also enjoy watching cats fall over on You’ve Been Framed.

    My wisdom teeth came through without me even noticing. I was one of the lucky ones.

  24. Badger Madge Says:

    My dad had one of his wisdom teeth made into a ring (with the tooth as the ‘gem’ on top as it were). He’s a bit excenstric.

    I’ve now had all four out so am no longer wise (hence no posts on BMTV for a bit).

    Erk. Should say something about X Factor and not use this comment as a chance to whinge about my painful jaw and weird gloopy gummy bit where the tooth was.

    I missed it this week. Er…

    I can see both povs. I like Dave’s thinking about XF being a force fdor public good, but then I’m not sure Louis, Simon et al have this at the forefront of their minds when the mega bucks roll in.

    And she might be plastic but Dannii is kinda hot. Hotter than Kylie anyway.

  25. Heeeeheeeheeee Says:

    I’ve just enjoyed reading everyone’s comments – it’s great that people debate the value (or not) of X Factor. Great to be British isn’t it?
    I agree with Wally on this one.
    Just to illustrate what shits (in general)people are: Our car nearly blew up in a petrol station a few days ago – it could have wiped a few people out. We were desperately trying to put out the flames whilst a couple of guys were laughing at our misfortune – clearly not understanding the severity i.e they could have died with us (what a nice thought hey).
    There are lots of people out there who are willing to laugh at you and put you down and it makes me feel ill that this sort of thing is now acceptable TV viewing. I hate the fact that there are now shows on TV dedicated to laughing at people. I don’t think that all people are self aware,but that isn’t a crime. Some of these people are really vulnerable and shouldn’t be exploited by TV companies.
    I’m a believer in giving people a chance and also in being realistic, but I’m not offended by people that have an inflated/unrealistic view of their own talents. They’ll either succeed or not, doesn’t matter to me. Just remember that X factor isn’t going to deter all ‘talentless’ people from jumping on the pub circuit – some try harder against adversity.

    Well this has gotten a bit serious – I don’t usually care about this stuff.
    On the otherhand, I also quite like watching cats fall over on you’ve been framed.
    Wisdom teeth are a bit crap too – think I’m going to have mine out. There really should be a tooth fairy.

    It’s late and I’ve had fun writing crap. Thanks for entertaining me through this bout of insommnia.

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