Big Brother 8: Live Final


BB House 

I’m going on holiday early on Friday morning, so fortunately I’ll not feel the shit-magnet force that is the Big Brother LIVE Final.

Yes – that’s right – LIVE. You get to catch every last tooth-grinding second AS IT HAPPENS. Gasp as Davina fluffs her lines and gurns at her own jokes. Nod in an amused fashion as Ziggy tells us how he’s actually a ‘preddy reasonable kinda guy’ and fall over as Brian pretends he’s thick.

If you’re foolish enough to waste your money on a vote for the winner, please bear the following in mind:

1.) Brian is a charlatan.

I presume Brian’s been to school for at least one English lesson per school year of his life. As a result, he must have heard of William Shakespeare. The entire syllabus of the English GCSE is distorted and warped so that Shakespeare is taken into account, term after endless term. Schools are always putting on productions of Shakespeare plays. A schoolboy can’t get through life without knowing who Shakespeare is. That means Brian’s a sneaky, lying sod.

2.) Imagine what the twins will spend £100k on.

It will be wasted in New Look on every single tiny item of tat that comes in pink. It’s a wasted vote to vote for the twins, so resist. Besides, what did they contribute besides falling over occasionally? They were basically just dumbells for that twat-lunk Liam to lift.

3.) Liam is an abominable twat.

Don’t give the money to Liam. He’s Sid the Sexist without the gut. He doesn’t deserve anything beyond complete ignorance.

4.) Ziggy is a self parody.

Cliff Richard mutated in a microwave face-off with Christian Bale and the lion-man off Beauty and the Beast, he looks like his face is made of play-doh. Lashing out every five days, he’ll spend the remaining time apologising and trying to prove how swell he is, which he isn’t. More annoyingly, if he sees something that he thinks the public will probably find amusing, he says ‘that’s very funny’ without any hint on his face that he is at least partially amused. Transparently trying to make out he’s in on every gag, popular with everyone and with a weak apology for any harsh words, he became dull very early on.

5.) Carole is irritating.

Imagine living with that monster. She may be a Commie in her politics, but she’s a Nazi in the kitchen. Only your actual Mum has any right to order you about the shop like that. She seemed to think that the minute she stepped foot in there she was halfway into a mortgage on the gaudy bungalow meaning she could tell everyone else what to do. Plus, her food looked shit.

This only leaves Jonty, the bizarre middle aged man with the Alain De Botton hairdo and the collection of national flag t-shirts. At first I thought his walking round with teddies would be tiresome, but he constantly farts which makes up for it. Let’s face it, farting is amusing.

Jonty should win on the strength of the fact that he always has a tommy squeak in the tank should there be a lull in the conversation. He also got his unimpressive member out for no reason, walking around bollock-naked whilst completely oblivious to the fact this might disturb other housemates. And whilst naked and in company, he farted. That alone deserves 100 big ones.

If you’re going to vote, I recommend you vote for the weird, pot-bellied, bespectacled, hairy, mentally-undeveloped, flatulent, naturist.

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28 Responses to “Big Brother 8: Live Final”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    Rather than a live final, can’t we just watch Liam getting his head smashed in?

  2. piqued Says:

    Just discovered the fucking misshapen twins are odds on favourite to win. All they do is produce blood-curdling screams. That’s it

  3. Swineshead Says:

    We need to start a jonty campaign.

  4. Badger Madge Says:

    Piqued: that’s because their (separate) fans were made as one when the twins were. Also a lot of Gerry fans are now backing the twins, so it’s more or less a cert that they’ll win.

    As for Jonty campaigns:

  5. Swineshead Says:


  6. piqued Says:

    Badger, misshapen screams, it’s all about MISSHAPEN SCREAMZ

  7. Badger Madge Says:

    i must admit to being very entertained by the way their heads have morphed this series. they started out looking very similar and now one of them has squashed so much they look nothing alike.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    Hands up who’s seen Jonty’s cock?

    *puts hand up*

  9. Badger Madge Says:

    *puts hand up*



  10. Tim Says:

    Voting for ZIGGY will hit big brother where it hurts…they have edited him the worse and they would hate to see him win. Voting for Jonty won’t get him nowhere a vote for Ziggy would make more sense. Ziggy DESERVES to win more than any of the others because he has played a major part in this years big brother. Vote Ziggy to WIN! Annoy €ndermol.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Yes, but Ziggy’s not a very nice man.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    I disagree. I think BB are setting Ziggy up to win by ‘testing’ him – letting him hear stuff over the wall, giving him a photo album to mourn over, showing him that ‘it’s not you it’s me’ bit. They know he can cope and will come over as the better man so are purposefully giving him a hard time because he’s their golden boy.

  13. Badger Madge Says:

    Oh, and apologies for the blatant rip off of someone else’s masturbation joke above. I couldn’t resist…

  14. piqued Says:

    Tim, why would voting for Ziggy hurt Endemol for crying out loud?

    I will agree he’s played a major part, the one of a fucking great cock

    Ziggy is a lipless self-obsessed coagulation of bollock gristle; he’s as much use as a clitoris on a rat turd.

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    “as much use as a clitoris on a rat turd.”

    that has to win the award for the best ‘as x as an x’.

  16. 10000waystocooktofu Says:

    Not so hard on the twins! They’ve been relied upon to provide comic relief, and have been a source of comfort for every housemate throughout the show.
    A vote for Ziggy is a wasted vote. No one likes him.

  17. piqued Says:

    Come on, my dear 10000waystocooktofu

    The twins are no more than pink malfunctioning automatons, they don’t fucking work properly hence the perpetual surround-sound screaming.

    In addition to putting the feminist movement slightly further back than the ducking stool, I bet they both smell ‘downstairs’ if you get my fent, I mean, drift

  18. Badger Madge Says:

    as your blog entry clearly shows, there’s no one that’s really engaging enough to vote for. they’re all utter morons. *sigh*

  19. piqued Says:

    As SH has poited out Jonty is okay and I don’t mind Carole either, despite some obvious flaws, she’s a bit over controlling and I’m no fan of her beard

  20. Badger Madge Says:

    Carole?? Carole??????!!!!! Piqued I thought better of you.

    She’s a harridan that one. A horrid, evil, manipulative, crow-look-a-like, needy, nasty, hairy, flabby, saggy, sweaty cracked, hypocritical, worst example of a Jewish mother I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch for night on three months.

    I can’t sand the woman.

  21. Badger Madge Says:

    Here. This is Carole…

    *shameless plug*

  22. piqued Says:

    I suppose it’s because she’s old (er, than the other housemeights) and, in my opinion, has shown herself to be tolerant –largely- as well as quite maternal. We don’t know how the status quo of the house would’ve been without her of course, I suspect very, very different, but we do know that nearly every departing housemeights, those who’ve seen an unedited BB in reality, has spoken very highly of her.

    Notice also it was the twins that nominated her initially; on the whole she’s had the housemeights on her side.

    There, I’ve said it, without swearing as well, that must be a fucking first large cocks

  23. Badger Madge Says:

    Ahhhh! You see? You see how clever editing and her manipulative abilities have twisted things to make you think you like her. Really you don’t, though, of course. Because you’re clever. Really, you know that on the live feed, she’s over bearing, uses emotional blackmail to get her way, doesn’t let anyone do anything unless she knows about it and has okayed it and is actually quite a creepy person – she NEEDS to control the men in the house and has isolated almost all the women (Nicky, Shabnam, Charley, Chanelle)

    Most ex housemates are so conditioned by her that on leaving, they don’t have any idea what she’s been doing. As soon as they find out what she’s been like, though, they turn. Plus, they’re the kind of people who don’t mind being manipulated and don’t mind someone doing everything for them.

    If Carole hadn’t been in BB this year it would have been more entertaining, I’m sure of it. The fact that she had to show Kara-Louise how to boil an egg, and interrupted Jonty doing the washing up to show him “how to do it properly” says it all.

  24. piqued Says:

    Look, I like her because I fancy her…

    What have I said

    *drinks bleach*

  25. Badger Madge Says:


    Hee hee!

    Just say you hate her (like the rest of us cool kidz) and I’ll shut up…

  26. piqued Says:

    *gurgles on floor of kitchen*

  27. Badger Madge Says:

    That’ll do…

  28. imtheotherdave Says:

    I hear that BB9 will be an E4 exclusive. My source? A big, fat, over-confident journalist on BBC’s own Breakfast. Fact, then.

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