Nigella Express



I was a Nigella virgin before last night, in that I’d never seen any programme featuring the yummy mummy ever before in my pristine life. Like the big fat naughty nanny that she is, last night she snapped my hymen rigorously as I settled down to the outright mess of  upper class twattery that was Nigella Express. And it hurt. Oh boy, did it hurt.

I’ve heard it said that Nigella is considered sexy by quite a few fellows, clearly those who like a bit of meat on a lady (and there’s nowt wrong with that, I hasten to add). She’s also been praised for her curves, for having the gumption to avoid slimming down for the cameras. Good for her, say I, but let’s not dwell on it as I don’t see people lining up to praise me for my love handles, so the fact she’s fairly normal-looking is irrelevant. Especially when one considers that, on last night’s evidence, she’s a mad-eyed, contemptible braggart whose television muck I shall never, ever watch again.

Christ all-bloody-mighty! I’ve never seen a housewife so smug! She waddles about the place like a balloon on clown shoes, showing off about the size of her larder. She parades her indescribably awful little offspring in his nu-rave outfit (who can’t skateboard for toffee, I ought to add). Worse than all this, she grins with a terrifying, gaping grimace whenever she looks at the camera, making grating asides about portion sizes to make us think ‘hey! She’s fat which makes her great – she’s just like us!’.

No, no, no! She’s not ‘just like us!’. She is, in fact, just like any richer-than-average, self-satisfied bastard who doesn’t have to do a proper job for a living. She’s the sort of person who says ”darling’ instead of someone’s first name, for Christ’s sake. She’s a boring, overhyped ne’erdowell who earns too much money, too little of which is taxed, and she should be exterminated.

NB: The food she cooked was shit.

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54 Responses to “Nigella Express”

  1. piqued Says:

    I would, she may be the size of an Aga but I fucking would by jingo

    Look at the way she eats for fucks sake, can you imagine what she’d be like in the sack? Jesus it doesn’t bear thinking about does it, fucking hell, just imagine it, imagine Nigella crawling on…

    *rushes off to launderette*

  2. Swineshead Says:

    There wouldn’t be room to move in the sack.

  3. fidothedog Says:

    Well said, mind you I’d shag her. Have to gag her mind you just to shut her the hell up first.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    How has this turned into a ‘would or wouldn’t’ debate. There’s more to Nigella than that, guys? Sheesh – get with the noughties, yeah?

  5. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I bloody well would, by God yes! I want to go on holiday with her and ravish her in an expensive hotel. Well … a hostel at least. Maybe a tent.

  6. Swineshead Says:

    There’s nothing wrong with liking the larger lady but, come on! Nigella would consider you nowt more than rotting hulk.

  7. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Nigella would see through my flaws. I would just pretend to really like that crap she cooks, secretly squirrel away most of it into a napkin, give her a good seeing-to, then run out and grab some proper food when she’s asleep. I think we all know what that proper food would be.

  8. Swineshead Says:

    I’m thinking Badger Madge is a coded Bernard M, by the way.

  9. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I had my suspicions but then saw her photos and can confirm she’s not an elderly Norfolk turkey farmer. And no, they were not those type of photographs.

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Yes – but have you seen her chicken kievs?

  11. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Sadly no. I would happily examine her chicken kievs in a hotel of her choosing, however. I’m prepared to pay at least £70 for the room and would happily fork out for breakfast.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    Oi, less of that, back to Nigella.

    She looks like the kind of gal who has a moustache. Might seem like an odd comment to make, but there you go. She’s a hairy Mary.

  13. Badger Madge Says:

    Napoleon, I was all yours until you mentioned kievs. I’m a Scotch Egg gal as everyone knows.

  14. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Damn! Why didn’t I offer to take a look at your Scotch Eggs? Any idiot knows they’re ideal as a snack or light meal! I’ve scuppered my chances again … arses!

    I’m not sure she has a moustache, by the way. I’ve had cause to examine images of Nigella at very close quarters and the only moustache she ever seems to have is a milky one. This, as any red-blooded male will tell you, is almost too much to bear.

    Because it looks like she’s got spunk on her face, you see?


  15. Badger Madge Says:

    They are indeed ideal as a snack or light meal…

    But then any gal with hair as dark as hers will most probably have a bit of a tash. At least she does on the pics I have of her.

    Because I’ve drawn them on, you see?


  16. wally bazoom Says:

    There was a mention of her unconvincingly big haired child’s friends at one point, and one of them was definitely called Horatio.

  17. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    The knives are always at their sharpest when it comes to ladies finding flaws in other ladies, eh lads? Eh lads? Women eh lads? Lads?

  18. Swineshead Says:

    Horatio? Horatio? Oh Christ.

    *has cardiac arrest*

  19. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I was always amazed the woman is the progeny of Nigel Lawson – a man who looked like a cross between an ogre from a fairy story and that fat guy off of Return of the Jedi with the dicky eye. A rose can still bloom in the harshest of pug-ugly soils.

  20. Swineshead Says:

    Nigel’s lost a lot of weight recently – I saw him on a documentary not so long ago. In fact, I’ll say it as I see it – he’s a latterday SPUNK.

  21. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Really (say this in a Leslie Phillips-style purr – ‘reeeeallllly?’ – and raise both eyebrows up and down)?

  22. Swineshead Says:

    He’s clearly been on the BM342 Diet.

  23. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Hmmmmmm. In the course of my investigations I’ve come across this …

    … and I take no responsibilty for any subsequent unemployment caused by inappropriate workplace jizz explosions this photograph is likely to create.

  24. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Great minds think alike I see.

  25. piqued Says:

    I see some of you are jumping on the vast, fleshy, ‘I would’ Nigella bandwagon…

    Just fuck off out of it okay, get your own fucking overweight celebrity chef milf

    Delia’s not exactly svelte is she? Go to her, the freckled football food, er, cunt

  26. Swineshead Says:

    Nigella = wouldn’t.
    Nigel = would. Big time. He’s fandabbydozy.

  27. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Nigella = would.
    Nigel = would as well.
    Nigel+Nigella = would gamely join in even though the experience would leave all three of us feeling sullied and broken.

  28. Badger Madge Says:

    I’ve just had a scotch egg for lunch.

  29. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Have you now you saucy minx? Hey hey! What what? Has anyone got any rubber gloves? Because I’m going in regardless of my many many viral diseases.

  30. piqued Says:

  31. Swineshead Says:

    Ramsay said: “I’d hate to think there might be people who aren’t giving cooking and new recipes a go because they are worried about the reading, writing or maths side of things.

    “Brushing up on their literacy could make them a better chef, as well as improving their life.”

    He then added: “Where are their balls? Hmmm? The fucking dickless wonders. Yes? Fucking hell. Yes?”.

  32. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I ‘eard Ramsey then swung a folded chair into the back of the reporter’s head before pulling his arms into that Incredible Hulk stance that makes your boob muscles pop out and go all veiny. He then went ‘GRRRRRRR! RAMSEY ANGRY! RAMSEY SMASH!’ and beat up a waiter and ate his stomach out.

  33. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I’ve not made a mistake there, by the way. I choose to spell Ramsey’s name incorrectly. So it’s not a mistake. Not a mistake.

    Alright, it was a mistake.

  34. Badger Madge Says:

    anyone else think that pic of her makes her look a bit like a stalker?

    and no it’s not coz i’m jealous ad a woman, actually. there are loads of gals i like. i’m just picky is all, not like you men.

    tsk, men eh?

  35. piqued Says:

    Ooh, I’m feeling a little ‘ramsey’

    *pushes penis into the rectum of a horned ruminant mammal and begins to gyrate hips until such point orgasm is achieved resulting in seamen flowing from the gland of the penis, the resulting cries of ecstasy alert nearby angry farmer who approaches exhausted bestialitist with a firm cudgel prior to becoming overcome with desire and removing spent protagonist and replacing his own member in the orifice of the creature which is by now a bleeding flaccid tangle of tissue all covered in jiltler and plops*

  36. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Well that was lovely.

    Badger – to my eyes that picture says ‘I’m Nigella … come to me … eat this fruit thing here … then you’ll get your pudding … your dirty MILF pudding.”

    And come on! You’re jealous of Nigella’s come-to-bed gravy making skills and the way she makes words like ‘beef’ and ‘chicken stock’ sound like ‘Nigella’s open for business’.

    Fuck, I love Nigella.

  37. piqued Says:

    I love her more NP, I said so first, she makes me feel all ‘ramsey’

  38. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    She makes you feel all ‘Ramsay’? So you want to shout at her and bully her and call her a ‘fucking prick, YES??’

    You rotter.

  39. Badger Madge Says:

    stop it piqued you’re turning me on. again. at work too… *rolls eyes*

  40. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    This site is a disgrace.

  41. Badger Madge Says:

    Those eyes are scary I tells ya. But if that’s what it takes to turn you men on, I shall try it tonight with Mr Badger and report back. Prediction:

    “Why are you looking at me like that?”
    “Like what? Beeeeeef, chiiiicken sttoooock.”
    “Like your eyes are about to pop out of your head. And why are you reeling off food items like you’re some kind of freakish sex phone line whore.”
    “I don’t know what you’re on about Mr Badger… Mmmmmm, lettuccccccce… Beshhhhhhemel saaaauuuuce”

  42. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Well that’s these bloody trousers ruined. Thanks.

  43. piqued Says:

    You really should invest in a bib

  44. Badger Madge Says:

    (Beshemel sauce looks like cum)

    *shocks self*

    *What’s with me today?! It’s bloody Nigella’s fault*

  45. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    I went to an Italian restaurant and ordered some fucking thing or other that I can’t pronounce with that stuff in it. I asked the waiter what it was, and he mumbled something vague I couldn’t quite hear. I realised what he’d said when my food arrived – “Why, it’s a white, disgusting gloop that tastes horrible and ruins your food.” Never ‘aving that again – I’ll stick with good old Bernard Matthews thanks very much.

  46. Swineshead Says:

    Napoleon – don’t fret – Bernard’s got it well and truly covered:

  47. Swineshead Says:

    (Apparently you can try it on a Monday, a Tuesday, a Wednesday, a Thursday, a Friday. It’s so good).

  48. imtheotherdave Says:

    If I wanted to throw tinned chick peas, lettuce and cooking sherry into a flaming pan I’d become a bleding student again. That is all.

  49. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Now THAT looks like proper food! None of the dog-dirt Piqued eats, just good, honest Norfolk fayre. Thanks for the link Swineshead – I’m TESCO bound.

  50. bree Says:

    nigella’s siblings are munt.

    just so you know.

  51. piqued Says:

    …to be egg-bound an hour later

  52. tflanaga Says:

    Such sad people, consumed by envy I expect. Perhaps the DIUS is correct about the population after all!

  53. Napoleon Cockaparte Says:

    Ah the old ‘if you don’t like something you must be jealous’ chestnut. If only I could be a housewife who confuses flans with fucking. If only I was married to one of the most dreadful characters to come out of the money lovin’ 80s. If only my father was the loathsome ex-Chancellor Nigel Lawson – figurehead of the Thatcher government and so therefore hated by association (and by deed, lest we forget). If only … if only … I was … a cook!

  54. Nigella Lawson Says:

    There’s no beating around the bush with you chaps, is there? I don’t mind a good beating around the bush every now and again, but really boys there is a thyme and a plaice. I should know, I often beat around my bush for the halibut.

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