The Restaurant


awful bastards 

I’ve seen a few of these; it’s fucking shit and getting worse.

The sort of Apprentice-lite format doesn’t work – Raymond Blanc is far too decent a chap to go down the Alan ‘you’re fire you are’ Sugar route. Besides, he sounds like Pepé the Pew doing an impression of Serge Gainsbourg.

The format of the show is simple: open nine restaurants and then get nine couples to run them from scratch. Each week, two of the shittest couples have a play-off task that sees one of their restaurants getting shut down.

The only interest comes from the jaw-dropping horror and stupidity of the contestants. One caused a restaurant Supervisor, working for Ray of course, to make herself physically sick after eating raw chicken breast. Staggeringly, this particular contestant is still in the show.

But by far and away the most dreadful coupling of humans I’ve seen in recent years on television were the thoroughly abhorrent Sam and Jacqui.

Sam is a ‘jazz drummer’ and Sam an ‘actress’. A pimp and a hooker, then. She’s a loud-mouthed oxygen thief and Sam a little toad of a creature with as much charm as The Marquis de Sade in the Bastille dildoing himself until he bleeds lumps.

In the first episode when they were trying to hire a chef. Sam was in the process of interviewing a fairly elderly chap who’d been working in kitchens most of his adult life. Unfortunately, the nearest he’d got to being a chef was chopping veg in a hospital kitchen, but instead of politely informing the elderly gentleman of his lack of suitability, Toad-boy, with the old guy a couple of feet away, called the recruitment agency and bollocked them at volume and length about sending him ‘useless people’. You could actually see the life draining from the poor old git. It was toe-curling stuff and from that moment I wanted see Sam dressed in life-threatening hives.

His recently-acquired wife took the role as front of house Manager, which meant she attempted to ingratiate herself with unsuspecting members of the public with an upside down smile that resembled a gorilla picking fleas off its winkle and a drawl that could melt glass at 100 yards.

In the meantime, instead of managing his fledgling and unenthusiastic staff, Sam threw strops and busied himself by staring at the prepared food as if a copraphiliac standing in a festival latrine looking up at defecating arses.

Needless to say they were booted off last week much to Sam’s arrogant objection and howls from his dreadful wife.

The remaining cast of nobodies are so fucking boring and lacking in any sort of creative intelligence or business acumen that I, for one, can’t even be arsed to finish th

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21 Responses to “The Restaurant”

  1. Swineshead Says:

    More importantly – what kind of food are they cooking?
    Broccoli and cheese sauce is it?
    Or good old fashioned chips and beans?

  2. piqued Says:

    It’s so naff I can barely remember, the food aspect is a catalyst for the competition; in the same way the business tasks serve The Apprentice

  3. Dave Medlo Says:

    Chicken kievs? They’ll have to go a long way to beat Bernard Matthews and his 3 for £2 deals…

  4. Badger Madge Says:

    I have npthing to say about The Restaurant, having never watched it.

    But Ooooooh, nice new look guys.

  5. Swineshead Says:

    Fuck. What’s going on there?

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    It’s… nice…

  7. Swineshead Says:

    I’ve sorted it now, I think.
    Bloody WordPress. A curse on them.

    Everyone’s away and I can’t be arsed to write an article today.

  8. Badger Madge Says:

    Neither can I. I didn’t watch much telly over the weekend. Mostly films really. Might muster some bile over 1408, Knocked Up and The Magician if I can be arsed…

  9. Swineshead Says:

    I wonder if my 12 readers will notice if I don’t write anything today?
    As people are away I might just write articles about things that will guarantee hits.

  10. Rob Says:

    Write something, for fuck’s sake. I really can’t be arsed to do any work today, and need something to blather on about. I think I’m going to get one of those USB tuner things, so I can watch Jeremy Kyle in the office.

  11. Swineshead Says:

    Blimey- a plea for content… I’ll see what I can do.

  12. Badger Madge Says:

    not sure if they have jeremy kyle, but…

  13. Badger Madge Says:

    if you’re a bit bored i’ve just written sommit slagging off that horrible toothless spawning woman on my blog…

  14. Swineshead Says:

    I’m beyond bored. I’m the chairman of the bored.

  15. Badger Madge Says:

    i’m a wooden spring bored.

  16. Rob Says:

    I have taken doing fuck-all to a new art form, lemme tellya. I do maybe an hour’s work a day & spend the rest of it watching pirated TV shows. This summer i have watched Rome, ALL of The Wire, Carnevale (shite) and all of Reno 911. As I’m on my own all day, I can get high (so long as I don’t freebase it – no smoking y’see) and drink like a tramp. you’d think it would be fun, but now I am bored as fuck…

  17. Badger Madge Says:

    Last issue I had no copy until the end of the second week of the issue and managed to watch all of the last series of Peep Show and most of Phone Jacker… Gotta be careful though – I sit right near the exit and entrance of our floor.

  18. Emelie Says:

    cravings for more, don´t be lazy.

  19. your sad Says:

    you sad wankers. why dont you try intergraing into society rarther then sitting at home all day on your computer masterbating over pictures of other peoples pets fucking

  20. Clarys Says:

    Hmm, well I’ve been watching The Restaurant and I don’t remember seeing “other people pets fucking”, but maybe I’ve not been looking hard enough.

    See, I’m quite enjoying The Restaurant, I find it easy viewing and enjoy occasionally seeing some food in there too. The best bit is betting on one of the wives – she’s cried in every episode so far – so me and the boyfriend bet when she’s going to crack. Great fun.

  21. piqued Says:

    ‘your sad’ (or was that meant or be ‘you’re sad’?)

    What does ‘intergraing’ into to society mean? Is it something to do with wood?

    Speaking of wood its not ‘masterbating’ its masturbating

    (oh rather instead of ‘rarther’)

    btw most of post at work, not home, so pick the bones out of this:

    Illiterate, thick, cunt

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