Coronation Street

by

David Platt 

When I was a useless, substance-dependent student living in the North of England, my day wasn’t complete without six cans of Spar Lager, a pouch of Drum tobacco, a hangover that made me question my very existence and, if conditions would allow, a few wheezes on the bum-sucked spliffs a pal had rolled. On top of this, if it was a weekday around five pm, I would become sucked into the world of Soap Opera after waking up in a filthy bed surrounding by pornography and dried blood. I was the type of lad you could take home to meet your mother.

My soap opera crawl would start on the other side of the globe. An antipodean hour of festering shit beginning at Yabby Creek, waddling along Summer Bay and ending up in Ramsay Street via the international business park that is Paul Robinson’s Lassiters. After confirming that I would be closer each day to Home and Away and being reminded that I might one day find the perfect blend, I’d pop over to Chester.

Hollyoaks passed in a whirl of horrific acting, idiotic trendy boys and dead-eyed blonde girls who looked like they’d been reanimated by a pervert. Emmerdale came next and I literally can’t remember a single thing about it, apart from Seth’s fantastic moustache.

After that, and Christ only knows why, I would subject myself to the mind-hammering that is Coronation Street. Or ‘The Street’, if you are over 60, work in the tabloids or are a complete twat.

It has been ten years since I was in that dark, dark place and last night, more by harsh luck than judgement, I sat through an entire episode of Coronation Street. It was a harsh reminder that television truly does rot the brain.

Very little in Corrie had changed. Roy Cropper was still going out with a transexual who was played by a born-woman, defeating the point of the fact that he’s going out with a transexual. Tyrone is still fat and stupid, but is now hairy and fat and stupid. Ashley still speaks like someone’s treading on his little toe. Kevin still looks even weirder without a moustache than with one.

Betty is still alive. That was a shock. And she’s still rooted to the same spot in the Rovers Return, banging on about her fucking hotpot. Poor cow. She’s surely earned herself a stay at an above average retirement home by now so the producers should do the decent thing and pack her off to one. And throw away the key.

The biggest shock came when I saw Gail’s boy – the one who was about six years old ten years ago and seemed like the most amazing child actor I’d ever seen. ‘He’s got a bright future, that one’ I thought to myself, all those years ago. Last night proved me bang wrong.

He’s turned into one of the worst actors I’ve seen in my life. In last night’s storyline he’d left his niece alone with a doll which had ecstasy pills hidden within its plastic torso (a la Danny in Withnail and I). The little kid (Bethany, I think) obviously ingested a few of these embalmers and we were subjected to the sight of this former child actor hollering and banging the furniture in frustration in the most unrealistic soap set-piece I’ve ever seen.

Aside from this moment of high tension, the thing that got me was just how slow Coronation Street is. I suppose it’s a fair reflection of life in a Northern town that very little seems to happen for long periods of time, but Christ, it ain’t half boring.

Give me the crazy streets of Walford any day. I switched over at 8pm and there was Sean flushing Deano’s head down a lavvy, Ian Beale narrowly avoiding being run over by his dead ex wife and, the icing on the cake, Billy getting in a bit of a huff. God bless the ‘enders. All hail the Beasts of the East.

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11 Responses to “Coronation Street”

  1. Badger Madge Says:

    Oooooooh, Sean flushed Deano’s head down the lav. He’s a nutcase innee? Don’t go messing with him…

  2. Swineshead Says:

    He’s a right rotter. And ginger to boot. Don’t mess with the best, cos the best don’t mess.

  3. jasonspaced Says:

    Corrie’s nae bad. David’s character trajectory has actually been fairly convincing. He’s the most nasty obnoxious little shit ever to grace our soapy screens. He really overdid it last night, but I have a feeling it won’t be long before his character leaves the show, so perhaps he treated this storyline as his open audition for other overblown dramas on ITV1.

    EastEnders has hit form again I agree wholeheartedly, but for a few years now Corrie has been far superior in all aspects. It does the comedy so much better than ‘stenders – Vera and Jack / Norris are brilliant characters – well written and exceptionally acted. Certainly better than all the stupid storylines involving Dot / and the fucking dreadful “Ibeefa ‘avvin’ it” Mitchell sisters. Corrie has just come out of a rich vein of belting storylines, and made me love Bradley Walsh, something which I never thought possible.

    You were unlucky last night to witness a bad episode. It really has been pretty good for the last ten years you missed.

  4. Swineshead Says:

    A dissenting voice! How dare you!

    Good holiday?

  5. bree Says:

    english soaps.

    pah.

    the sun never shines. haven’t you noticed in summer bay bad things only happen when the skies are grey and the clouds thunder? the sky is always bloody grey in emmerdale/coronation street/benders/britain in general.

    *crosses arms*

  6. Badger Madge Says:

    I’ve never seen a full ep but whenever I”ve dipped in or seen the odd scene, i’ts always been terribly acted and embarrassing to watch imo… But maybe it’s the southerner in me.

  7. jasonspaced Says:

    swinesh – holiday was great, thanks. and you?

    madge – i’m a southerner too, but i’m not racially prejudiced against our flat cap wearing, pigeon fancying, lard eating “friends” in the north.

  8. Adrian Says:

    I was at a party at my aunt and uncle’s (a birthday party for their dog, to which my aunt’s cat-obsessed mother had been invited) the other day. A morbid conversation about the imminent death of their cat was interrupted by Coronation Street. It was followed by The Nation’s Favourite View or something. Afterwards I wanted to die. Why does ITV exist?

  9. Jicka Says:

    jack is one of the best actors iv seen you sad low life he used 2 go to ma skool so shut ya mouth

  10. Swineshead Says:

    Jicka – I’m one man short for the carol singing troupe I’m arranging to go around the village on the 20th December – I’d be honoured if you’d accept my invitation to come along and sing with us. This will be my way of apologising for dissing your mother’s schoolmate’s acting prestige. I have always loved you, Jicka. Let us sing together.

  11. demi claire samphier Says:

    I think hes an nice boy in the real world but what hes playing now i think hes an liyig little to rag

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